6.20.2013

It is a Tough Thing

A run, especially one along the trail by myself, usually clears my mind in ways few other things do. Sometimes this results in turning off thoughts that are playing as if on a repeat loop. Sometimes in clarity over something I've been pondering. And other times, like Wednesday morning, in an emotion or thought that catches me completely off-guard.

I have been on such a "God-high" after the retreat 2 weeks ago. Really even before it. I knew it would eventually fade, but I was really feeling like maybe I was moving past the deep ache for motherhood. Feeling like I was really embracing God's plan for my life. Feeling like I was accepting that my marriage is one that must be fruitful in other ways. It took a lot to get to a point where I felt like we could take a break medically, and I felt such peace with that decision. I really felt like I'd turned the corner.

But as I got into the car after my run, I was surprised by the tears. And the thoughts and emotions that accompanied them. I couldn't help it. As glad I am to be using this infertility for good with things like the retreat, I wanted it to be gone. I want someone else to plan retreats and give hope. I want to be a mommy.

And just how far away this reality might be, is settling in. Without medication, my body is a mess. The good news is, it seems the brown bleeding is related to hormones. The bad news is, it seems the brown bleeding is related to hormones. The only way I will keep it at bay is with post-peak progesterone support, which for me means HCG injections. I am not ready to cut our "meds break" short, I know we need this, I know I need this, but realizing what this means for our chances of conceiving in the next 5 months is devastating. More devastating than I expected it to be.

I was caught off-guard by this onslaught of emotions. I feel horrible guilt for them, and yet I also understand that this grieving process is not linear, but rather a big hot mess. And exhausting. My brain likes linear. It likes order. I gave my fiat. I meant it then, I mean it now. And yet, I dare say to God "this isn't what I want."

This surrender, it is a tough thing.

15 comments:

  1. Surrender is, indeed, a hot mess, as are all the other emotions that go along with it. Wherever I am right now might be a little more even keel, but in no way does that mean that this is what I want. Praying for you, friend!

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  2. My dear Rebecca, what a beautiful soul yours is.

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  3. I pretty much tell God on a daily basis that this is not the plan I want but I will do it anyway. Surrender is so tough! Praying for you!

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  4. Yes. To all you wrote. Realizing how far away motherhood is, wanting to surrender while still asking God for something else, being surprised by tears and intense emotions--yes, yes, yes. And the grieving process is definitely a big hot mess. Hugs and prayers. :)

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  5. IF can bring on an onslaught of emotions at weird times...like you know you should be happy but IF is making that hard. I told the Lord today that I have so much to be thankful for...yet...my desire to parent...makes it hard to see the good.

    None of us know if motherhood is just a dream or it's closer than we think.

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  6. I feel like I last about a day when I have those moments that I'm all on board with just accepting things as is and not letting it get to me. Then I wake up the next morning aching for a little one... so I hear you loud and clear. It's so hard! Prayers :)

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  7. It is amazing how we can be surrendered and at peace with God's plan one moment, and the next moment experience such deep pain and sadness. I am right there with you. It takes guts to take a break, and inspires me in our impending break.

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  8. Please don't feel guilty for having emotions. Tears can be healing. Yes, grief stinks, but the way to "get over something" is to go through it, but you know all that. Can I offer you a tissue through the Internet? You feel what you feel. After all, God made you human. You are NOT a robot. Dear God, please give us comfort and strength because sometimes it's so hard and painful being human.

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  9. Even on my treatment break I'm still taking post-Peak HCG. It is considered a necessity around here since I cannot function like a human being without it.

    Please don't be so hard on yourself. IF is a roller coaster of emotions and the tears come when least expected.

    Praying for you!

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  10. Praying for you today!!!! Those tears can come out of nowhere. It's so hard when our bodies let us down :( praying for lots of peace

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  11. I'm so sorry that things are so hard! I totally understand how emotions can rocket around. You're right that it just isn't a linear process. I'm keeping you in my prayers.

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  12. That is a brave prayer, one I know God will honor. Prayers for blessings this week!!!

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  13. In the middle of a couple days of tears here. Prayers!

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  14. Somehow I missed this post, but want to say that all too often I feel like I've taken one step forward and then two steps back. It is exhausting. I hope this week is a refreshment to your heart, and you can feel God really loving on you!

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  15. I'm SO sorry. I just saw this post, and my heart is with you, breaks with you, grows with you. I know the tumbling of feelings, the swirl of chaos and hope and grief you know too well. I just want to say that while I have nothing inspirational or groundbreaking to impart, I want to say thank you for sharing your life and giving us candidly what you feel, and my heart and love are strongly with you. <3

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