5.16.2013

The Still Small Voice *Updated*

Update: I woke up to P+18. It is now CD1. AF just arrived. Sorry for taking you all on this roller coaster with me. Thank-you so much for all of the prayers and love. They were truly felt.

*Update at the bottom*

Original Post (5/15/2013, 11:00am)
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
(Need You Now, Plumb)
The facts:

It is P+17.

I've never seen P+17 before. Ever.

I tested this morning.

BFN.

AF has not arrived.

The cramping I had yesterday is gone.

The spotting has come and gone. Most recent trip to the bathroom: gone.

I am a little lot confused, so I called the FCPs at my doctor's office.

I'm waiting to hear back, but she thought they'd order blood work.

And then there is this:
There is a post, a draft sitting in my blogger dashboard all written for CD1. I wrote it on Sunday, figuring I would publish it Monday, or yesterday at the latest.

You see, last week, on Tuesday, I was driving in southern West Virginia for work. There is a reason this state is called "Almost Heaven West Virginia" and "West, by God, Virginia," and if you spend any time on her roads, you will see it. There are few times I truly see God than when I am traveling through this beautiful state, and Tuesday was one of those days. One of the days when I was overcome with just how clear it is to me God exists, and how awesome He is. I found that no matter what music I turned on (pop, country, Christian, instrumental) it was too loud, it was noise. So I turned it off, and I allowed myself to get lost in the beauty in front of me (while keeping an eye on the road of course!).

In the silence, surrounded by God, I began to reflect on our infertility and just what was to come next. Knowing that I had a UTI as a result of our peak day "date," I had little hope for this cycle. That meant it was time to make the next "plan." In my heart, I was feeling like we were done, but not really. We were done with medications to help us conceive, but not done TTC.

As I pondered what this might mean, I heard a quiet voice, you could say, a still, small voice in my left ear, as if someone were in the car with me, say "Trust Me."

I was immediately at peace and felt calmer than I have in months.

I decided I would let this "plan" set for a few days, sleep on it, and then discuss with The Man over the weekend. On Mother's Day morning, as I told him I was anticipating my period starting that day, I then shared my thoughts. I didn't tell him about the car ride or the peace I had felt. I just share "the plan." His response?:

"I was thinking the exact same thing."

And so we agreed. We weren't done TTC, but we did need at least a break from the meds and blood draws. We agreed that since everything else had been done in 6-month increments, so too would this. We would re-evaluate in October.

And yet, it is P+17 with a BFN and no sign of AF.

Trust Me.

I am trying.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
(Need You Now, Plumb)

*Update as of 6:30pm, 5/15/2013:
It is still P+17. During an afternoon Mass to celebrate our Bishop's 42nd Anniversary of his Priestly Ordination, I was sure AF was coming. It was all Diocesan staff and priests, I knew I had to hold it together. I went to the bathroom after and saw (TMI warning) black spotting in my underwear, and a bit when I wiped. I was sure it was AF. I went back to the bathroom 2 hours later and nothing. In between those times, my doctors office called back and wanted HCG and progesterone levels checked with blood work. They emailed me the order and I left a half-hour early to make sure I got to the lab before they closed. I made one more stop at a rest area n my way home just to be sure I wasn't being foolish. Nothing. So, my blood has been drawn and I'll get the results tomorrow. I've had a bit of brown spotting again, so I'm not getting my hopes up. I can't thank you all enough for the prayers, texts, messages, etc. I feel them and know that my sense of peace (despite my frantic bouncing back and forth between "OMG, I'm pregnant" and "there is NO WAY I'm pregnant" all day) is all due to your prayers, so again, thank-you! Be it done unto me according to Thy Word. 

34 comments:

  1. Praying for you asI sit here in tears.

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  2. praying for you so, so, SO much!!!!

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  3. Adding my prayers and sending you so much love!

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  4. Praying for peace for you no matter the results

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  5. Lots of prayers for you today my dear!

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  6. Good stuff. Listen to the little Voice. He knows what is best.

