So much is swirling around in my head and in my heart right now.
AF sent me on another roller coaster this month (don't worry, she's definitely here, no BFP announcement to see here). I was convinced she'd arrived on Sunday, even told 2 friends I was texting with she had. But then, she seemingly went away. And Monday, the same.
Today, potential P+17. Again.
Never before, and now 2 out of 4 months?
I did not test this time. I didn't get anyone else's hopes up. I've learned my lesson.
But, oh, why is there always a 'but'? But, I did stop living my life for the week. I've been exhausted for about a week and a half. I had no pre-AF spotting. I convinced myself I might be pregnant. I clung to that hope and rode it.
And I didn't run.
I'm so angry at myself. 2 months away from a marathon and I don't run for an entire week?
Yea, I really did convince myself. Sure, in moments of sanity I enjoyed a couple of drinks with Alison and at the game on Saturday, but in the early morning hours when I'd wake up to no sign of AF I didn't run. I let myself believe; I clung to my hope, the hope I wanted to be there.
I had plenty of reasons to be exhausted. Plenty of sane, reasonable reasons. But I let myself do it again - believe I was pregnant.
And, well. It's definitely not P+17 (Let's just pretend it's before midnight on Tuesday that I'm typing this, Ok? Thanks.) It's definitely CD1.
And I've got tears. Sad tears and angry tears all mixed up together.
It was our last cycle before reaching 3 years TTC, and so here we are. Sept. 22 will be the third anniversary of our first NFP "rule breaking." I know, I have the draft blog post saved to prove it.
I've reread the words I wrote and I can barely remember that girl. So innocent. So full of hope. So nervous she'd get pregnant on the first try and hurt all of these wonderful IF bloggers she'd been reading and following. Oh, what she didn't know.
It seems like another life. Like something I watched in a movie long ago and can only vaguely remember.
Today's Responsorial Psalm was: I believe I shall see the good things of the Lord in the land of the living.
Three years ago, I would have found such hope, such beauty in those words. Today, I choked back tears. I fought cynicism and doubt.
I wish I could tell you I had some great revelation or insight. I don't. Not today.
All I feel is my brokenness; my barrenness; my emptiness.