8.01.2013

But.

This time last year I was having chest pains almost daily and I knew they were related to stress and anxiety. I knew I was going on retreat in the middle of the month and I was desperate for something. I didn't even know what, I just knew I needed something.

The year that has followed, well, let's just say in so many ways my head and heart are still spinning. Still processing. Still wondering.

I see the beautiful story God has been weaving.

I see the healing.

I see how He is using me.

I am humbled.

I am honored.

I feel like He has given me so many answers to the questions I had.

I feel like He has answered my prayer for grace in ways beyond my wildest imagination.

But.

I am no less sad.

I feel no less left behind.

My heart doesn't hurt any less.

The 3 pregnancy announcements in the last week coupled with CD1 today still bring me to tears.

I wonder if I am being ungrateful. If I am taking the gifts He has given me and tossing them aside.

And, it is now August. Because Dr. D schedules so far out, it is now time to decide if we schedule surgery for November and get back on the TTC roller coaster or if we really are done.

There is so much more and there is nothing else.

24 comments:

  1. Praying for you! You are not throwing the gifts He has given you away by having an authentic emotion of sadness. A mother's heart longs for her children and you my dear Rebecca have a mother's heart. Sending (((hugs))) your way!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know how this can be. Growing spiritually doesn't make the grief of infertility any less real, or any less there. Like you said in one of your other posts, it is likely what God is using for your sanctification, so it's bound to be hard, even with the extra grace.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh no, not CD1 again =( =( big big bummer! ugh, and at the same time of pg announcements...my heart hurts for you, friend! The hurt is part of your gift to the world, offering your suffering up, or even just experiencing it. "the gift of tears" as St. Ignatius said. And sometimes it just HURTS! (especially on CD1) Offering many prayers for you today!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hugs and many prayers for peace and discernment what your next step should be.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have struggled with the question of am I being ungrateful for the things that He has done in my life if I am still hurting... So far the best I can come up with is no. If I am bitter, that may be ungrateful. But if there is still a wound in my life, acknowledging the pain of it (while being grateful for the good things) is only honest. Praying for you, my friend! That's a tough week!

    ReplyDelete
  6. What Kat said. You can be at peace and still be sorrowful.

    And I recently came across a "Murphy's Law of IF" and one was that someone will announce a pregnancy within a week of every BFN you get.

    Praying for peace and discernment for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Praying for you & your decisions ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You said it: "There is so much more, and there is nothing else." What a rough week! God be with you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am sorry! I wish I could make everything better!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Let go, let God. It's so easy to say, but even harder to follow.

    Continued prayers for you, my dear friend!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Echoing everyone who has said that grief and gratitude can co-exist. Praying for you as you discern these next steps.

    ReplyDelete
  12. For one thing, I just think you are so courageous. For another, as Kat said, when you feel an authentic emotion it does not mean you are casting God's gifts aside. He knows, R. He knows.

    Continued prayers for you and the Man.

    ReplyDelete
  13. We don't get to choose our crosses or our graces; neither do we get a detailed explanation for why God has chosen the burdens or delights that He bestows. So much of our culture, the world we live in on a daily basis, is focused on our choices and what we will do to get what we want, such that trying to accept what He has given us forces us against not only our own desires but much of what we hear on a daily basis. That certainly doesn't make it any easier!

    I think the decisions of what to do and when to stop treatment are some of the hardest; so many of us struggle with them on a regular basis. And having to make those decisions forces us to focus on the struggle and heartache, to consider that roller coaster. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  14. You are in my prayers. You have been a blessing to me for the past few months and I know you will continue to be no matter what happens.

    ReplyDelete
  15. We should meet Up! Been thinking of you lately!

    ReplyDelete
  16. But you're learning and growing... and asking the question about gratitude, well that shows a heart of gratitude to me, because you don't want to lose it. :) Praying for you, friend. For answers, healing, and miracles. Love you from the Valley.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Praying for you dear friend. There is no easy or "right" answer here. I'm keeping you and the Man in prayer.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Prayers as you discern what to do about TTC. Would knowing Dr. D's cancellation policy help? You could schedule something now and have more time to think and pray, and cancel it later?

    ReplyDelete
  19. This post hits me on the level of whether it means I love my earthly children less that I long so much for my heavenly child. Or whether it means I love my heavenly child less because I allow life to move forward on earth.

    You are one of the most gracious people I know. You know yourself so well and you establish your boundaries and abide by them. God knows your heart, your pain....and of course, your gratitude for the blessings you have.

    I continue to pray for you, dear friend. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  20. Today is the day I logged back into life and decided to catch up on the blog. And I read this post.

    Today is my own CD1. While I hurt immediately for the fact of what it meant is missing my from body, I keep reminding myself to thank God for what it means IS in my body - a working cycle, hormones that continue to serve and give me hope that maybe this new cycle can be the one, and that God has already showered me with blessings in proving doctors wrong.

    And yet, it hurts. The fear is still in me. The sadness and longing are not healed because of gratitude for other things.

    I am so sorry you have been feeling this and going through it. I pray for you and will continue to, Beautiful Friend. <3 Love and hugs to you, Rebecca. A*Sue

    ReplyDelete
  21. This is so hard Rebecca. Praying for you and your husband to have clarity about the surgery decision.

    ReplyDelete

Comment moderation is turned on so you may not see your comment show up right away.