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  7. Oh Rebecca, I have been thinking about you so much the last few days, please know of my continued prayers. This is so eerily familiar to what happened my DH and us, complete with me writing the blog post and publishing it! We needed a break, we needed time to breath, we needed space. So we decided to stop the treatments and that was that. Well, that post was posted on 4/10/11. Unbelievably to me (still to this DAY), we got our BFP on 4/16/11 and you know the rest.

    http://joybeyondthecross.blogspot.com/2011/04/letting-him-into-tomb.html

    I hope, hope, hope, hope my Elizabeth has a new blogger "cousin" to meet in 9 months!

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  8. Ooo...I just got goosebumps reading your post. God is doing amazing things in you spiritually...that much is clear. I cannot wait to see what the next few days bring. I'm so hopeful and excited!

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  9. Many prayers for you, Rebecca. So many prayers

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  10. I prayed for you yesterday in Adoration, and I'm just going to keep on praying. He is Hope!

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  11. Oh goodness, praying for you so much right now! I'm trying not to get MY hopes up too much for you, lol. I actually read this on my lunch break, and then raced upstairs when I got home to check for any updates!

    Many prayers for you, and I'm sure God is doing some good work on this 17th day, whether or not it involves a baby.

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    1. Thanks Katie - it's updated with "non-news" now :).

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  12. Oh, the suspense is killing me. You seem to be handling it so much better. :) Praying!

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  13. Been thinking of you today, and since last night, sending lots of hope and prayers!

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  14. Waiting is always hard but as some will attest...completely worth it. Hoping for the best for you!

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  15. Praying praying praying for you.

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  16. Lots of prayers coming your way!!!!

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  17. Definitely teared up when you said you heard the voice! Wow, so powerful! I am hoping so hard and praying for you!! This was exactly me last October. Hang in there, friend...either you will have a plan for the next few months or you will get to make very amazing new plans for the next few months!! I hope it's the latter!!!!

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  18. Ahhh! I am on pins and needles with you! Praying for you so much Rebecca!

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  19. Sending you lots of hope, friend!

    (Hug)

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  20. Oh Rebecca! I'm just now reading this and I pray and hope that AF has stayed away....
    This post was absolutely beautiful! I too remember the numerous times where dh and I would have to step back and take a break from all the blood work, meds, etc...for us, if was refreshing and sort of a recharge because life can get exhausting while dancing the IF dance day in and day out.
    You are in my prayers almost daily and I was actually praying for you at daily Mass yesterday!
    Keep us updated and know that you have a lot of ladies praying for you!

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  21. Holding you in prayer! Faith, hope and trust no matter what today brings.

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  22. I've been praying for you with every free thought but have not wanted to bombard you. Praying so hard for a new ending to this month...

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  23. Commenting again, after your update. I'm so, so sorry. I was so, so, SO hoping that this would be the month for you! Holding you in prayer today =( Ugh, the rollercoaster stinks! Praying especially for peace for you, and to know Jesus' love today.

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  24. So very sorry. For what it's worth, I think it is beautiful that you were able to share your hope yesterday with all of us. I feel very pessimistic about my chances of suddenly conceiving a surprise baby, but I still have that niggling little hope each month. However, as a way of protecting myself, I never let on that I had any hope until after it's CD1. It's such a cruel cycle. God bless you on this journey.

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  26. I know all about getting on and off those rollarcoasters...

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  27. I'm a little late, so saw the update already, but thanks for sharing your hopes with us. Yes, ups and downs in life are a roller coaster, but they're all a part of the road, and it's been a blessing getting to walk the road with you. I'm so glad you're both on the same page, and praying that the next 6 months are very fruitful, but first and foremost for your marriage!

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  28. You, and this song, bring so much emotion to my heart.

    I love you, and I am thinking about you. Always. Prayers my sweet, sweet friend. <3

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  29. I'm sorry I wasn't there to pray for you like I should have been. You are SO STRONG. God has blessed you with hearing HIS voice. He is carrying you right now ... that one set of footprints are His.

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