It has been a long time since AF sent me on such a roller coaster of emotions, symptoms, and annoyance. It used to be every month I had BB for a few days, just enough to think it was normal, get my hopes up and have AF arrive. It was like being told "no" twice every month.
On Wednesday, my birthday, I went to the bathroom in the afternoon to discover the spotting that is my warning to get prepared because AF is coming within the next few hours.
I didn't update the FB group, because the spotting continued, but not quite like normal. Oh, and it was brown, that's not happened for a while. I didn't dare say anything, it could be real - or I could be crazy.
On Thursday, all signs of AF had left. I think I saw BB (spotting really) once. There go the hopes, tempered a bit and with paranoia of do I say something or not?
On Friday, yesterday, I was reminded why I didn't say something because the spotting came back and I was sure this was "it", even had a little bit of red in there, still all considered VL or spotting though. So, surely AF was on her way.
I even went to bed prepared because I didn't to ruin sheets at the retreat center I'm at and be very embarrassed at that.
I wake up. No AF.
That makes today P+16. I've never met P+17. I've never spent all day with P+16, she always has turned in to CD 1, surely today would be no different.
And yet, I hoped. Today is 15 years since The Man and my first date, we usually have wings and beer to celebrate (our first meal). I thought how cool to tell him while we are out celebrating tomorrow (I'm out of town working today), I'll even pretend like I'm ordering pop, I order beer these days, to reinact the entire first date (I wasn't 21 yet) and then I'll surprise him with the news (I ignored the detail that I refuse to test until P+19 because how cool would it be?!) I just couldn't help it, I hoped and planned and dreamed (I admit I was ignoring the obvious, but I did it.)
And that's what I get for hoping.
For ignoring the obvious.
AF is here. For real this time.
I got another warning of spotting.
P+16, maybe we can try again some day?
And of course it is on the day I'm running a weekend for engaged couples, when I get to talk all about the beauty of our sexuality and NFP. This has happened before. I'm sure it will happen again. Clearly there is a lesson to be learned, something to be gained from this, perhaps dying to self? Whatever it is, I've not learned it yet because this happens often.
Jelly Belly and I were cycle buddies one cycle. We were close this past cycle.
And now, we start anew together.
I'm waffling between anger - of the can't see straight, want to throw things variety - and defeat. One day next week, when I do not have to be "on" for work, I will feel these emotions. I will let it out. Polkadot, I'm offering it up for you!
For now, all I've got is: AF, you suck.