12.10.2013

An Advent of Waiting

So full of hope and anxiety. Wanting a miracle and wondering how I will handle another disappointment?
Trying to remind myself that my ultimate hope must lie in Him, only in Him and that is how I will handle the disappointment should it come.

It is CD 13. I had my most recent FMS this morning

(For those who are wondering: FMS = follicular maturation scans- a series of ultrasounds where they watch and measure the growth of the dominant follicle up to and through ovulation. Practically speaking it means a trans.va.ginal ultrasound on CD 5, again on CD 10 and then either every other or every day depending on growth. For me it's meant on CD 6 and CD 9 (scheduling challenges with lab) and then CD 11 and 13 and now every day until ovulation has occurred, most likely 3 - 4 more days. It could also be until a lutenized-unrupture follicle is diagnosed (LUF).)

So far, the actual process itself has been going very well. The lady who has done 3 of my 4 (and will do the rest) of my scans is a gift from God. Truly. I'm already trying to figure out what to get her for Christmas. The first day, while admitting she had never seen orders like these before, she said "but I want to get this just right for you and your doctor, since so much of your future depends on it." Um, yea. I almost burst into tears and hugged her right then. I did smile and try to express how genuinely grateful I was with my facial expression.

When she saw the follicle on CD 9, she smiled from ear to ear. I think she was more excited than I was! And then today, equal excitement as she saw the growth and gave me the measurements: 1.9 x 2.0. (millimeters, I think)

It was last Tuesday, CD 5, in the afternoon that I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety and almost burst into tears sitting at my desk. I had been thinking how well everything had gone for the initial scan, how grateful I was for Rita (oh yea, her name is Rita. There is a small statue of St. Rita on my mantel, given to me by our friend Cody almost 2 years ago. Yes, I'm asking for St. Rita's intercession.) and how this might not all be so bad after all (this is another post, why I was so resistant to the FMS for so long). But then, it came out of nowhere, the anxiety and the tears that I had to fight back. (Thank-you again to those of you in the FB group who prayed, truly, you were life savers that day.)

And so it has come and gone. This anxiety.

I can't figure out which is worse: finding out that I ovulate normally or finding out that I do not ovulate normally. I'm honestly trying hard not to "figure" at all. I'm trying hard to remind myself that God is God, regardless of the outcome of the tests or this cycle. That whether this results in our first BFP or in finding out I do not ovulate normally, that God is the same. I find myself repeating that almost subconsciously throughout the day "He is the same; He is the same; He is the same."

I could "what if" both myself and you to death right about now. I even talked in my sleep last night, for the first time in a long time according to The Man, a sure sign that I am anxious and worrying.

I am trying to not think through the ramifications of every possible outcome, of finding out I ovulate normally and conceiving; and not conceiving; and of finding out I do not ovulate normally. I'm trying to keep things in perspective, I'm on no medications, I'm almost 2 years post-op, including having my tubes opened, and the BB has been consistently present. But, then there is this: God can heal us. Yes, trying to keep it all in perspective.

This Advent has certainly become one of waiting, and it is not lost on me that, one way or the other, my waiting for this cycle will come to an end right after Christmas.

Yes, He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever.

It is for Him I wait.

14 comments:

  1. "That whether this results in our first BFP or in finding out I do not ovulate normally, that God is the same. I find myself repeating that almost subconsciously throughout the day 'He is the same; He is the same; He is the same.'"

    How true is that!! Thank you for pointing that out. So obvious, yet something I hadn't thought of. He's the same AND He loves us the same, no matter what.

    So happy to hear the FMS is going well so far. :)

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  2. He is always the same. Always.
    Use those days when the follicle is mature!! Praying hard for you!!

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  3. I know that my last FMS was very enlightening -- it didn't bring the results I wanted, but at least my doctor was excited.

    Continuing to pray for you!

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  4. I have the dreaded BB again too. It never means good things for me. Praying for you!!

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  5. You are always in my prayers!

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  6. I love your aspiration "He is the same"!!! ...I need to remember God's presence more thoughout the day. I'm glad to hear you are doing this. Even if it hurts, I still think knowing is better than not knowing.

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  7. I love that too, "He is the same." Praying for you for peace with whatever you find out from the FMS.

    And speaking of last nights sleep... I woke up last night crying (well, crying in my dream, but I think maybe crying for real too). Because in my dream I read your BFP post and I was so happy I was sobbing. I thought you should know that; but don't read into it beyond that I'm thinking of you and praying for you a lot-- I'm not one of those people who has prophetic dreams or anything.

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  8. Praying that you have peace through the rest of this Advent, peace that does not depend on the outcome of this cycle, and peace that stays constant, even when the emotions are all over the place.

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  9. His peace surpasses all understanding! Will be praying for St Rita's intercession for you and The Man, especially in these upcoming weeks.

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  10. Trying not to focus on all the possibilities and ramifications is the hardest! I will keep praying for peace and patience for you this Advent.

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