The Medical Plan Begins

AF was her usual nasty self and arrived on Thanksgiving. I was expecting her thanks to the lovely warning of BB she gives me for a week each cycle, but still, Thanksgiving just seemed a bit unnecessary.

This morning, I figured no one would be at Dr. D's office in order to get my order for the Follicular Maturation Series (FMS) and that would mean waiting until the next cycle in January which is a bit of a scheduling nightmare. This annoyance then turned into my awesome "flight" response kicking in and starting to think maybe this just isn't what we should be doing and we should just give up all together. Just about the time I had that thought, a new email popped up in my inbox, from one of the FCPs at Dr. D's office! So, I now have my first ultrasounds scheduled for Tuesday (CD 6, the appointments on Monday/CD 5 were right in the middle of the day and I really need to go to work on Monday, but Tuesday they had morning appointments and CD 6 was an OK day, so I went with it). That was followed up by the email for the orders for my blood work/hormone panel to begin on CD 10.

As peaceful as I thought I felt in those moments where I was thinking that this just isn't what we should be doing, as soon as that first email came back, I knew that peace wasn't of God, that it was a false peace. I am reminded of my session with Fr. D. when he was talking to me about discerning spirits and that when you are in a place of spiritual desolation it is not the time to alter plans, but to continue moving forward with those already in place. It seemed that as soon as I took this step forward on the "plan" in being able to schedule the appointment I felt a little better. I'm grateful for that and for the insight from our last session.

I'm very grateful to be moving forward, feeling very much like we are starting over, as in a lot of ways, we are. I am interested to see how things are different from my first hormone panel 2 years ago, and especially the insulin resistance numbers. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high that things look better, as the BB indicates that my progesterone is still low post-peak.

With this gratitude, though, comes the mixed emotions of wanting the answers that will potentially be provided, but also knowing that those answers could be bad news, specifically related to the FMS. I am as confident as I can be that if we didn't do this test I would look back in 10 years and regret it, so we are moving forward.

I also had a message on Wednesday from Dr. D's scheduler to schedule my next appointment. I didn't get the message until after she was gone for the day, so I will be calling on Monday to make that appointment. I had been wondering if they'd forgotten about me, as it seemed like it was getting late to schedule for January, so I was glad to get the phone call.

It is not lost on me that all of this will be happening during Advent. I'm trying not to have expectations that this year will be like last; I'm just trying to focus on that moment of surrender that allowed the grace to flow and to be open to where He is leading me this year. I know I will fail daily at this and I'll be offering up the moments of stress and anxiety that I'm sure will be a part of this whole process for all of you. I am once again, renewing my surrender, renewing my Fiat. If I've learned anything in this past year, it is that is the only way I'll make it through any of this.


Just What I Needed

Sometimes you meet someone and it's like you've known them all your life.

Well, that's what happened on Saturday, see?

The Man, Me, Donna!, and Himself
Why, yes, the awesome lady next to me is Donna!!!!!

And yes, you should be jealous :).

She's awesome, and so his Himself!

We met for a trolley ride through the Christmas lights at Oglebay and then dinner.

What started with a hug that was more like one shared between long-separated friends than two people meeting for the first time continued on for nearly 6 hours. Even the boys hit it off right away (good thing too, because they were in for a long night if they didn't - ha!)!

There are no words for how badly I needed this evening. More than I realized, than I think I could have realized.

Donna's blog is titled "What if God Says No" and she has said in the past she started writing to give those of us still "in the trenches" of infertility hope, regardless of the outcome. Her blog has done that, but seeing her in person, talking to her, witnessing it - as I write this, I'm at a loss for words but my heart is a little less broken, and for that, I am more grateful than I could ever say.


An Update of Sorts

I'm not sure where to start nor what I really have to say, if anything (well, we all know I usually have something to say).

I suppose letting you all know that I didn't do the FMS or blood-work this cycle. I don't have a good reason, I just didn't. I've barely even been charting, I'm P+ something, but I don't know what, maybe 5 or 6?

I met with Fr. D on Thursday and let's just say it led to him saying this: "It sounds like you are in a place of hopelessness. That is the worst place to be." And then just sitting with me as I cried and sobbed because I knew he was right. We did end up talking more and working through it some, and he gave me the Ignatian guide to discerning spirits, pointing out he thought I was in a place of desolation. I agreed.

The {adjusted} plan is to do the FMS and blood-work next cycle. The Man's job is to remind me and if I don't do it on CD 1, to call and schedule the u/s for CD 5 for me. (This is because I suspect I will just not do it again. No reason, I just won't. It's what I do when I get emotionally overwhelmed, I shut down and just don't do things.)

I also want you all to know I'm sorry I've been awful about commenting on your blogs lately. I am reading and praying for all of you, I promise. It honestly just feels like too much to comment. I realize that sounds awful, IS awful, and I'm so sorry. I am following and praying for you.

Today is my Nan's 85th birthday. We gathered for lunch and cake (she didn't want anything, saying "it's just another day." Um, no, it's not "just another day" when you turn 85!). As we sat down, I heard my Uncle (at the other end of the table) tell my Nan that they were praying for us every day to have a baby. My Nan then added her own two cents about why she thinks we aren't getting pregnant - my running. I just changed my drink order from wine to a {strong} bloody Mary and tried not to cry or yell or both. (And just in case anyone is wondering, my doctor knows I run and she's not told me to stop and it also does not impact my cycle - as evidenced by my charts - and keeps me sane, so yea, most likely not gonna happen.) We took photos after, one with me, my mom, and my Nan - 3 generations with a stab of sorrow because we used to take 4 generation photos with my Big Grandma and I so badly want another 4 generation photo...

Oh and there's been my Dad's birthday (of course I had a great plan of how I'd tell him if we'd been pregnant) and then Halloween (yea, we just left the porch light off) and Thanksgiving in 2 weeks, and then of course Christmas. So, yea.

And, the Mountaineers lost today. To Kansas. It was the first time in 27 games Kansas had won a Big 12 conference football game. Even the Mountaineers are failing me. (I realize to some of you this seems stupid, and I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but, well, just read this: Why I Need Football and maybe it will help me seem a little less crazy.)

I find myself at Mass these days literally begging God to be near, begging Him to let me feel His presence and His peace. I've managed to find (because again, when I'm emotionally overwhelmed, I just don't do things) at least a few minutes most days to sit in silence and pray. Usually when I do it is a steady stream of tears and nothing else. Not really sobs, though sometimes those are there too, but the kind of tears that just stream from my eyes and down my cheeks, almost as if they have a life all their own.

I realize that I've said a lot here, and really nothing. Nothing new. I'm going to hit publish only because there were times I didn't have my own words and read the words of someone else and I was reminded I am not alone. If only one person reads this and feels somehow less alone then something good will have come out of this place I'm finding myself in these days.