I've reread my last post 3 times in the last 2 days.
If I was celebrating hope 10 days ago, I am clinging to it. Clinging to that feeling. But feeling it start to slip away.
It is P+11 and everything points to AF arriving, just in time to try and ruin the first football game of the year.
Those feelings of hope, of being alive, they are waning. Reality is setting in, this was our last cycle before marking 3 years of TTC.
And then, I'm minding my own business on FB (ha!) and I see that the lady from church (who I've written about before that I reached out to and never even acknowledged that her pregnancy could cause pain, in fact she complained about it to my face a couple of times) asked the parents of our first goddaughter to be her daughter's godparents. Ok, I realize that's a little confusing to follow. But she updates FB all the time - usually complaining about something related to motherhood (I know being a mom is not all sunshine and roses, but maybe, just maybe a cheerful post every now and then...) and tonight she posted about a play-date they all had together. Ahem, anyway...
At first I was all jealous that she had asked K & E to be godparents, I was all territorial and wondered why she couldn't get her own friends. And then, I realized what the real problem was. Because, as I've said before, while the post was the trigger, the emotions are about my pain.
Yep, on this day of clinging to hope instead of celebrating it, this FB post was a reminder of what I'm missing out on. Play dates and mommy-talk and fitting in and all of it.
I'm trying hard to pray for this lady. To be grateful for her sweet daughter. And to offer up this feeling of loss for her. I don't say that to be all "look how holy I am," please don't misunderstand. I say it because if I put it here, then at least I've done it once At least I'm trying. I'm going to fail way more than I'm going to succeed, but I will try.
As a friend said tonight, I'm great at "forgetting to Fiat", so this is my reminder to myself to say "Let it be" as I cling.