7.17.2014

What Rejoicing Looks Like, Revisited

A little over a week ago, I wrote about What Rejoicing Looks Like, I had seen a negative pregnancy test and was fighting to rejoice in light of it.

Today, my new cycle finally started.

The week between has been just the roller coaster you might imagine. All together, I took four, yes four, pregnancy tests. That is more than I have taken in the previous 3 1/2 years combined. All negative. And yet. No new cycle until just moments after the 4th negative on Monday morning.

Or so I thought. Tuesday morning I awoke to nothing. The spotting of Monday was gone and there was nothing.

Monday I spent the day clinging to the prayers of so many, all of my dear friends in the FB group and a few others I reached out to, and Fr. D. Mass at Noon was a small reprieve from the work day and after I work I went to see Fr. D. for an emergency spiritual direction session. I was unraveling and could feel it. I sobbed in his office for at least 10 minutes before I could have an actual conversation.

A conversation that was intense and has led to a long list of new questions for him. But that's another story for another day.

So Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and all signs of AF were gone. I emailed my doctor's office to ask what they thought and based on my chart agreed that it was possible I might have misidentified peak day and that I wasn't as far post-peak as I thought. I was left with instructions that if no new cycle on Friday to test, and to call with results to get an order for blood work either way.

We are leaving for the beach tomorrow, so I emailed again and was able to get my order for my blood work today, so that I would have it just in case I needed it.

I will not need it. AF is definitely here. (And just in case anyone is wondering or wants to ask, yes the thought: was I pregnant? has entered my mind, and honestly I do think the FCP at my doctor's office is correct in her analysis - the questions she asked me were the exact questions I'd have asked someone if I was looking at a chart objectively. With 4 negatives and exactly what we expected to happen if I wasn't pregnant happening, I do not think this is an early miscarriage.)

I am weary. I am numb. I am finally off the roller coaster, but my head is still spinning, I still feel like I'm trying to get off and I can't. It will all sink in later, I'm sure.

But, as Father helped me see on Monday, rejoicing in the midst of pain doesn't mean I rejoice in what brought me pain, rather it means I rejoice in that which I have cause to rejoice even though I feel pain.

And so, tonight, though I am more numb than anything else. Numb and sad. I rejoice in the many people who quite literally carried me through this week in prayer; I rejoice in the texts and emails and FB messages; I rejoice for not having to see another BFN tomorrow morning and go through blood work; I rejoice for a week at the beach starting Saturday.

The sadness is overwhelming. The numbness almost more so.

But.

He is the same. He is trustworthy. And I continue to rejoice in that.

Keep Making Me
~The Sidewalk Prophets~

Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When You are with me
Make me empty

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than you, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know you'll keep making
Lord, please keep making me

18 comments:

  1. I have worn your shoes a few times before...AF just does something "wacky" one month and it played with my mind...I remember hating that AF arrived but relieved that I could move on and just hope for another good cycle. It is such a rollar coaster. IF is tough, It is a heavy cross. After all of the years that I have been dealing with IF, it has gotten easier on most days but there are times...I still raise my hands to God and ask "Why?". Praying for you as you heal and it is a blessing you have something fun coming up to help with that healing. Let it go for the week (if you can) and enjoy that beach.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (((Hugs))) I am so sorry this cycle was dragged out like it was. You are always in my prayers and I think of you often. I really liked what your priest said "rejoicing in the midst of pain doesn't mean I rejoice in what brought me pain, rather it means I rejoice in that which I have cause to rejoice even though I feel pain.". Amen. I am sorry though that you had to feel the pain (again).

    ReplyDelete
  3. I still don't have the words I want, so instead know that lots of prayers and (virtual) hugs are being sent your way!

    ((Rebecca))

    ReplyDelete
  4. Cycles like that can be so so hard and really mess with your emotions. You continue to be in my prayers. Enjoy your trip and the warm sand between your toes :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sweet friend!!! I was so wishing i would read that you had a BFP. Im so sorry, you must be so worn out. Take of yourself this week. Prayers still coming.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Prayers and hugs always!
    Have a good vacation!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Prayers coming your way.. Hope you can enjoy the time away at the beach.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Many prayers for you. Enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry about the rollercoaster. :( Prayers for a restful vacation.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Weird cycles are enough to drive anyone bonkers! I hope that as you rest and relax on vacation you are able to find peace and healing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so sorry! I really hoped and prayed it was time for you to rejoice. My heart breaks with you. Please enjoy the heck outta that vacay!! You deserve it! A break from reality sounds just about perfect right now. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm so sorry my dear. I wish I could ease your pain. My prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. So sorry. Thanks for sharing the lyrics and song. They really resonated with me. I feel like I am going through a similar pain right now as you. Thank God for good priests to continue to minister to us. We so badly need it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just know that I'm still praying for you and I hope that you have a wonderful, relaxing vacation!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I've had similar cycles and so I know just how awful they are. AF can be just extra, extra cruel sometimes. My heart hurts for you, and you are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Rebecca, you are in my thoughts and prayers often. I hope your vacation is just restful and rejuvenating!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Rebecca, my heart has been aching for you the past week or so, and you continue to be supportive for your fellow IF sister while experiencing. Thanks for being such a great person with a big heart. I'm very sorry you've been experiencing this. It's just not fair, and I really hate how it's not fair for you (or any of us). I will keep praying for patience and peace for you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Obviously, I was not keeping up on blogs while I was on vacation. Just read this today. Praying for you always.

    ReplyDelete

Comment moderation is turned on so you may not see your comment show up right away.