8.28.2013

Clinging

I've reread my last post 3 times in the last 2 days.

If I was celebrating hope 10 days ago, I am clinging to it. Clinging to that feeling. But feeling it start to slip away.

It is P+11 and everything points to AF arriving, just in time to try and ruin the first football game of the year.

Those feelings of hope, of being alive, they are waning. Reality is setting in, this was our last cycle before marking 3 years of TTC.

And then, I'm minding my own business on FB (ha!) and I see that the lady from church (who I've written about before that I reached out to and never even acknowledged that her pregnancy could cause pain, in fact she complained about it to my face a couple of times) asked the parents of our first goddaughter to be her daughter's godparents. Ok, I realize that's a little confusing to follow. But she updates FB all the time - usually complaining about something related to motherhood (I know being a mom is not all sunshine and roses, but maybe, just maybe a cheerful post every now and then...) and tonight she posted about a play-date they all had together.  Ahem, anyway...

At first I was all jealous that she had asked K & E to be godparents, I was all territorial and wondered why she couldn't get her own friends. And then, I realized what the real problem was. Because, as I've said before, while the post was the trigger, the emotions are about my pain.

Yep, on this day of clinging to hope instead of celebrating it, this FB post was a reminder of what I'm missing out on. Play dates and mommy-talk and fitting in and all of it.

I'm trying hard to pray for this lady. To be grateful for her sweet daughter. And to offer up this feeling of loss for her. I don't say that to be all "look how holy I am," please don't misunderstand. I say it because if I put it here, then at least I've done it once At least I'm trying. I'm going to fail way more than I'm going to succeed, but I will try.

As a friend said tonight, I'm great at "forgetting to Fiat", so this is my reminder to myself to say "Let it be" as I cling.

16 comments:

  1. (((((Rebecca)))))

    I understand the emotions but my Cross is different.

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  2. Praying for you, Rebecca. You have been so strong for me the last couple of weeks with a personal struggle and I appreciate you so much for that. I only wish I could be half as strong for you. I totally get the "territorial" feelings....I get them, too. I think it's so edifying for me to be your friend through this time because truth be told, if I had to bear the Cross of Infertility, I know I wouldn't do it nearly as well as you seem to have. And as alike as we seem to be in many ways, I MARVEL...yes seriously MARVEL at how you do it.

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    1. Ditto the marveling. Rebecca, you are an example of true faith and grace in the midst of sorrow. Thank you for always being so real.

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  3. I have nothing to say, really, but I am getting ready to head to Mass shortly, and know that I will be praying for you there.

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  4. Hi, from your post it seems that there is still a lot of pain about infertility. Maybe you are still in the grieving process but hopefully also for you will come at some point the acceptance phase (I'm telling from experience, just passed here the 4 years mark of TTC). About the facebook issue, you could use a very simple trick. Tag the lady as "acquaintance" so she will still be your facebook friend but you will stop receiving regular updates from her.

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  5. Minding your own business on FB... love it :)

    Always praying for you, friend.

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  6. The one good thing I can think of about FB is that while it does seem to trigger a lot of pain, most of the time those triggers happen in relative privacy (home, looking at the computer). In the past we might have heard such news in a face to face situation, which would be harder.

    I'm praying that no matter what, you are able to enjoy the first game of the season.

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  7. Praying for you...F.B can be tough...I actually unfriended a few ladies who have babies who brag, brag, brag but never once acknowledged any of my accomplishments or happy posts, etc...so I figured..are they my friends even on F.b? Nope..gone..dunzo...I've also hid a few friends who brag about their young daughters who are pg...if it bothers me..I hide it. Haaa..

    Clinging right with you too. IF is a tough cross at times...sometimes it's lighter and sometimes it downright heavy.

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  8. FB is tough, in so many ways. Praying for you!!

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  9. My heart hurts for you =( You know I'm not on FB because I just couldn't take it anymore...

    Sometimes all you can do is cling. I pray that Jesus holds you close! (And I hope for your sake that WV wins tomorrow!)

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  10. I totally understand how you feel. Right now, I'm having a really hard time not being envious of my 39 weeks pregnant younger sister, who was able to get pregnant as soon as she wanted to, while I've been TTC for over 5 years.

    Sometimes, I feel like I've reached an acceptance stage, and other times I wonder if I've just lost hope. I know God can give us a baby, I just don't think He will, and it hurts a lot. Why others, and not me?

    I guess I will try clinging with you, because even though I want to say Fiat with trust and hope and joy, right now it's like dry sand in my mouth, and I choke as I try to get it out.

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  11. Your honestly, candidness, and humility just wows me all the time, Rebecca. You make my heart feel so not alone when I swear, it feels like every other thing in this world is working to make me feel nothing but completely alone and completely a loser.

    Hugs and I love you. Fiat... Love... <3

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  12. (hugs). FB seems to require a new level "fiat" for modern women, doesn't it?

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  13. Oh the jealousy and left-out feelings....totally get those. Ugh. It is hard to be human sometimes when we fall so often! I agree with Sarah..Fb def. requires a new level of Fiat!! Praying for you, friend. Please keep clinging! Sounds like God is giving you the graces to pray for her-- even when it's so difficult!!

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