10.17.2013

The Medical Plan and Reflections About Our "Break"

I wrote about "The Spiritual Plan" over a month ago, expecting the medical plan to come together soon after. Well, it finally did just yesterday when I got final confirmation from the FCP at my doctor's office about a test.

So, here it is:

My next cycle I will have the Follicular Maturation Series done (don't be mad TCIE, I need to at least try to have it done locally first because my travel schedule is already crazy enough). The plan is to do this one time and get an answer regarding ovulation - do I or don't I? Is it healthy and strong or not?

I will also have a modified hormone panel done, I get to wait until CD 10 instead of 3 to start the blood draws this time. A few less days of being a pin cushion anyway.

On P+7, we will revisit the 2-hour fasting glucose with insulin levels test.

I will see Dr. D sometime in January.

It seems like not a lot when I list it that way, but I'm already feeling it all. I know there will be a next cycle b/c a marriage-prep weekend combined with The Man's sinus infection equals no Is on "fertile" days, so there is no chance of skipping any of this. I will admit, while I didn't plan to not use this cycle, I'm OK with it, as the marathon is going to fall in the last days of what would be the 2WW, and I'm grateful to not be analyzing every twinge while trying to run 26.2 miles with some level of confidence.

So that's it. Seems so simple. Spend 30 minutes a day in silent time with the Lord and have a few tests run. Got it.

Yeaaaaaa. Riiiiiiight.

Which has led me to reflecting upon this "break." It's not a true TTC break because we were still, you know, having s.ex on "fertile" days, but without meds (and with the evidence on my charts) it was much less likely we would conceive.

Yet, even with that knowledge. I still hoped. I still dreamed all of those dreams. And here we are again, 6 months later, still not parents.

When I was hoping, so boldly and foolishly, I wondered why I was hoping. Where was it coming from? Knowing that it felt good to hope; that I felt alive when I hoped, but wondering where it was coming from.

I concluded that it was because somehow, 3 years later, I still believed God could heal us. That, should He choose, our infertility could be gone. just. like. that. It is the only explanation that makes any sense. Because, practically speaking, to hope during an unmedicated cycle makes very little sense.

And yet, He didn't. The hope gave way to tears and disappointment yet again.

Which leaves me right back where I started, to the question we all have about something or other in our lives, why? Or perhaps more accurately in this situation, why not?

And I find myself straddling another line on this road. The line between believing God can heal us and asking why he doesn't. We are trying to do our part, trying to keep moving down the road, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about what we may find out. I think it's time I actually follow my spiritual plan so that I can make it through this medical plan with some small amount of grace.

23 comments:

  1. Yes, the spiritual plan is a must to get through fertility treatments! Praying for peace for you dear friend.

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  2. Hugs, Prayers and lots of love!

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  3. It's so hard to hope...and yet it's impossible not to! I feel that practically every cycle regardless of what actually transpired that cycle...and even "little" diagnostic/treatment steps can seem so big. Good luck with the ovulation series and the other tests!

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  4. As always I am praying for you. It sounds like a plan to me.

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  5. That last paragraph really resonated with me. For us, medically speaking we were told that nothing else could be done for us to have children. We are trying to hope for healing for just my health...Either way we are just walking forward not sure what our future will be like. We choosing to trust God no matter what. This is really hard because what we want does not always line up for God better plan...

    Hang in there.

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  6. Hugs and prayers!
    Good luck on the run!

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  7. Having just finished a hormone panel starting on day 10, and knowing what is involved in the Follicular Maturation Series, that is definitely a lot! 8 or 9 blood draws, plus a week or more of daily ultrasounds is not nothing.

    I'm praying for your strength and courage as you take these next steps.

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  8. Sounds like a good plan. I hope you get some good results from the ultrasound series. Praying for you as you resume the medical side of TTC.

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  9. I really admire your persistence. I've never had any of the official TTC treatments, and they sound truly grueling. I don't know if I could manage it emotionally. My medical experiences can be summed up in multiple hospitalizations for bleeding during early pregnancy, a D&C, a c-section with an ineffective epidural, and lots of follow-up blood tests. Nothing erodes my stoic facade quite like a needle in the arm. I don't think I could deal with it long-term. I definitely admire you for hoping, because sometimes that can be the hardest part.

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  10. I always remember you saying hoping is important, because it gives life and points us to our ultimate hoppe for heaven. It is soooooo hard though. I also think asking "Why" is important because even asking that question is a step that makes us vulnerable to an answer, or to no answer right now (which is the hardest of alll!). Praying for you in these next steps. Jesus give u peace.

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  11. Quite possibly you are looking in the wrong place? I just read the Book of Habakkuk Chapter 2 and it really spoke to me. You are in my prayers!

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  12. Praying! You are amazing to share all of this.

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  13. I'm excited to hear how your time with God goes. I was thinking of that in Adoration as I plowed through one book after the other (okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but close). I decided to spend a little time listening. I think I might have made it 30 whole seconds. And for the record, I thought your list of things sounded like plenty to do!

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  14. Praying for you. I see so many parallels to running a marathon.

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  15. I'm ashamed to say I'm done with hope and that I've delegated to DH the task of hoping for both of us--and this is with adoption! It takes an enormous amount of courage to hope.

    I will keep you in my prayers as you embark on your spiritual plan. Remember, you can just start with 5 minutes. Or two minutes! God will take you the rest of the way.

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  16. It stinks to know a cycle will probably have a BFN at the end of it (it makes me want to get through it fast and get onto a more hopeful one). Your plan of treatment sounds like it will give you some good answers! I'll be praying for you during your treatments and as you run!

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  17. "And I find myself straddling another line on this road. The line between believing God can heal us and asking why he doesn't."

    I feel this every day. I feel hopeful that He can heal while at the same time feel frustrated that He hasn't yet. I supposed we won't know why this is until we rest with Him in Heaven. Until then, prayers that the medical and spiritual plans both work for you! And soon. :)

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  18. So, so, so hard. I will pray you get some good results from these profiles. They majorly impede your life, I know. And thoughts on more antibiotics?

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  19. I had the Follicular series done too. It was definitely taxing. I did it the same month that I did the hormone profile... so I had the double whammy. My life for that month revolved around IF, so that was tough. Good news is-- this will give you answers. You'll get through It just fine. We're all praying for you.

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