5.17.2013

It Just Hurts

Well this week was quite the whirlwind.

On Sunday morning when The Man and I talked about our new "plan," I had no idea what this week would bring. How could I? I mean, I'm the girl who barely sees P+14 most cycles, with the occasional tease of a P+16.

So many reasons to not hope:

We only used 1 day before and then peak day.
I got a UTI as a result of peak day, so I was put on antibiotics.
I only took one dose of HCG on P+3 (I had forgotten to reorder in the UTI craziness, and I just didn't care, because I was sure we wouldn't have conceived b/c of the UTI).
On Mother's Day, P+14, my usual spotting started.
On P+17 I had a BFN.

And yet:

The spotting stopped.
And the cramping started. And stopped.
And I woke up on P+17.
I had blood test.
And I went to bed on P+17.
And I woke up on P+18.

And that is when it really happened.

Yesterday morning, I really let myself go there mentally and emotionally and, well, see:

When I got dressed for work, I picked out a new dress so that when I came home and got to tell The Man I would look extra nice.
I realized it was a Thursday, the day my spiritual director is in our offices and planned to tell him by asking him to do the blessing for a child in the womb.
I planned to tell my boss by telling her that the jokes we made yesterday about her needing to keep January & February clear next year were a reality.
I planned to write my Dad a letter from the point of view of a grandbaby explaining why I would still be going to Cedar Point but I wouldn't be riding all of the rides.
I thought how we'd go visit my in-laws and tell them, since my MIL reads here occasionally and I wouldn't want her to find out about a new grandbaby on the blog.
I thought back over the past 2 1/2 years and I wished I'd been a bit more open about our infertility, that I'd not kept quite as quiet as I have.
I thought about how I would text and email friends before I posted anything.

Yes friends, I let myself go there. In my mind and heart, for a few hours this morning, I was pregnant.

And then, in the middle of a meeting, AF started and I felt my heart break into pieces like I've never felt. I got hot and felt light-headed and needed to get some water, if only to stand up and be able to take a deep breath without being obvious.

When I got back to my office, I emailed my boss to update her and ask for her prayers. I replied to a couple of texts and I updated here and in the FB group. And I fought back tears like I have never fought them back before.

I went to Mass at lunch, then to a lunch meeting with a group. I laughed and chatted, while all I really wanted to do was close the door to my office and cry.

Later in the afternoon, my spiritual director stopped in and asked how I was. And while I knew he was just being social, I couldn't help it. The events of the week tumbled out of my mouth and he listened. Kindly and patiently. And when I was finished, he gave me a hug, said he was sorry and that he would pray for The Man and me.

I made it all the way until I got in the car for my commute home and then I finally lost it. I think I cried the entire hour and 15 minute drive.

I finally told The Man about the events of this week. I thought I made it clear I wasn't pregnant, but apparently I didn't right away and for a split second he thought he was a daddy. The ONE thing I didn't want to happen this week, getting The Man's hopes up and having to disappoint him, and I couldn't even get that right. While it was only a brief second, I felt so bad.

I emailed this to a friend in the midst of my P+17 hope:

I have also found that hope, even when unrealized, is good for the soul. It brings life and light to fear and darkness. At least that is my experience. I've learned to let myself ride the hope wave (while being realistic) and to accept the crashing that comes with it - for even in the crash of waves there is beauty, sometimes it just hurts.

I am grateful for the hope I felt this week, but right now, it just hurts.

28 comments:

  1. I often think that being hopeful is the most hurtful part of this journey. Every cycle there's a possibility of all of it just magically working, then it doesn't. I've spent eight years on this roller coaster of emotions.

    I wish that I knew the words to comfort you.

    Continuing to pray for you!

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  2. Ohh Rebecca I am so sorry. You are in my prayers as always. I wish I could do something to make you feel better but I can't, but you have to know how many people love you and are praying for you.

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  3. It does hurt!! My heart is aching for you just reading this =( Oh, the letdown. It's indescribable. And just plain awful. I'm so sorry again. It's so hard when it happens at work too, just about the worst place to go through that roller-coaster of emotions. You sound like you have a really supportive staff though! I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish no one had to go through this. I'm sending LOTS of prayers your way today.

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  4. Oh my sweet friend, I am sorry. I so wanted this to be a different post!!!! Hugs and more prayers... love you.

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  5. it does hurt just.so.much. I'm sorry. Prayers for you and your DH.

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  6. Oh, Rebecca, honey. Praying many prayers for you.

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  7. I'm so sorry Rebecca. This is so unfair! My heart breaks for you. I'm praying for you and your DH.

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  8. OH, nooo.... :-( My heart breaks for you. Praying for you.

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  9. I am so sorry that you had to go through this roller coaster. It is just so much harder and more painful when you've had reasons to hope. I'm praying for you and your dh.

