AF was her usual nasty self and arrived on Thanksgiving. I was expecting her thanks to the lovely warning of BB she gives me for a week each cycle, but still, Thanksgiving just seemed a bit unnecessary.
This morning, I figured no one would be at Dr. D's office in order to get my order for the Follicular Maturation Series (FMS) and that would mean waiting until the next cycle in January which is a bit of a scheduling nightmare. This annoyance then turned into my awesome "flight" response kicking in and starting to think maybe this just isn't what we should be doing and we should just give up all together. Just about the time I had that thought, a new email popped up in my inbox, from one of the FCPs at Dr. D's office! So, I now have my first ultrasounds scheduled for Tuesday (CD 6, the appointments on Monday/CD 5 were right in the middle of the day and I really need to go to work on Monday, but Tuesday they had morning appointments and CD 6 was an OK day, so I went with it). That was followed up by the email for the orders for my blood work/hormone panel to begin on CD 10.
As peaceful as I thought I felt in those moments where I was thinking that this just isn't what we should be doing, as soon as that first email came back, I knew that peace wasn't of God, that it was a false peace. I am reminded of my session with Fr. D. when he was talking to me about discerning spirits and that when you are in a place of spiritual desolation it is not the time to alter plans, but to continue moving forward with those already in place. It seemed that as soon as I took this step forward on the "plan" in being able to schedule the appointment I felt a little better. I'm grateful for that and for the insight from our last session.
I'm very grateful to be moving forward, feeling very much like we are starting over, as in a lot of ways, we are. I am interested to see how things are different from my first hormone panel 2 years ago, and especially the insulin resistance numbers. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high that things look better, as the BB indicates that my progesterone is still low post-peak.
With this gratitude, though, comes the mixed emotions of wanting the answers that will potentially be provided, but also knowing that those answers could be bad news, specifically related to the FMS. I am as confident as I can be that if we didn't do this test I would look back in 10 years and regret it, so we are moving forward.
I also had a message on Wednesday from Dr. D's scheduler to schedule my next appointment. I didn't get the message until after she was gone for the day, so I will be calling on Monday to make that appointment. I had been wondering if they'd forgotten about me, as it seemed like it was getting late to schedule for January, so I was glad to get the phone call.
It is not lost on me that all of this will be happening during Advent. I'm trying not to have expectations that this year will be like last; I'm just trying to focus on that moment of surrender that allowed the grace to flow and to be open to where He is leading me this year. I know I will fail daily at this and I'll be offering up the moments of stress and anxiety that I'm sure will be a part of this whole process for all of you. I am once again, renewing my surrender, renewing my Fiat. If I've learned anything in this past year, it is that is the only way I'll make it through any of this.