Oh wow. Just, wow. I hope I can type as fast as my brain is working (so just accept this an apology for worse-than-normal grammar and rambling!)
So, I've been mulling a lot of things over in my head and heart these past few weeks and I've come close to writing about them, but the words wouldn't come and when they did, they weren't right.
Things with titles like this:
What if "God's perfect timing" is never?
If babies are blessings, what does it say about those of us who don't have babies? Are we not good enough for blessings? (Nice short title, huh?)
Making babies into idols.
If I hear "it's all part of God's plan" one more time I'll scream. A. Lot.
See, I told you it wasn't pretty.
I've found the phrases "God's perfect timing" and "it's all part of God's plan" to be ranking right up there with "just relax" and "just adopt" and "my sister's cousin's uncle's third cat twice removed's owner once had IF and did xyz, you should try it."
And yet, when I started to write about them, the venting that came out just wasn't right. It wasn't what I was getting at, it was something more.
And then, I read this: A ripple effect, maybe? by Ecce Fiat. (Seriously, if you haven't read it, go read it first. See my comment. Then come back. Really, go, I'll wait.)
Ok, welcome back.
I had been thinking too small. I had been only thinking of God's plan for me. And that's not it. God's plan is for all of us. I've asked myself over and over why was it that IF had to be a part of my story in order to bring me this close to God. Why did I have to be stubborn and "of the world" and be brought to my knees in such a way? And how in the world could I possibly glorify Him through it? How could I bring glory to God when I know that He can make this IF go away NOW if He wanted, and yet He doesn't. How can I not feel forsaken? Forgotten? Abandoned? I also fully believe in free will and that God is not playing puppet master with my life. He is not sitting in heaven doling out miracles and pain (as much as it may seem that way, I know it is not the case). Why yes, my hormones are relatively stable and we did take this month completely off, so while I'm post-peak, I am not 2WWing, why do you ask? (Just to remind myself that this is a "stable" time - ha!)
And then, as I was writing my comment about what I think (hope) might happen when we get to heaven it FINALLY hit me. God's plan is SO. MUCH. BIGGER. THAN. ME.
Oh my gosh. As I type it, I have chills. I'll say it again. God's plan is SO. MUCH. BIGGER. THAN. ME.
And finally, this resonates with me and lines up equally with what I believe about God and what happens when we suffer - that He, like any loving parent, suffers right along with us, His children. That the thousands of tears I have shed pale in comparison to the sorrow He feels over my pain. Over all of our pain.
That some day, after what I'm sure will be a record-breaking stint in purgatory, He will show me the ripple effect of our infertility. Of this blog. Of the times I've spoken and not know why I did. Of the times I've stayed silent and not know why I did. Of it all. He will show me that, despite my deep deep sadness and the empty barrenness of my womb, my life, my marriage did indeed bear fruit.
And friends, the best part? He will do it for each of us. This pain. This horrible, horrible pain matters. In every prayer we say for one another. Every time we give advice about this med or that med. Every. single. time. we say "you are not alone" our pain matters. Our marriages bear fruit. We breath new life into one another. I've often said "there's just something about this blogging community" and THIS is it. THIS is our glimpse, our tiny glimpse, of the ripple effect our suffering causes FOR GOOD! We may never know it in this life, but someday, we will know it.
While this doesn't answer the question "why me?" or "where will this road lead?" it gives me such hope that this pain truly is for a bigger purpose. A reminder that, shockingly - ha!, it's really not all about me.
And while I can't say knowing that my suffering is helping others in some way will make it easier or make CD1 any less painful in the coming months, I hope that by writing this it serves as a reminder to me when I forget. And I truly hope that the ripple effect continues and that one of you reading this has a glimpse of the good that is coming from all of our pain.
"God's perfect timing" just might be "never" in response to my desire for a baby, for motherhood. And that hurts worse than any other pain I've experienced in my life.
But, "God's perfect timing" for all of us, for the whole world is, well, perfect. And that is the promise I will cling to in the darkness of this valley of tears.
A ripple effect indeed.