So full of hope and anxiety. Wanting a miracle and wondering how I will handle another disappointment?
Trying to remind myself that my ultimate hope must lie in Him, only in Him and that is how I will handle the disappointment should it come.
It is CD 13. I had my most recent FMS this morning
(For those who are wondering: FMS = follicular maturation scans- a series of ultrasounds where they watch and measure the growth of the dominant follicle up to and through ovulation. Practically speaking it means a trans.va.ginal ultrasound on CD 5, again on CD 10 and then either every other or every day depending on growth. For me it's meant on CD 6 and CD 9 (scheduling challenges with lab) and then CD 11 and 13 and now every day until ovulation has occurred, most likely 3 - 4 more days. It could also be until a lutenized-unrupture follicle is diagnosed (LUF).)
So far, the actual process itself has been going very well. The lady who has done 3 of my 4 (and will do the rest) of my scans is a gift from God. Truly. I'm already trying to figure out what to get her for Christmas. The first day, while admitting she had never seen orders like these before, she said "but I want to get this just right for you and your doctor, since so much of your future depends on it." Um, yea. I almost burst into tears and hugged her right then. I did smile and try to express how genuinely grateful I was with my facial expression.
When she saw the follicle on CD 9, she smiled from ear to ear. I think she was more excited than I was! And then today, equal excitement as she saw the growth and gave me the measurements: 1.9 x 2.0. (millimeters, I think)
It was last Tuesday, CD 5, in the afternoon that I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety and almost burst into tears sitting at my desk. I had been thinking how well everything had gone for the initial scan, how grateful I was for Rita (oh yea, her name is Rita. There is a small statue of St. Rita on my mantel, given to me by our friend Cody almost 2 years ago. Yes, I'm asking for St. Rita's intercession.) and how this might not all be so bad after all (this is another post, why I was so resistant to the FMS for so long). But then, it came out of nowhere, the anxiety and the tears that I had to fight back. (Thank-you again to those of you in the FB group who prayed, truly, you were life savers that day.)
And so it has come and gone. This anxiety.
I can't figure out which is worse: finding out that I ovulate normally or finding out that I do not ovulate normally. I'm honestly trying hard not to "figure" at all. I'm trying hard to remind myself that God is God, regardless of the outcome of the tests or this cycle. That whether this results in our first BFP or in finding out I do not ovulate normally, that God is the same. I find myself repeating that almost subconsciously throughout the day "He is the same; He is the same; He is the same."
I could "what if" both myself and you to death right about now. I even talked in my sleep last night, for the first time in a long time according to The Man, a sure sign that I am anxious and worrying.
I am trying to not think through the ramifications of every possible outcome, of finding out I ovulate normally and conceiving; and not conceiving; and of finding out I do not ovulate normally. I'm trying to keep things in perspective, I'm on no medications, I'm almost 2 years post-op, including having my tubes opened, and the BB has been consistently present. But, then there is this: God can heal us. Yes, trying to keep it all in perspective.
This Advent has certainly become one of waiting, and it is not lost on me that, one way or the other, my waiting for this cycle will come to an end right after Christmas.
Yes, He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever.
It is for Him I wait.