A New Tension

A year ago tonight I had a spiritual direction session with Fr. D. in which he asked me to spend 30 minutes in silent, listening prayer per day.

We've been over how much of a one-step forward, ten-steps back process that has been.

Until recently.

The time in prayer has remained consistent these past couple of weeks, with what used to seem like an impossible task becoming a necessary part of my days. I seek out time to spend in chapel with the Blessed Sacrament and I find myself sitting quietly in the living room in the evenings before going to bed. I wish I could say it was because I finally decided Fr. D. was right or that I quit being lazy or anything else. The only explanation is that He has quite literally drawn me to Him and to my knees before Him. Infertility has been the cross that He has allowed in my life that has made me realize I cannot rely on my own power, that I am nothing without His Grace.

And now, more than ever, it is His grace and His peace that we will rely upon, as The Man's time in prayer and thought has led us to this conversation (after some preliminary lead-in):

Me: So, I have a phone message from Dr. D's office. Should I call back and schedule another appointment.
The Man: I see no reason to do that.
Me: Neither do I.

And so, as the cycle that ends year 3 of TTC is beginning, we are stopping medical treatment.

I'm an extrovert, so to help process this:
I've said it out loud to a friend.
I've texted it to another.
I've PM'd a few others.

And now it is written here.

The Road Becomes Real, again.

The best way I can describe how I feel is that there is much mourning and there is much peace. It is very much a real experience of et et, of both/and. I am keenly aware that I will survive this by grace alone.

I have so much to say and process, and I'm sure it will come. We will still be TTC, with months of TTA as needed mixed in to keep our intimacy on track, but there will be no more NaPro appointments. (I will keep taking my armour and I'm looking for a local endocrinologist and/or naturopath to manage my other adrenal symptoms.) A couple of years ago, I remember being desperate for someone to explain how they got to this point, and so I will do that too, in time.

For now though, I just need to rest in this new tension of mourning and peace.

I am always grateful for your prayers, and I am relying on them now more than ever.

Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us.


  1. Hugs, prayers and lots of love.

  2. Praying for you, Rebecca. (((Hugs)))

  3. Lots of hugs and prayers for this new chapter. As always, I admire the courage and clarity and honesty with which you discern and articulate this difficulty. Your intentions are never far from my mind or prayers, so be assured of my support as you sort through the tension and peace that comes with this decision. Thank you for continuing the share your journey.

  4. Oh Rebecca, you are in my prayers. I really pray that you also enjoy the freedom of knowing you are being led by God and the Man to this place, it is so freeing to mourn unreservedly. Take your time to mourn and experience the wonderful peace that comes with it. (((Hugs))) and prayers for you dear friend.

  5. for someone to explain how they got to this point

    I wish there was a magic answer, but it is really time that gets you to that point. And lots of prayer.

    As always, you are in my prayers dear friend!

  6. Many prayers for you. I wish I had the right words to say but like others, I admire your courage and strength of spirit. God will never abandon you and neither will we.

  7. Oh Rebecca, this makes me so sad for you and happy for you at the same time. Happy that you are at peace and that your prayer time has been so fruitful Many prayers for you, friend.

  8. I will be praying for you....may God's grace grant you much peace of mind and heart. Continue to sit quietly in His love and let it fill all your wounds with Divine Mercy.

  9. As others have said...you just know when it is time to stop medical treatment...for my dh and I it was the constant side effects...we both knew it was too much. I don't think there is an answer but just a time...when you just feel ready to let that go. Praying for you as you keep discerning this decision.

  10. I'm joining the others in assuring you of my prayers as you navigate this tension. I know trusting in God's plan and abandoning yourself to His grace is so difficult. So thank you soooo much for sharing this part of your journey, because it gives me hope that I will get there too someday. Peace sounds wonderful, even though it is mixed with mourning.

    "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

  11. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you mourn.

  12. we were there, too. But being quiet, still and listening to what He wants is the best way to let the grace flow. Prayers.

  13. Stopping treatment really is a paradox. There is peace is no more tests...but heartbreaking that there is nothing else to do. It is sort of like finishing a marathon and coming in last. Glad it is over but nothing to boast about.

    We ourselves are at the one year mark of stopping treatment... We are still grieving. I am not trying to sound angry at God, but because he could do a miracle the door to closure won't fully shut. There is always this chance he might work...so CD1 can be just as bad as before... Quitting treatment took a lot of stress off our shoulders but we feel like we have one foot in the future and one in our painful past just kinda stuck. We are not sad everyday.... We love life and living. We love God and believe he could still work miracles in our life... It is just us sharing the honest emotion stuff from the inside.

    We hope you know you are loved. We know this next phase of IF needs time to soak in and process. If you ever want to talk, skype or anything we are here for you. We hope and pray you keep pressing forward. You are a light to so many people.

  14. Praying hard and praying always for you and your husband! Peace to you both as you enter this new chapter.

  15. Always sending my love and prayers! May God continue to walk beside you and comfort you in this new discernment. It is such a tough decision. <3}