I'm just about 12 hours away from my second surgery. Not just my second surgery for infertility, but my second surgery ever.
When I think about the path that has led here, I come to one word: obedience. That day in December when the screen of the ultrasound machine clearly showed that I ovulate normally, I knew this is were we were headed. And I dug my heals in, maybe not practically, but spiritually and emotionally, I dug my heals in. I've struggled in ways these past two months that were different than the past years before them. And as I sat down in Fr. D's office on Tuesday, for spiritual direction, confession, and anointing, I knew what the main problem was: anger.
For the first time in 3 years, I've felt anger. Honestly, for the first time in my life I felt real anger. Sure, I get angry at situations or moments, but I get it out and it goes away. I thought I was stunned when I saw that ultrasound screen, but I realize now I was angry. And I stayed angry.
You see, The Man and I had decided. If I didn't ovulate normally, we were done with medical treatment. We didn't know what would come next, but we knew we were done. As much as one can come to peace with that plan before it is put into action, that is where I was at. And as soon as I saw that screen, I knew surgery was next. I hadn't spoken to a doctor or even had a doctor confirm what the ultrasonographer had seen. It came from that place that only can come from God.
And so when Dr. D. made the recommendation, I didn't blink.
When The Man agreed quickly and easily, I didn't blink.
When I scheduled the date, I didn't blink.
And then I saw Fr. D in mid-February, and it was so scattered and so not like our usual sessions,all because of me. I didn't want to hear what he was trying to say to me. It was so bad when I said at the end, I'm so sorry, I don't know what my issue is today, he smiled and said "I think you just needed to get it out." And then, a few days later there was my "Keeping it Real" post. I felt a little better, but not much and not for long.
Then, on Sunday, we went to my Nan's to celebrate my Mom's birthday. It was a near disaster, prevented only because somehow I've learned to just bite my tongue. I won't go into details because they don't matter, but what I realized was how angry I was. At everything and everyone around me. And, quite honestly it scared me because I'm not an angry person. I see the bright side of things, I seek the good in things and people and I don't want to be the person I've been since mid-December.
As I did my examination of conscience to prepare for confession, anger was the theme.
So, as I sat down in Fr. D's office on Tuesday, I was shaking. I had no idea where our session was going to go, but I knew I needed to listen to what he had to say and that I had to figure out this anger. And about 30 minutes in, I finally said it "I am so angry that I have to have surgery again. I just want to go home, have a nice dinner, drink a bottle of wine, make love with The Man, and make a baby. Like a normal person. I do not want to have to do this. I don't want to have to have surgery. I don't want to spend all this money. I don't want to take these days off work. I don't want to have to do this."And relief finally started to come.
I've realized that this surgery is nothing more and nothing less than an act of obedience. He has led me here and whatever comes next, I can say I've done His will to this point. I've not done it well, or gracefully, or even completely willingly, but I have done it and I have to believe that that matters.
Fr. D. and I ended our session, in preparation for my surgery, with the two sacraments of healing: Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick. The details seem too personal, even for me, to share here. I will say I am left with complete awe in the wisdom of our Church to follow the teachings of Christ in the sacraments. There is peace that can only come from God in my heart this evening. A peace that just 3 days ago I wondered if I would ever feel again. It is not a peace absent of anger or hurt or sorrow, but one that is somehow present at the same time.
Thank-you all so much for the prayers you've prayed for us. We are grateful for them and we depend upon them.
Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us.