6.09.2014

Paying God a Compliment

You pay God a compliment by asking great things of Him.
~St. Teresa of Avila

I've written numerous times about how since my very first prayer for a baby, I have also prayed for grace to handle whatever comes. It was for two specific reasons that I prayed for grace:
  1. By looking at my charts I had very normal fertility, there was some brown bleeding, but it had not really become a major problem. I had a good peak day and temperature shift each month. On paper, it looked like pregnancy would come easily. In addition to that, I had been reading and commenting on the blogs of so many women who were infertile, and praying for them and learning of this struggle. I was so very afraid I would become the person that caused them pain and I looked up to them all so much (still do!) and was in awe of the deepness of their faith. I prayed for grace to still be gentle and not say insensitive things and to continue to look up to them.
  2. Because I had been reading these blogs, I knew that pregnancy was no guarantee. I prayed that should I become one of "the IF bloggers" that I would do so with grace and faith as so many others have.
I've prayed for grace so often that it has become my first prayer and I have only one time ever simply just prayed for a baby (the words were very eloquent: "Please Lord, let this work" during the "fertile" window of my ultrasound series cycle, more a prayer of desperation than trust).

A few times, I have wondered if this prayer for grace, while genuine, wasn't also a sign of a lack of trust. Like, "I know You aren't going to give me what I want, so can You at least give me grace to deal with it." While I have never used those exact words, more than once it has entered my mind that perhaps there is fear in just putting it out there. Fear that He will say no, and I will have no "back-up"; no example of an answered prayer, as I do with the grace. It is always there, sometimes I choose to ignore it, but it is always there. And tonight, I was thinking about a time, when I was barely Catholic but really feeling a tug to put faith back into my life, when I made it very clear to God what I wanted. There was no fear, no expectation, just a very clear statement of what I wanted. In fact, it is why the scripture at the top of my blog has been Ecclesiastes from the very beginning. The Man and I were in a season of life that had us living married life in towns 2 1/2 hours apart. My prayer was simple "God, just in case you weren't aware, I'm done with this season." and the next day the one and only offer on the house we were trying to sell was made.

Yet, in these years of infertility, I have never once just laid it out and asked Him for what I want. There has always been a yielding to His will; a secondary request for grace (that has become a primary request); a holding back. While the first two things are good, the third is not, and if the third is motivation for the first two, then they are also not good.

And so, entering into a new cycle after our two TTA cycles and knowing that we will TTC once again, 3 months after my second surgery with the clock on my tubes ticking, I am feeling like it is now or never. Like if I do not put it out there, I will look back in 10 years and wonder what if I had just made my desires known...

It is clear that for The Man and I to conceive, God must will it. He must will all new life, but we are much more aware of that and realize we are truly at His mercy than we ever were prior to infertility. I have said it many times, because I need constant reminding, but He is trustworthy. Whether he answers my prayer in the way I want or in the opposite, He is trustworthy. His plan is better than mine.

And so, I am taking St. Teresa of Avila's advice and asking great things of God. My prayer, my request of God, with no qualifiers and no apologies is this:
Lord, we've had a talk like this before. It was summer time about 6 years ago and The Man and I had been in a season of life that I was ready to see end. We have once again been in a season of life that I am ready to see end. The end to this season of life is making us parents. I trust in You and know You are able to make this happen. I want to be a mommy, I want The Man to be a daddy. I want to see 2 pink lines, and a peanut on a screen. I want to make decisions about childbirth and ask two dear friends to be godparents. I want to see water poured over my child's head as s/he is claimed for You; I want to see First Communion and Confirmation. I want to see first steps and first days of school; loose teeth and skinned knees; artwork on my refrigerator and muddy footprints on my floors. I want to hear "I love you mommy" and "you are the worst mother ever"; hungry cries and break-up cries; laughter and sorrow. I want to sign up for swim lessons and sports lessons and music lessons. I want to see preschool programs, middle school concerts, and high school graduations. I want to go on college visits and a pack a car much too full. I want to meet a fiance and watch a new family begin or see a life given entirely to You. The good, the great, the bad, and the awful - all that comes with being a mommy, I am ready for that. I'm ready for this season of my life to end, and for the next to start. Lord, I'm asking, please make The Man and I parents. Lord, I trust you. I trust that however you answer this prayer, Your grace will carry me through. I do not ask for it this time because I know it is there. You've promised it would always be there, and you are trustworthy.

22 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. And for posting such a vulnerable and BEAUTIFUL prayer. I want those things for you too and hope God will answer your prayers in as big and specific as the ways in which you have now asked.

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  2. Your prayer brought tears to my eyes. I have every faith that God will hear that prayer and will answer you. Ken and I are praying for you guys every day!

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  3. Such a beautiful, honest post. I hope that one day God will answer both our prayers to become mothers!

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  4. So beautiful, yet heart-wrenching at the same time. You are just an amazing person.

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  5. So beautiful! Thy Will be Done.

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  6. His plan is better....it's so hard to accept His plan and we usually we see His plan in hindsight. I do try to see it in the present. Good reflection and Lord willing, you will know His plan for you soon!

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  7. A lovely and heart-felt post. I will be praying hard, that all of these things are delivered to you by God, and that this season of life passes once and for all.

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  8. Beautiful prayer. You are in my prayers.

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  9. Sometimes it can be so hard to ask for what we want. I'm sure sure you've seen Kat's recent post; it struck me as similar in some ways to yours. I hope and pray that you are aware of God's answer, however He chooses to answer you.

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  10. What a beautiful prayer. Continuing to pray for you as you entrust your dreams to Him. Hugs!

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  11. This is a brave prayer, and a good one, one I know God hears. About six months ago I was reflecting on the "ask and you shall receive" verse and wondering if I had ever outright asked God for a conception, now I try to when I'm in adoration, but it is scary!!!

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  12. Amen! (This is so beautiful, so heartfelt, so pure.)

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  13. Well, if you weren't being forthright with your desires for child in your prayers to God, I'm sure He put two and two together based on what you've written on your blog these past few years. :) I am praying you will be a mother soon!

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  14. You are such a beautiful soul. And don't worry. As polkadot said, He has always known the desires of your heart - but I just know He is so pleased with your desire to show Him how much you want to please Him even more through motherhood!

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  15. Praying for you! I am in a similar place of leaving it all out on the table for God. ((Hugs))) and hope for you Rebecca!

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  17. You have no idea how deeply this post spoke to me. I cried tears of understanding and being understood as I read this. My own walk has involved so many prayers for grace. But in saying that, I can hardly call that out as as distinguishing thing that spoke to me most. Just everything about this. Yeesh. A soppy mess here. God, if you're listening - what she said. But her first.

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  18. Beautiful prayer! Please know of my prayers for you!

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