11.16.2013

An Update of Sorts

I'm not sure where to start nor what I really have to say, if anything (well, we all know I usually have something to say).

I suppose letting you all know that I didn't do the FMS or blood-work this cycle. I don't have a good reason, I just didn't. I've barely even been charting, I'm P+ something, but I don't know what, maybe 5 or 6?

I met with Fr. D on Thursday and let's just say it led to him saying this: "It sounds like you are in a place of hopelessness. That is the worst place to be." And then just sitting with me as I cried and sobbed because I knew he was right. We did end up talking more and working through it some, and he gave me the Ignatian guide to discerning spirits, pointing out he thought I was in a place of desolation. I agreed.

The {adjusted} plan is to do the FMS and blood-work next cycle. The Man's job is to remind me and if I don't do it on CD 1, to call and schedule the u/s for CD 5 for me. (This is because I suspect I will just not do it again. No reason, I just won't. It's what I do when I get emotionally overwhelmed, I shut down and just don't do things.)

I also want you all to know I'm sorry I've been awful about commenting on your blogs lately. I am reading and praying for all of you, I promise. It honestly just feels like too much to comment. I realize that sounds awful, IS awful, and I'm so sorry. I am following and praying for you.

Today is my Nan's 85th birthday. We gathered for lunch and cake (she didn't want anything, saying "it's just another day." Um, no, it's not "just another day" when you turn 85!). As we sat down, I heard my Uncle (at the other end of the table) tell my Nan that they were praying for us every day to have a baby. My Nan then added her own two cents about why she thinks we aren't getting pregnant - my running. I just changed my drink order from wine to a {strong} bloody Mary and tried not to cry or yell or both. (And just in case anyone is wondering, my doctor knows I run and she's not told me to stop and it also does not impact my cycle - as evidenced by my charts - and keeps me sane, so yea, most likely not gonna happen.) We took photos after, one with me, my mom, and my Nan - 3 generations with a stab of sorrow because we used to take 4 generation photos with my Big Grandma and I so badly want another 4 generation photo...


Oh and there's been my Dad's birthday (of course I had a great plan of how I'd tell him if we'd been pregnant) and then Halloween (yea, we just left the porch light off) and Thanksgiving in 2 weeks, and then of course Christmas. So, yea.

And, the Mountaineers lost today. To Kansas. It was the first time in 27 games Kansas had won a Big 12 conference football game. Even the Mountaineers are failing me. (I realize to some of you this seems stupid, and I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but, well, just read this: Why I Need Football and maybe it will help me seem a little less crazy.)

I find myself at Mass these days literally begging God to be near, begging Him to let me feel His presence and His peace. I've managed to find (because again, when I'm emotionally overwhelmed, I just don't do things) at least a few minutes most days to sit in silence and pray. Usually when I do it is a steady stream of tears and nothing else. Not really sobs, though sometimes those are there too, but the kind of tears that just stream from my eyes and down my cheeks, almost as if they have a life all their own.

I realize that I've said a lot here, and really nothing. Nothing new. I'm going to hit publish only because there were times I didn't have my own words and read the words of someone else and I was reminded I am not alone. If only one person reads this and feels somehow less alone then something good will have come out of this place I'm finding myself in these days.

24 comments:

  1. Oh, R, my heart just aches for you! IF is just so, so hard and seems darn near impossible most days. I wish I had something to say to lift you up, but I'm just sorrowing with you. You know where to find me if you need me.
    and gosh, those family members! The nerve. Really. WTF?

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  2. You know what is AFTER Christmas?! Seeing ME! (and the Theology of the body course...) The thought that I will see you right after Christmas will help carry me through this very difficult season! I'm praying for you. Hugs!

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    1. Ah yes!!! Thank-you for this reminder!!!

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  3. So sorry. That desolation can be so dark, I will pray for you, you are so brave!!!

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  4. Rebecca - words are failing me right now. Please know of my prayers. Let us lift you up in prayer and may your burdens be lifted. Our Lady of Hope, pray for R!

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  5. I do feel a little less alone, knowing that other people know how I feel. I think I've been in a place of desolation for a while now, and I'm praying God drags us both out soon.
    Thanks for keeping it real.

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  6. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hate that place of desolation. :(

    I wish I could give you a big hug.

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  7. I already knew you were an amazing friend but letting Michelle's team win ~ at football!! Wow!!
    You are amazing!! Happy Birthday to your Nan, hope she (and you) have a wonderful year!

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  8. Oh my friend. Yes, you've said a lot here, but it's not nothing. You have shared your struggle honestly and openly. I'm sorry you have reached a place of hopelessness. I am praying for you... it's the most I can do.

