9.04.2013

Not Today

So much is swirling around in my head and in my heart right now.

AF sent me on another roller coaster this month (don't worry, she's definitely here, no BFP announcement to see here). I was convinced she'd arrived on Sunday, even told 2 friends I was texting with she had. But then, she seemingly went away. And Monday, the same.

Today, potential P+17. Again.

Never before, and now 2 out of 4 months?

I did not test this time. I didn't get anyone else's hopes up. I've learned my lesson.

But, oh, why is there always a 'but'? But, I did stop living my life for the week. I've been exhausted for about a week and a half. I had no pre-AF spotting. I convinced myself I might be pregnant. I clung to that hope and rode it.

And I didn't run.

I'm so angry at myself. 2 months away from a marathon and I don't run for an entire week?

What the....?

Yea, I really did convince myself. Sure, in moments of sanity I enjoyed a couple of drinks with Alison and at the game on Saturday, but in the early morning hours when I'd wake up to no sign of AF I didn't run. I let myself believe; I clung to my hope, the hope I wanted to be there.

I had plenty of reasons to be exhausted. Plenty of sane, reasonable reasons. But I let myself do it again - believe I was pregnant.

And, well. It's definitely not P+17 (Let's just pretend it's before midnight on Tuesday that I'm typing this, Ok? Thanks.) It's definitely CD1.

And I've got tears. Sad tears and angry tears all mixed up together.

It was our last cycle before reaching 3 years TTC, and so here we are. Sept. 22 will be the third anniversary of our first NFP "rule breaking." I know, I have the draft blog post saved to prove it.

I've reread the words I wrote and I can barely remember that girl. So innocent. So full of hope. So nervous she'd get pregnant on the first try and hurt all of these wonderful IF bloggers she'd been reading and following. Oh, what she didn't know.

It seems like another life. Like something I watched in a movie long ago and can only vaguely remember.

Today's Responsorial Psalm was: I believe I shall see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living.

Three years ago, I would have found such hope, such beauty in those words. Today, I choked back tears. I fought cynicism and doubt.

I wish I could tell you I had some great revelation or insight. I don't. Not today.

All I feel is my brokenness; my barrenness; my emptiness.

31 comments:

  1. Praying so hard for you! So much of what you just said puts into words what I was feeling all day. Know that I am there with you and I think about you almost everyday.

    I am sending you hugs, tears and love!

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  2. *sits quietly with you in this place*

    There are so many pieces of Scripture that come up as Responsorial Psalms, readings from a devotional book, etc. that are where the rubber meets the road for my faith. I've found that during those times when I come to the end of myself, God is waiting to pick up the slack. Rest in the knowledge that God is picking up the slack for you right now.

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  3. "It seems like another life. Like something I watched in a movie long ago and can only vaguely remember."
    I feel like that a lot. Sometimes I feel like I even imagined being pregnant...

    Don't beat yourself up about not running. You'll get back on track.
    Praying for you!

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  4. Hope can be so dangerous -- I let myself hope last month when I know I ovulated and we had perfectly timed, fertility-focused relations.

    I continue to pray for you!

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  5. My heart is breaking as I read this. I am praying for you. I completely know what you mean by another life. We thought for sure we would get pregant right away. Hang in there!

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  6. I've also been feeling a lot of the pain of dashed hopes recently (both IF and non-IF related).

    As for that Psalm, I don't think the "land of the living" is here, I think it's heaven, where we'll be in the presence of the Lord and truly alive. Just remember that He has good things waiting for you there that you can't even imagine, including a heart healed from all the pain of brokenness.

    I'll be praying for you. Please pray for me, too.

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  7. I am dealing with infertility for a long time. Reading your post made me think of myself few years ago. Every cycle, at the end of the 2WW, I was desperately clinging to hope and if there was a few days delay than I was considering myself pregnant and started avoid everything potentially harmful. A lot of tears, broken hopes and a garbage bin with PG tests with no sign of a second a pink line. At some point I said "that's enough", for my own sanity as an individual and as a couple. Yes, there is still some hope left but I know that most likely I'm not pregnant even if there is a 1-2 days delay. I decided to take PG test only if I have a delay > of 1 week (and guess, what it happened only once in 1 year!). I still take prenatal vitamins and I don't get drunk or climb the mount Everest during the 2ww (just in case..) but for the rest I keep moving on with my life. You are in my prayers. Hugs.

