6.25.2014

I Want to Rejoice

So it begins.

And by "it" I mean the 2ww.

The "I"s are on the chart - on potentially "fertile" and infertile days both.

My tubes are open. (Please Lord, let my tubes still be open just 4 cycles after surgery.)

Last week marked a huge breakthrough with Mary. I've tried to write about it twice, but it's just too personal. The second attempt was an intentional attempt at something I could publish, and I just can't. Putting words to it just seems to make it seem somehow less than what it was. Or, perhaps I should say putting words to it without eye contact and expression. Someday, maybe, I will tell the story, but for now, the important detail is the breakthrough.

The anxiety surrounding those "I"s was much less.

I'm taking post-peak estrogen.

And we wait.

And I have already been all. over. the. place.

I've counted out the days so I know when we'll know.

I've figured out how I'll tell The Man. When I'll ask Fr. D. for a blessing. When and how we'll tell our parents.

I've calculated the due date and thought about wording for the couple of emails regarding schedule changes that would need to be sent.

And I have wondered if I am completely-out-of-my-mind crazy.

Because really, what on earth makes me think for one single second that this cycle will be different?

And so hope is tempered with reality.

And I try not to think about those plans too much.

I remind myself that He is trustworthy. He is good. His plan is perfect. No matter what.

I want to rejoice in 2 weeks no matter what happens. Rejoice for a marriage that is healing and growing and getting stronger and stronger. Rejoice for a fruitful marriage. Rejoice because God is good. And maybe, just maybe rejoice because of a new life.

I want to hope without reservation.

I want to rejoice no matter what.

In reality, my hopes are covered in fear.

In reality, I question my ability to rejoice amid disappointment.

Only two things are certain: these two weeks will pass, just like all of the other two weeks before them and God will be the same in two weeks that He is today.

26 comments:

  1. Praying for you these two weeks!

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  2. Could you please repost this every 2ww? I will be inspired each and every time! To rejoice no matter what: that's sainthood.

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    1. I just might - if only to remind myself :).

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  3. Yup. I totally get this. Every. single. cycle.

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    1. I wish I could remember it in the midst of the sadness. Now I've put it out here publicly, maybe I will, or at least I can remind myself.

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  4. Thank goodness God will still be the same in two weeks and you have a lot to rejoice about.....but soooooooooooo hope you can rejoice for a new life growing within. My devotion to Mary was a long road, but when it came it was WONDERFUL! Happy for you.

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  5. That last sentence is one that applies to all of us, regardless of our crosses. I know it's incredibly helpful to me that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

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  6. Many prayers for these two weeks.

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  7. Praying for you! This post was much needed as I just started my 2WW. I need to have a selective HSG done again soon to see if my tubes are still open. I hate not knowing. Did your doctor tell you how long they should stay open for after surgery? Just curious bc mine never said. I hope this 2 WW flies by and ends in wonderful news for you and your husband!

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    1. Thank you for the prayers. I've been told they will assume my tubes are open for 12 - 18 months. I had my first surgery with selective HSG in Jan. 2012 - and both my tubes had to be opened, which was the main reason for agreeing to my second surgery in Feb. 2014, where she did indeed find them to be once again blocked. I've often wondered how long they were blocked again, especially since the most telling part of my surgery was the blockages and chronic inflammation. It is probably the most common specific prayer for healing I say, that my tubes remain open.

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  8. I just looked up "hope" in the dictionary. Our current meaning of the word is "a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen." The archaic meaning is "to place trust; rely in." I think the key about real hope is in that second meaning, and that is exactly what you've got here. You are trusting in the one that has been there through all of this and that will continue to be there whatever tomorrow brings. Hoping and praying with you now, and will certainly be crying with you at the end of this, just hoping that they are crazy messy tears of joy!

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  9. So glad to hear that your marriage is healing! I know how hard it was for you to take those couple of cycles off, but it sounds like it was well worthwhile.

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    1. It was hard and our marriage is healing, but I think it's time I genuinely consider what Fr. D said in our last session that I didn't want to hear. It's clear that 2 months did not "fix" everything. I'm sure a whole post about this will be coming, I just didn't want to give the impression all was fully better.

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  10. I really like that last statement in your post...God will be the same in two weeks and He is today..it's true. Good words to remember. Thankfully He is always present. We need Him!

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  11. Praying for you during this time my dear friend!

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  12. I want you to rejoice too! Praying for you!

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  13. Praying that your waiting is heavy on the hope and light on the fear.

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  14. Thank you for everything you are, as you inspire so many people. You have no idea of the reach of your words!

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  15. I'm just so, so sorry, Rebecca. :-(

    I wish I could give you a big hug. Instead sending lots of prayers!

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