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  9. Thanks for sharing, I have been thinking of you a lot this week for some reason. I will pray, pray, pray, and it DOES help to know we are not alone. Every time I feel like I'm doing better, or can move on with life w/o children, I have a bad week/day/month, etc. Yesterday was one of those for me. Just felt so hopeless. I'm so sorry your grandma had mentioned your running like that, my mom does that to me too, and I keep telling her that the doc said it was fine. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! Hope the Mountaineers do better, football helps bring so much joy to my life...although now my Packers are down to their 3rd string QB. Not fun. Peace to you friend, sorry you have to go through all this pain. It is incredible that you are still taking even a few minutes with Jesus, your tears are beautiful.

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  10. When I opened the Sports section (to use it to protect my table as I work on Christmas gift crafts), I saw the headline "WVU Hits New Low," and of course, I thought of you. I hope WVU starts doing better.

    As hard it was to hear, remember that your uncle and Nan are praying for you, and do care deeply about your family. Unfortunately, their interpretations are colored by when they grew up and what women did and didn't do; running, especially a marathon, could seem really out of the ordinary, maybe even something that women shouldn't do. Your Nan may even know that being too fitness oriented can cause problems if taken to extremes. She cares, even if she doesn't understand. And honestly, sometimes it's not worth trying to explain it, especially to relatives of that generation.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

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    1. Yes - I know that they mean well, and yes, I'm grateful for the prayers. That's why I just made my drink stronger instead of getting into it with them :).

      "WVU Hits New Low" - that's one way of putting it :( - ugh! I haven't even bothered to look at our sports section (usually one of my favorite Sunday afternoon activities), I don't want to hear all the excuses!

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    2. I'm just gonna have to stand up for my Jayhawks for just a second here -- I know they haven't won a conference game in forever, but there have been some close calls and they have been improving. I get it -- no one wants to be the one to have KU break their losing streak on them -- but give them a little credit. :)

      (You know that all comes from a good place....)

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  11. And its not awful that you're not commenting. I've been there, probably most of us have. Your words have been missed, but do what you need to do, and we know you'll be "back" before too long.
    You're in my prayers, every day.

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  12. Desolation sucks! Really bad! And it feels like it will never end, and that there is no point to any of it- the desolation itself, all the rest of the things that you are trying to do with your life, treatments, etc. You are not awful for not commenting. I have noticed that, and while I miss your comments, it just gives me a reason to pray more for you since I figured it meant things were especially difficult right now.

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  13. If football (usually) gives you joy right now, by all means enjoy it. If running is giving you joy right now, pound that pavement! Those are both healthy things.

    I wish this time of hopelessness would end but in the meantime, know that many of us are praying for you and thinking of you. And seriously, tears while sitting in silence are amazing things.

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  14. This does help me feel less alone. So sorry that all of this is just so darn hard. Hugs!

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  15. Those periods of hopelessness are HARD. And the holidays coming up… even harder. But have joy, my friend. Christ wants it for you… keep reminding yourself that He came so your joy can be full. Love and hugs to you! And of course, many prayers!!!

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  16. Please know I am praying for you. I can't imagine how hard all of this is. And...one more thing -- I also shut down and just don't do things. When I've had money trouble before, I literally just wouldn't look at my bank account or open the bills because I just didn't want to deal (I guess)

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  17. I am keeping you in my prayers! I hate that feeling of hopelessness. I find myself feeling it often in regards to God. And I barely comment on anything anymore... makes me feel guilty!

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  18. Thanks for hitting publish. Somehow even in your lows you find a way to sound composed and thoughtful. I wish my random posts were so! I AM so glad your spunky Nan is celebrating more birthdays after all the scares recently, but boy she sounds like our older relatives too. Your doctor's advice is sound, if you were a professional ballerina I think there might be other advice but, the older generation still thinks any activity just hurts women :( its all individual. Anyway, my words are so not comforting right now but I identify with that tears quote so. Not weakness, just a different form of expression. Did you make it to Texas?

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    1. It's amazing how hitting "publish" can help. While I wouldn't say I'm "better," I definitely think the combination of my session with Fr. D, dinner with Stephanie Z, getting this out here, and all of the prayers and encouragement from all of you are making a difference.

      And yes! I did make it to Texas - I thought to myself at least 5 different times while I was there "I need to text Alison" and of course, I didn't :(. But yes! And I'm going back in February, The Man is coming with then too :).

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  19. I'm sorry things are so hard - I wish so much they weren't! You are in my prayers often and don't worry at all about not commenting! Sometimes you just need that space. I will be praying for you throughout the holidays - I hate that holidays are so hard, but they just are =( Praying the time of desolation ends soon!

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  20. You know, the thinking in older generations is/was that running isn't healthy for "lady parts". But I'm sure you know that. Even though I haven't been visiting lately, you have been in my thoughts.

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