10.06.2013

Overwhelmed

It is the only word that even comes close to how I'm feeling these days.

When I don't want to be honest I blame it on marathon training, grad school, and a busy work schedule because, well, that's certainly enough to be overwhelming. But when I am honest, I realize it has nothing to do with any of that.

The past week has been rough. The number of pregnancy announcements that started at 4 last Saturday was up to 9 by yesterday. 9 in 7 days. With CD1 right smack in the middle. As the tears streamed down my face yesterday morning, I just kept asking "when does it stop?" The passing of this cycle means we have officially passed the 3 year mark of TTC. The only word that comes close to describing how I feel about that is sorrow. Deep sorrow.

Then, there was the retreat I was co-running this weekend - for parents who have lost a child. (I was co-running it b/c I do not have this experience, but a wonderful couple who does created a beautiful ministry and was willing to bring it to our diocese.) It was beautiful, but was so much more emotional for me than I expected. It brought up emotions and thoughts that I cannot explain.

And then, there was the news from my Dad (albeit it came over a week ago, but I just really let it sink in this week) that his cancer is back. No matter how many times I tell myself "the doctors are hopeful that the drugs will take care of it. There is a good chance it will go away," the only words that keep echoing in my head are: dad, cancer, 4 spots, spleen, pancreas, rib, lungs, chemotherapy, experimental drugs, and more. Knowing the doctors are hopeful only goes so far for this worry-er.

Then, there was the fight The Man and I had last Friday afternoon. It was awful. The repercussions are still being felt over a week later. We are fine, just a little "off" our usual for now. Thank-you God for the grace of our marriage.

Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed.

I'm sure it's because of all of this and being in a more vulnerable state, but this cross of infertility feels so much heavier than it has recently. It feels like the wound that was perhaps starting to heal has been ripped open and made even bigger.

I have yet to follow-up on my "spiritual plan." If I'm honest, I don't want to. The silence scares me, especially a silence in which I'm asking God what He wants from me in regard to our infertility because what if His answer is "no"? What then? And all of a sudden a filmstrip of dreams starts playing in my head and I realize that it is these dreams I must be willing to lay at the foot of the cross. It is easy to write. Easy to say. And yet, I won't even put myself in the environment in which He might say this is what must be done. But I must. I promised Fr. D I would start this week.

I also haven't heard back from Dr. D. on the medical plan. I confirmed that they received my charts and they did, so I wait. Another cycle starting before I heard back from them has been more disappointing than I expected. This isn't normal, so I'm sure it's just because I wasn't in the "regular" cycle of patients, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated.

Yes, as I write it all out, overwhelmed is the only word for it all.



29 comments:

  1. I was just thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Know that I'm praying for you! And, yes, the marathon training, work schedule, and grad school DO have a lot to do with it as well. No, those aren't the painful parts, but being that busy makes the painful stuff even more difficult to deal with because you don't have as many reserves for the tough stuff. Wow. 9 pregnancy announcements in 7 days? That's insanity!

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  2. Psalm 61:2 is one verse I have held onto for so long! It is these kinds of prayers and truths that have really helped us to grieve and find hope...

    I am so sorry about your dad... We are sending many hugs! I am praying!

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  3. I'm so sorry, Rebecca!

    ((Hug))

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  4. If it helps at all? I believe they said Dr. D was on vacation, and just got back last Monday--so she's probably catching up on a lot. I know that doesn't help for this cycle, but its an explanation, at least.

    Prayers.

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    1. Thanks Katie - that does help. Hopefully I hear from them by the end of the week.

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  5. I really like that image of laying our dreams at the foot of the cross. I realize now that's what I've been trying to do for the last few years. There's so much anticipation, so much emotional investment, so much certainty that we're doing God's work - and then it all seems to go wrong. It doesn't seem to make sense, or worse, seems like a divine judgement on our abilities as potential mothers. I try to remind myself that He must have a different purpose for me in life, that it's all part of the plan after all, but pregnancy announcements can really make it hard. :(

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  6. At TOB + IL yesterday we were talking about WHY we don't want to be silent and "be aware" of what is going on within us. I think you hit on all the major ones we covered. You have prayer warriors here for you this week! *deep and meaningful hugs*

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    1. I can't tell you how comforting that is. Thank-you for the prayers and the hugs! Continued prayers for your week!!

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  7. I totally get being overwhelmed. Especially the 9 bfp announcements; that's just hard!

    I can also relate to the "not wanting to hear God's answer in case it's no" feelings. I'm at the stage where I almost feel as though I've lost hope in God's providence. I know he can give us a child, but I'm so crushed by the fact that he repeatedly hasn't over the last 5.5 years, that I don't even have the emotional strength to ask anymore. I just assume the answer will continue to be "no." And I think I'm afraid that if I continue to ask and get told "no" again and again, I will grow to resent God. I definitely don't want that to happen, so maybe for me, not asking anymore feels safer. Unfortunately, that's more like grudging resignation to God's will rather than loving acceptance. So I pray that God will give me that peace of loving acceptance.

