4.22.2014

Infertility Awareness Week 2014 - #3


I originally wrote this in the fall. I never published it and I can't really remember why I didn't.  I came back to it recently and was struck by the words. I honestly don't remember writing them, and yet they are so true. They seem to "fit" for this week, a week dedicated to bringing awareness to infertility. 3 1/2 years ago, this week was right around 6 cycles of TTC with fertility-focused-intercourse, which means the diagnosis of infertility. And if I could pick anyone to bring awareness to, it is the me from 3 1/2 years ago, and anyone else who is starting down this road and wondering how she will survive it.

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3 years of infertility. (Again, written in Oct. 2013, at the 3 year mark of TTC.)

There really are no words to express the pain in that short sentence.

Those first months of trying and hoping so innocently, they seem like another lifetime. Like something I watched in a movie of someone else's life.

There are unpublished blog posts from those early days. Unpublished hopes and fears and prayers.

I reread those posts recently. Trying to find that woman again. Trying to just for a moment forget - to go back to that place of innocence. I've wondered what I would say to her. What would I tell that woman so full of hope and fear and prayer?

I would say this:

You are about to face the deepest heartache of your life. You will hurt more than you thought it was possible to hurt. You will shed more tears than you have shed in your entire life to this point. Even these words cannot fully explain what you are about to feel.

But, and more importantly, you are about to learn just who God is. You will learn He is trustworthy. You will learn how to lean entirely on His Grace. You will realize that this life is not the end in a way you cannot fathom now. Even these words cannot fully explain what you will learn.

You are about to find out what true friendship is. How beautiful and how hard it is. You will learn that sometimes there is truly nothing that can be said, only a hug and a promise of prayer is all that will do. And even that is somehow enough and not enough all at the same time.


And I read those words, and they are just not enough. There truly are not words for these years. And yet, they are comforting. They give me a glimpse into a prayer answered in the affirmative.

I've prayed for 2 things for the past 3 years: for a baby and for the Grace to handle whatever comes, when it comes.

The baby has not come. The Grace has. I have not always allowed myself to receive it, nor to be open to it, but it has been there, faithfully.

There is no way I could ever explain the pain. For how can I? How can I explain pain over something that does not exist? How can I explain sorrow that seeps from my soul into my body? How can I explain pain that I feel in my bones? In my skin? In my hair? Over someone that does not exist?

There is also no way I can ever explain the grace. For how can I? How can I explain something that I physically lean on but cannot see? How can I explain that which pulls me out of bed in the morning? How can I explain where the smiles and joy come from in the face of pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement while my heart breaks into pieces?

I try to explain here in this space. I try to explain it for myself and for anyone else who is feeling the same. And I know I fail. How could I succeed? It is unexplainable.

And at 3 years. Oh, how that number hurts to write. How heavy it seems. How much it signifies.

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I read these words today, 6 months after they were written. So much has happened, so much has changed, and so much has stayed the same, not only in these 6 months, but in the last 3 1/2 years. I suppose this would be the same if we had conceived, with much happening, much changing and much staying the same - only different things.

For today, I put them here. To mark the road that has been traveled. To remind myself I have and will survive. To encourage anyone else who is wondering, that you too will survive.

Infertility Awareness Week 2014 - Today!

5 comments:

  1. You say you don't know how to explain--but you do so so beautifully. I've often looked at my wedding pictures and thought "how happy and innocent I was!" What would I say to her? I love what you wrote to yourself.

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  2. This is beautiful and your words about how so much would have changed had you conceived -- just different things -- is so so true. I think about that a lot. No matter what, lots of things happen to us every day, friends, family, hugs, encounters with strangers, so much. And it's so different for everyone. It's different what we all experience. And the pain and struggles and the happiness and the joys are all different for each of us.

    Continued prayers for you this week, Rebecca.

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  3. Your words to your former self gave me CHILLS.

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  4. Your words echo so many of my feelings. Such a beautiful post!

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