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  8. Sorry for the grammar. I wrote my post in a rush.

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  9. That responsorial psalm- I know what you're saying. There was a time where it would have held such promise. I admit that at the moment it's not so much cynicism that strikes me when I read that, but just a sort of disconnect. I don't really know what it means. I believe it, but I don't know what it means. If that makes any sense.

    I'm praying for you. AF sucks. Negative anniversaries suck. The two together hugely and thoroughly stink.

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  10. No words, much love and many prayers for you and The Man.

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  11. Praying for you, Rebecca. What a rollercoaster ride you have been on these past few cycles! I think I would not have ran either if I was in your shoes. This stinks. I want this wait to be over for you so badly! You have taught me so much though through this suffering. There is a big and very beautiful plan for you and your hubby. Praying!

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  12. Oh, Rebecca... I am so so sorry. I have tears going down my cheeks for you. I hate it that you and your husband have to go through this. :-( Praying for you guys.

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  13. We feel your pain! Sending hugs!

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  14. (((hugs))) and many prayers for you dear Rebecca!

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  15. Hope is part of an IF girl's life...I say prayers every month to not think about hope too much. My mind plays games...my heart joins in. I'm kind of used to it. Sending hugs your way.

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  16. Hugs and prayers! I hope that getting back to running helps you through this tough time.

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  17. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry!! Hope is such a roller coaster. Sending you hugs online until I can give you one in person! And of course, you are in my prayers.

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  18. I'm. Soooooo. Sorry. Going until P+17 is the worst! It is hard to believe we were once so innocent and hopefilled with regard to fertility, and now we just have tears and brokenness. Sometimes I look at our pre-IF photos and I just want to go back to that innocence and hope, and envy that girl in the pic. Prayers and peace be with you in your sadness. You are not alone.

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  19. *hugs*

    So sorry to hear all of this!

    It's so hard to have hope with IF. We hold off on hoping because we know we don't have the best record of achieving pregnancy. And when we finally let ourselves hope, when there are finally signs that this month really could be it, man, the fall when the period comes is just the worst. Makes you never want to hope ever, ever, ever again. Because it just feels like such a cruel cycle. And it is. I'm so sorry.

    I'm praying that some day soon, all of this sadness will be long forgotten and that you'll be the mom you've always been made to be.

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  20. I remember those days like they were yesterday. I had many. It's okay to have days like that. Don't beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do. You know you've got my prayers coming your way!

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  21. Praying for you :) It's always so hard, especially when you take that glimmer of hope and run with it. I do it all the time still, four years into TTC. But I think you almost need those moments of hope- I know I do. And as for the not running, don't have regrets. I think living with IF, you recognize how precious this gift of a life is and we are just prone to take extra good care of it. If you ask me, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you don't live in a bubble for weeks on end :)

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  22. I'm so sorry, Rebecca =( My heart sank as soon as I saw the title of your post. I'm sorry you have to go through this, still. Again. It's so hard. And yes, looking back at the more innocent former self...I get that. It feels like another world, another lifetime.

    I pray you feel God's peace today! Sending you prayers for comfort. xoxo

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  23. This is such a crummy, hard place to be. You are handling it with great Faith and Love. Many prayers!

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  25. I have song to share with you. I heard it on the radio like three times yesterday and everytime I thought of you.

    Overcomer- Mandisa

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=z29olPjFbqg

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  26. Dear Rebecca, we share so many things....as you know, September marks 3 years for us both. You are in my prayers, dear friend. I share your struggle.

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  27. I'm sorry, Rebecca. I got so busy this week that I am just now reading this. Continued prayers for you guys.

    Don't worry about the running....go do your long run this weekend and you'll be fine. Maybe you'll be blessed to lose yourself in the beauty of the world around you while you run...that has helped me grieve many a time.

    Three years is a long time. I can't imagine the pain you have endured. I will of course, continue to pray for you.

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  28. I always heard when i was young I was living some of the best years of my life, but what I think it all meant was living a life of dreams and feeling of being able to take on the world when I was ready. Oh the innocence! I quickly realized that God had a different plan for me and the big family I always wanted. Sometimes we can't control the plan but only try to understand the journey we were meant to take. God Bless!

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  29. I'm so sorry. Hope is a beautiful but sometimes brutal thing. Praying for you right this minute and always. (((Hugs)))

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  30. I will never stop praying for you, my beautiful friend.

    ((HUG))

    (Fast hasn't quite started..)

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