You pay God a compliment by asking great things of Him.
~St. Teresa of Avila
I've written numerous times about how since my very first prayer for a baby, I have also prayed for grace to handle whatever comes. It was for two specific reasons that I prayed for grace:
- By looking at my charts I had very normal fertility, there was some brown bleeding, but it had not really become a major problem. I had a good peak day and temperature shift each month. On paper, it looked like pregnancy would come easily. In addition to that, I had been reading and commenting on the blogs of so many women who were infertile, and praying for them and learning of this struggle. I was so very afraid I would become the person that caused them pain and I looked up to them all so much (still do!) and was in awe of the deepness of their faith. I prayed for grace to still be gentle and not say insensitive things and to continue to look up to them.
- Because I had been reading these blogs, I knew that pregnancy was no guarantee. I prayed that should I become one of "the IF bloggers" that I would do so with grace and faith as so many others have.
A few times, I have wondered if this prayer for grace, while genuine, wasn't also a sign of a lack of trust. Like, "I know You aren't going to give me what I want, so can You at least give me grace to deal with it." While I have never used those exact words, more than once it has entered my mind that perhaps there is fear in just putting it out there. Fear that He will say no, and I will have no "back-up"; no example of an answered prayer, as I do with the grace. It is always there, sometimes I choose to ignore it, but it is always there. And tonight, I was thinking about a time, when I was barely Catholic but really feeling a tug to put faith back into my life, when I made it very clear to God what I wanted. There was no fear, no expectation, just a very clear statement of what I wanted. In fact, it is why the scripture at the top of my blog has been Ecclesiastes from the very beginning. The Man and I were in a season of life that had us living married life in towns 2 1/2 hours apart. My prayer was simple "God, just in case you weren't aware, I'm done with this season." and the next day the one and only offer on the house we were trying to sell was made.
Yet, in these years of infertility, I have never once just laid it out and asked Him for what I want. There has always been a yielding to His will; a secondary request for grace (that has become a primary request); a holding back. While the first two things are good, the third is not, and if the third is motivation for the first two, then they are also not good.
And so, entering into a new cycle after our two TTA cycles and knowing that we will TTC once again, 3 months after my second surgery with the clock on my tubes ticking, I am feeling like it is now or never. Like if I do not put it out there, I will look back in 10 years and wonder what if I had just made my desires known...
It is clear that for The Man and I to conceive, God must will it. He must will all new life, but we are much more aware of that and realize we are truly at His mercy than we ever were prior to infertility. I have said it many times, because I need constant reminding, but He is trustworthy. Whether he answers my prayer in the way I want or in the opposite, He is trustworthy. His plan is better than mine.
And so, I am taking St. Teresa of Avila's advice and asking great things of God. My prayer, my request of God, with no qualifiers and no apologies is this:
Lord, we've had a talk like this before. It was summer time about 6 years ago and The Man and I had been in a season of life that I was ready to see end. We have once again been in a season of life that I am ready to see end. The end to this season of life is making us parents. I trust in You and know You are able to make this happen. I want to be a mommy, I want The Man to be a daddy. I want to see 2 pink lines, and a peanut on a screen. I want to make decisions about childbirth and ask two dear friends to be godparents. I want to see water poured over my child's head as s/he is claimed for You; I want to see First Communion and Confirmation. I want to see first steps and first days of school; loose teeth and skinned knees; artwork on my refrigerator and muddy footprints on my floors. I want to hear "I love you mommy" and "you are the worst mother ever"; hungry cries and break-up cries; laughter and sorrow. I want to sign up for swim lessons and sports lessons and music lessons. I want to see preschool programs, middle school concerts, and high school graduations. I want to go on college visits and a pack a car much too full. I want to meet a fiance and watch a new family begin or see a life given entirely to You. The good, the great, the bad, and the awful - all that comes with being a mommy, I am ready for that. I'm ready for this season of my life to end, and for the next to start. Lord, I'm asking, please make The Man and I parents. Lord, I trust you. I trust that however you answer this prayer, Your grace will carry me through. I do not ask for it this time because I know it is there. You've promised it would always be there, and you are trustworthy.