So it begins.
And by "it" I mean the 2ww.
The "I"s are on the chart - on potentially "fertile" and infertile days both.
My tubes are open. (Please Lord, let my tubes still be open just 4 cycles after surgery.)
Last week marked a huge breakthrough with Mary. I've tried to write about it twice, but it's just too personal. The second attempt was an intentional attempt at something I could publish, and I just can't. Putting words to it just seems to make it seem somehow less than what it was. Or, perhaps I should say putting words to it without eye contact and expression. Someday, maybe, I will tell the story, but for now, the important detail is the breakthrough.
The anxiety surrounding those "I"s was much less.
I'm taking post-peak estrogen.
And we wait.
And I have already been all. over. the. place.
I've counted out the days so I know when we'll know.
I've figured out how I'll tell The Man. When I'll ask Fr. D. for a blessing. When and how we'll tell our parents.
I've calculated the due date and thought about wording for the couple of emails regarding schedule changes that would need to be sent.
And I have wondered if I am completely-out-of-my-mind crazy.
Because really, what on earth makes me think for one single second that this cycle will be different?
And so hope is tempered with reality.
And I try not to think about those plans too much.
I remind myself that He is trustworthy. He is good. His plan is perfect. No matter what.
I want to rejoice in 2 weeks no matter what happens. Rejoice for a marriage that is healing and growing and getting stronger and stronger. Rejoice for a fruitful marriage. Rejoice because God is good. And maybe, just maybe rejoice because of a new life.
I want to hope without reservation.
I want to rejoice no matter what.
In reality, my hopes are covered in fear.
In reality, I question my ability to rejoice amid disappointment.
Only two things are certain: these two weeks will pass, just like all of the other two weeks before them and God will be the same in two weeks that He is today.