    I've been keeping you in prayer, and I will continue to do so.

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  8. Rebecca, I'm so sorry to hear that the cross has been so heavy recently. I pray that one day, another's pregnancy announcement will not be quite so much of a sting, but it seems like few of us get there while actively TTC.

    I do have a small suggestion about the Centering Prayer. Thomas Keating say that you should do it for at least twenty minutes because it takes that long to cultivate a blah blah blah blah. He's just wrong about that. When I've been overwhelmed and unable to face twenty minutes of "doing nothing," I've started with two minutes. Just two minutes a day. You know what? After a week of two minutes a day, I WANTED to extend it to five minutes. After a week of that, I wanted to add another five minutes, later in the day. After a month of that, I wanted to extend it to twenty minutes.

    Doing things that are transformative is always scary, whether it's writing (I"m procrastinating as I write this) or prayer. But if you can take a tiny, tiny step--just two minutes--God will meet you more than halfway.

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    1. Fr. D. did say I could start with 15 minutes and gave me a tip for clearing my mind and discerning what was from me and what was from God. I'm gonna give that a try tonight and see how it goes.

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    2. In my head I started the above comment with "Thank-you so much for the encouragement and tips! It's nice to know I"m not the only one who struggles with this." Obviously my brain and my fingers are not cooperating this evening.

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  9. Wrapping you up in prayer and will be praying for you Dad too. So appreciate the feelings of being overwhelmed and not even sure how to move forward; different cross ~ same dilemma.
    Seeking the treasure in the trial.

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  10. oh dear friend, as soon as I saw the title of this, I was afraid more bfp announcements had come your way. And then...what an emotional weekend retreat I can imagine it must have been. I need to do the centering prayer thing Sarah suggested myself. I think starting with 2 minutes for a week is a fabulous idea and then moving on to longer periods after that. I pray you hear from your Doctors soon and I pray that the next 3 weeks go by with minimal "big things" happening...I think you'll be so excited when you finish your marathon...I remember the adrenaline rush that seemed to last for months after I finished mine. Much continued prayers and love for you.

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  11. Ahhhhhhh, 9 announcements in 7 days, plus AF and the 3yr ttc mark!!! That's A LOT to deal with, not to mention everything else weighing on your heart. Jesus hold your heart close to His. Feeling sad with you. Wish you didn't have to go through all of this. Prayers.

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  12. I don't know if this will help but my dh and I have been ttc'ing for over 10 years! I know it still burns..no matter the amt of years. I do get it.

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  13. Oh my goodness, the 9 BFPs on top of everything else... that is so much. Hugs, my dear friend. Hugs and prayers!

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  14. Oh Rebecca, I am so sorry. I will pray for healing for your dad, for your tender heart, and for all of your intentions. I am praying a rosary for you today. Our Lady of the Rosary, pray for us!

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  15. My friend, I sit here in tears. Asking God for continued grace. Asking God to bless you with a child. Asking God for you to feel Him lifting this heavy burden. Asking God to heal your father. I'm so very sorry... I wish I could give you a hug.

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  16. Praying for you, Rebecca. All that is going on in your life is very overwhelming. I wish these crosses of worry and the unknown could be lifted from you shoulders. Know that you are not alone.

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  17. 9 pregnancy announcements in 7 days... that is so, so much, before you even get to the rest of it. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this right now; I'm praying for you and your family.

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  18. I'm so sorry =( That's so much to deal with at once. Some days it just pours, right? I wish I had something more tangible to do but just know that my heart hurts for you and you remain in my prayers. Your dad too. And you and the man - those fights are brutal on the heart...

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  19. Oh, Sweet Love. I wish you and I could have a drink and a biscotti together, and I could hug you. I'm so so so sorry. You are courageous and strong, and yet, this is a heavy week, day, era for you. My love is with you, Rebecca.

    And this...
    "I have yet to follow-up on my "spiritual plan." If I'm honest, I don't want to. The silence scares me, especially a silence in which I'm asking God what He wants from me in regard to our infertility because what if is answer is "no"? What then?"
    Oh, Lady, I could have written this myself. I know. I know. I'm horrified to do the same, and yet know I have to. I have to. I just keep trying to hold it. Hmmmm.
    Hugs and love, Sweet Friend ~
    A*Sue

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  20. Hugs and prayers for you, Rebecca!

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  21. Prayers and love to you sweet friend!

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  22. Hugs, friend. You are in my prayers daily. Sorry to hear about your dad. I will pray for him too!

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