1.27.2014

Lord, I Need You

Earlier last week, we had made our decision and I will be having surgery again on February 27, one month from today. Dr. D. will be checking my tubes and, if blocked, hopefully, unblocking them again; taking intrauterine cultures; and checking for a recurrence of endometriosis. I also decided, after a few long emails with Sew, some reading, and a good conversation with my FCP to ask to have my Synthroid prescription changed to Armour.

So now, we wait. Certainly we will make good use of this cycle, in hopes that surgery can be cancelled, but with the realization that it is unlikely.

I'm struggling to move forward with this emotionally. The news that my endometrium is not thickening the way it should and that my estradiol is sub-optimal post-peak has me very unsettled. Are we conceiving but with implantation failure? Do we have babies in heaven? I'm almost hoping for the news of re-blocked tubes. But then, if they are re-blocked, our clock is truly ticking as we have agreed that unless I have pain or other symptoms (other than IF) we would most likely not pursue a third surgery (we know better than to say never) which means that we will have an 18-month window to work with. And if there is infection? I don't even know that I can really complete that thought.

I realize how full of unproductive, circular thoughts that paragraph is, but it is where I am right now. My heart and mind are swirling through them faster than I can keep up.

And then there is this:

The other day while running errands, The Man and I were talking and he shared that his co-worker whose wife just had their first baby had this to say about fatherhood: "I had never really fallen in love until I became a dad."

As I glanced a sideways look at The Man, I saw the tears in his eyes.

I saw the sadness.

I saw all of my own emotions reflected back from his eyes.

I saw the questions of why? and how much longer? and never?

I saw the hurt.

The fear.

The hint of anger.

And the tears.

The tears that he so quickly blinked away, trying to be strong for me, as always.

Then there was silence and a change of topic.

Sometimes it is just too much.

But to give in to the "too much" is just not an option. To not let The Man experience what it means to fall in love with his child. To never fall in love with The Man as The Daddy.

I've said to God, from the very beginning, I would accept this road wherever it led, if He would just grant me the grace to walk it. As we prepare to walk around this next bend, unsure of where it leads or what lies ahead, I find myself more scared than ever that it leads to childless life.

I want to be able to accept that. To be able to embrace it and see the good in it. The good that I know is there.

But right now, I'm so scared of it. I don't want to take that turn. I want to sit right here in this place of ignorance and not know.

Because if I sit here, I can cling to my dreams; to my hopes; to my plans.


Lord, whatever lies ahead, I need You.

Lord, I Need You
by Matt Maher

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord I need You, oh, I need You
Ever hour I need You
My own defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My own defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

26 comments:

  1. my friend Rachel introduce me to your blog. It is somewhat soothing to know I'm not alone. I have many parallels to what I have read about your journey. I have been doing Creighton for 2 years and the for 3 and also done endo surgery, culutres, rounds of antibiotics, antifungal meds, hcg and every mucus enhancer out there without sucess. As all my friends are becoming pregnant with their second babies....the emptiness hits hard. Everyday you have to choose hope....until God completely closes this door...I am trying to choose hope. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts. I especially related to what u wrote about your husband. Every time I see mine interacting with a child....I want his dreams of being a dad to come true.

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  3. The video of Matt singing that at Adoration during WYD in Rio brings me to tears.

    *hugs* May I add you to the prayer list at my church for your surgery?

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  4. I think those moments when we see our husbands hurting can be the hardest. Prayers for you. I'm glad you've come to a decision about surgery, and hope you find peace in it.

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  5. I'm finding it very hard to learn not to want what I want, but what God wants. Especially since what I want isn't something bad. Being a parent is a good thing; I just struggle to remember that it isn't the ONLY good thing.

    I'll be praying for you that, ideally, you won't need the surgery, but if you do, that it is very successful and God blesses you from it in multiple ways.

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  6. Praying for you two! Love you guys! Let me know if you need anything!

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  7. It is so hard to hold on the belief that God's plans are better than our dreams. Thanks for the reminder and the video. Hugs and prayers!

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  8. As always, thank you for sharing your journey and will be praying for you and The Man.

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  9. Prayers for you my friend!

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  10. I love that song. So good. So perfect.

    Praying for you two. And for a successful surgery. I hate that this stuff hurts so much.

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  11. My dh at times talks about how he would like a son to play ball with or just do father/son things with...I get it. He would love a girl to call his "princess". I get it. Sometimes I forget my dh has his own journey. I do think we talk more about my feelings than his. Another surgery huh? Praying for you!

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  12. Oh dear Rebecca my prayers are with you and The Man. It is so tough to realize that the things we want most may be the things we never get here in this life. Please know that you are not alone and I pray that this next 18months are very fruitful for you and The Man.

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  13. Prayers and hugs for you and Cliff! I am so glad to hear that you have been able to move past some of your fears and battles and make some decisions, to move forward a few steps.

    Personally, I try very hard not to think about the possibility of unknown children in heaven, since there is almost nothing (the exception being prayer, of course) I can do for or about them, if they exist. If they exist, they are already in the loving embrace of their Creator, and nothing I can offer them would be greater than that.

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  14. Praying for you, Rebecca. This is so very hard right now. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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  15. My heart goes out to you and your husband. hugs!

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  16. Oh it makes it that much harder when he is broken, too. I know. It is just so so so hard. But to be in the sorrow together at the foot of the Cross, is where He wants you to be. That is where the healing can be.

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  17. Beautiful song, and praying for both of you while you take this road one step at a time!

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  18. Rebecca, my heart aches for you and your husband. Literally aches and the tears well up. I am praying for you, my friend, so hard. It's difficult for me to pray for "what God wills" instead of just "God, please just please give Rebecca a baby now!!" But I do my best. Much love for you both as you move forward and please always be assured of my prayers for you both.

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  19. Seeing the suffering of your husband is so hard. SO hard. Praying for you both, my friend.

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  20. Oh sweetness. I am so sorry. I am so here with you and know this pain and this feeling. I am praying for you as you move into another step of this journey, and pray for our hearts and healing - all of us.

    And isn't Matt Maher such a great singer - so much depth to his songs and words? <3

    Hugs, Sweet Sister!

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  21. My heart clenched reading the description of your DH =( isn't it just SO awful to see our husbands suffer? Because like you said, they're usually so brave (or at least brave-faced) for us.

    =(

    And I sometimes have similar thoughts to yours (have I conceived and just had very early m/cs) because of polyps, which can cause implantation problems. No way to ever know that - it honestly doesn't "eat" at me, but I do wonder. Guess we'll know in heaven.

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  22. love that song! it has to be nerve wracking to approach another surgery, an 18 months of possible treatment afterwards. I will be praying for peace for you during this wait.

    God bless your hubby. This last year my hubby experienced and expressed more pain related to IF then before. it hurts so much to see him hurting.

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  23. Praying that you don't need the surgery, but that if you do, it provides healing!

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  24. Prayers to you for Successful surgery and quick healing!
    Suzanne

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