What follows is the post I mentioned last week that was still in draft form. I started to revise it and take out some of the repetitive details, but I decided I wanted it to stand as written. The only detail that is in error is of course the line about CD1 starting "today." I had written this post on Mother's Day evening fully expecting to post it sometime on Monday when AF arrived. Well, we all know what happened to change that plan. However, The Man and I talked when CD1 finally did arrive on Thursday, and we are still in agreement and the peace I speak of is still there. And the gratitude, well, it only goes deeper now.
So, I know Adopt-a-Blogger that awesome Amy over at This Cross I Embrace has organized is meant to pray the blogger of the month over the last hurdle to motherhood and so I realize that what I'm about to say isn't exactly that, but for me, it is a huge example of the power of prayer and is proof that your prayers are working.
You see, way back last January (even before) when I had my surgery, The Man and I agreed we would take each next step one-step at a time. Neither one of us where sure about medications for lots of reasons, but we were open to what the doctors had to say. As each next step came, we agreed that we'd go with it for 6 months. With each step we were comfortable with the plan and the length of time for the plan.
Going in to this month of being the adopted blogger, I knew that if we were not to conceive, it would be time to re-evaluate again. And while I knew you were all praying for us to conceive, I just knew when I got a UTI as a result of our peak day "date," I wouldn't be getting a BFP this month. And so I started praying for clarity and for what was to be next to become clear, and for it to become clear before CD1 so that I knew it wasn't just an emotional response.
And so, as I was driving 2 1/2 hours south to teach NFP, I found that the music just seemed too loud - whatever station or playlist I had on. So, as I often do, I drove in silence. I marveled at the beauty of my state and wondered how people live here and don't believe in God. His presence is so clear to me, and Tuesday, it was even more so. And my thoughts drifted to our infertility and what was to come next. And it was as if God was in the car with me, whispering into my left ear, "Trust me."
And so I did, and I let my mind go blank (except for of course focusing on the road) and I listened. And I was a little surprised, but immediately at peace with what came. I chose not to say anything to The Man until I was sure, and I slept on it for a few days. When I told him my thoughts, he fully agreed and said he was already thinking the same thing.
So, it is CD1. The tell-tale spotting started yesterday - yep, Mother's Day - and AF fully arrived today.
And tomorrow, I will not be taking my letrozole.
We aren't taking a break, but we are.
What that means is this:
I am not going to take meds that are really for the purpose of conceiving, namely the letrozole (Femera) or the HCG post-peak.
I am going to take meds that improve my overall quality of health and life, namely the metformin and synthroid.
We are going to continue TTC "the old-fashioned way."
We will keep charting.
I will still keep following my gluten-free diet and we are going to look at slowly adapting to a more low-carb, low-dairy diet as well.
Since most of my medical plans were for 6 months at a time, we are going to follow this plan for 6 months.
I run my marathon in October, and if I run it, it will mean we have not conceived. It is just one more example of trying to live my life while hoping for something different. Afterwards we will re-evaluate again, knowing that the recommendation will be for a second surgery.
There is a piece of me that feels like a complete wuss, and had I not experienced the peace I felt in the car, and the calm I have felt since then combined with The Man's reaction, I would worry that I was "giving up." I had even just told my FCP that I wasn't "done yet" when we spoke last week. Now I realize this had more to do with a few misunderstood beliefs I had than where I really was emotionally.
First, I had to realize that it was OK and give myself permission to still feel the pain of infertility even if we weren't taking meds. You see, before this week, I felt like if I wasn't doing every. single. thing. my doctors recommended, then when CD1 arrived, I had no right to be sad or disappointed. (And please know, this was no reflection on anyone else's choices, purely my own.)
Second, I also had to realize that just because I wasn't taking meds, it didn't mean we weren't still trying. Yes, I realize it may affect our likelihood of conceiving, but that doesn't mean we aren't trying. Or that we aren't hoping. Or that CD1 will hurt any less.
I know that the ability to come to this decision and the clarity and peace I feel with it are all thanks to your prayers. I know the month is not over, and there is a piece of me that almost said to The Man "but we have to do meds just one more month because all my bloggy-friends are praying for us" but I realized that was dishonest. I knew that this peace and new "plan" was a direct result of your prayers, and to not honor where those prayers led me would be to dishonor the prayers themselves. I would be honored and humbled if you all would still continue to pray as we take our first steps of this next plan to grow our family.
Again, I know this isn't what you all were praying for specifically, but it was an unspoken intention of mine for clarity and peace about what comes next. I have that now, and to say I am grateful to you all is so inadequate, but it is all I have. Well, that and my prayers. Please know I am praying for each of you, and especially for the intentions you left on my post earlier this month. And again, from the bottom of my heart, thank-you for yours.