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  10. I hate this roller coaster we are on!!

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  11. I am so sorry! Praying for you. I just hope & pray that the wait isn't too long.

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  12. I think something we don't realize when one of these crazy cycles comes and goes is how much energy it zaps from us, even more than the average cycle! It makes me feel like a duck treading water. Trying to be nice and calm on the surface while exhausting myself emotionally and physically with this rollercoaster of a swim.
    What I'm meaning to say is just be kind to yourself, you are an amazing woman and the fact that still have hope is not only good and heaven sent but inspiring for the rest of us. I keep you in my prayers.

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  13. I'm so sorry! I know that wave of hope all too well, and that crash is so very painful. But you are so right that sometimes we need that hope :) I think those glimmers of hope are what can keep us going each and every cycle. Praying for you!

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  14. Oh Rebecca, that quote is beautiful. That is one of the best descriptions of what I would call "hope in the midst of disappointment". Thank you for that.

    I am sorry this wasn't the cycle. So sorry...still lots of prayers coming for you and The Man.

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  15. Oh boy, do I know what this is like! Those slightly-extra-long cycles are just awful. I get myself resigned to the idea that this cycle is going to end up fruitless like all the other ones. Then it goes 3, 4, 5 days longer than usual, and the hope that maybe *this time* will be different comes creeping in, no matter how hard I try to talk myself out of it. Makes the crash that much worse. I have to try so hard to not be angry and bitter.
    I will be keeping you in my prayers.

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  16. I am so sorry, Rebecca. :-(

    (((Hug)))

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  17. I'm so, so sorry, friend. That happened to me once too...p + 18 and then af. It was one of the hardest times of my ttc journey.

    I've been silent on the blogs but am thinking of you and offering up my current situation daily for you.

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  18. I was so hopeful for you too. I think any reasonable person being would have been hopeful. I hate that you had to go on this roller coaster. I am so sorry.

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  19. Oh, dear girl... I ache for you so much. I am sorry you are enduring this trial.. this suffering. Thank you for being real and raw and yet for clinging to hope in the midst of it all. I am begging God for a child for you!

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  20. Thank you for letting us share in this journey with you! I have been there before too, letting myself think thoughts of how a life may be growing inside, for a few fleeting moments. Soooo tough, but your heart is so beautiful in how you can see the beauty of hope, even when it leads to pain. Wow.

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  21. Thank you for letting us share in this journey with you! I have been there before too, letting myself think thoughts of how a life may be growing inside, for a few fleeting moments. Soooo tough, but your heart is so beautiful in how you can see the beauty of hope, even when it leads to pain. Wow.

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  22. Praying for you. I have been on this roller coaster many times, too. It is so incredibly painful when hope is shattered. I remember one day (about a year ago) I was still using STM to chart, and I had lovely post-peak temps for all of my LP. I was devastated when one morning, my temp plummeted and I just knew it was over. I had been so certain I was pregnant that cycle. I cried the entire way to work, and then had to fight back tears for most of the morning. My heart breaks for you. I'm praying for you! If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.

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  23. Been there, done that...too many times. Know the pain all too well. We just have to keep each other in our prayers that we just stay strong through those hopeful cycles.

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  24. I've never seen P+18 but I probably would have gone there like you did. I was so hopeful for you this cycle. When I read that AF had come, I just sat here staring at the computer saying, "No. No. No. No." I'm so sorry it wasn't your cycle. :( Lots of prayers coming your way.

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  25. I hate, hate, hate that IF causes such pain. Please know you are in my prayers.

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  26. My friend, I am so sorry that it hurts so bad sometimes. I hope this weekend has been better for you! Praying for you as always.

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  27. I've also been to P+18 & then a blood test ... then not even needing to know the results because AF arrives. Worst. Possible. Situation. Ever! And of course thinking and planning otherwise. I'm frustrated that you have to go through these emotions & this pain. I wish I could do more than just pray for you ... if there was a bargain I could strike with God, I'd do it. I mean it.
    Love, Prayers & Hugs

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  28. I am so so sorry. Oh, I felt pain with you as I read... and I know it was hard. I know how for a morning, you can feel so good and suddenly so sure that it finally happened - that suddenly, there you have your own miracle, and all the ways you are going to share that news... and then to lose it in a moment, and feel almost like a fool for having let yourself believe...

    I am so so so sorry, my friend. I am praying for you and loving you, and I hear in your words how you, at least for the day, felt like you had done it all wrong - but remember that wasn't it. That isn't it. Your love, your pain, your journey in your marriage and family... it hurts and feels all wrong for how you want it to be right now... but it is all right, all part of where you are going...

    Hugs, and prayers, and I love you so,
    Ashley Sue

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