7.08.2014

What Rejoicing Looks Like

One month ago, I paid God a compliment and asked a big thing of Him. I laid it all out. I made the desires of my heart known clearly. Two weeks ago, I said I want to rejoice, no matter what. God is the same today as He was then. He will be the same in two more weeks, and two weeks after that, and two weeks after that.

For today, rejoicing looks like a negative pregnancy test taken yesterday morning, and only being able to respond with: "He is the same."

It looked like walking numbly through a day at work. A day in which I continually repeated to myself "He is the same. He is the same. He is the same." as if to will myself to believe it.

It looked like stopping for a manicure after work and trying to treat myself gently and giving thanks that the lady didn't ask if I had children. And then it looked like unhealthy, comfort food from my favorite take out place in town. All while reminding myself "He is trustworthy."

Then, today, chatting about Theology of the Body for 5 hours as I drove across Pennsylvania with a friend for a conference. Chatting about the beauty of our creation as male and female in the life-giving image of God. Yes, God is good. He is trustworthy.

And finally, tears. Ugly sobbing tears as I collapsed onto the bed in my hotel room. The moment finally came in which I could only see my own pain; my own sorrow; my own disappointment.

I still have much to learn. So. much.

He is the same. He is trustworthy. I will rejoice in that.

For today, rejoicing takes the form of tears and sorrow. Deep down to my core, sorrow.

The only comfort I feel is that somewhere, if only in my head, I know that God is still the same. That He shares my sorrow.

He is the same. He is trustworthy. I rejoice in that.

Keep Making Me
~The Sidewalk Prophets~

Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When You are with me
Make me empty

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than you, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know you'll keep making
Lord, please keep making me

17 comments:

  1. I've been praying for you these past few days and (seemingly unrelated) thinking about what it means to attribute things to God. Tears come as I read how you're finding the very best in life in God even as you feel the very worst.

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  2. I'm sorry, Rebecca. Negative tests hurt no matter what the circumstance. Thank you for your strength during so much pain. You have been a good example for me even though I know it is a real struggle to find the good when things look so bad and just down right hurt. My prayers are with you as you start these next 2 weeks.

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  3. Hugs! I'm so sorry IF is so painful. Ugh. It's the pits. The pits of the pits. Glad you were gentle on yourself and treated yourself to the mani and the takeout. It's also totally ok to bust out the ugly cry. Sometimes, that's all we have left. I hope rejoicing can look very different for you someday soon. Many prayers will continue to be said for you, friend! <3

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  4. Sending hugs! Really wish we could do something to help...

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  5. Prayers and (((hugs))).

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  6. I am praying hard for you! Thank you for your honesty and your beautiful faith in spite of such sorrow...you make me feel much less alone and much more understood in this awful place of IF. Lots of hugs, God Bless!

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  7. Yes, God is in these tough moments. Praying for you!

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  8. Prayers and (((hugs)))).

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  9. I love you, girl. Sending many prayers.

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  10. I'm so sorry =( I have been praying for you! Rejoicing in the midst of sorrow - that's really going to the heart of everything. So sorry, and praying that you're comforted.

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  11. So sorry! I hope that despite it all, you are able to enjoy the the conference. We need to get together again soon.

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  12. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. And yes, God is the same. He loves you so much more than anyone else ever could. When your joy becomes unending (as it will one day), everything on this earth will make perfect sense. And the rejoicing will be perfected!

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  13. So hard. I'm glad the tears came, even though the previous day and a half were tough to make it through. Hugs.

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  14. I wish I could share your faith. I'm finding myself more and more angry with God as time goes on. It just doesn't make sense to me, and I can't find meaning to it or explanation for why he continually chooses to bless others on their own timing. Anyway, prayers for you as you continue along your journey.

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  15. Beautiful post. I so feel you here. Many times, rejoicing does not involve actually feeling happy. Never forget how much God rejoices at our tiny, sorrowful efforts at faithfulness. I love that song. "Til you are my one desire...my breath, my everything" Yes.

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