4.13.2013

AF - Take 3

It has been a long time since AF sent me on such a roller coaster of emotions, symptoms, and annoyance. It used to be every month I had BB for a few days, just enough to think it was normal, get my hopes up and have AF arrive. It was like being told "no" twice every month.

On Wednesday, my birthday, I went to the bathroom in the afternoon to discover the spotting that is my warning to get prepared because AF is coming within the next few hours.

I prepared.

No AF.

I didn't update the FB group, because the spotting continued, but not quite like normal. Oh, and it was brown, that's not happened for a while. I didn't dare say anything, it could be real - or I could be crazy.

On Thursday, all signs of AF had left. I think I saw BB (spotting really) once. There go the hopes, tempered a bit and with paranoia of do I say something or not?

On Friday, yesterday, I was reminded why I didn't say something because the spotting came back and I was sure this was "it", even had a little bit of red in there, still all considered VL or spotting though. So, surely AF was on her way.

I prepared.

No AF.

I even went to bed prepared because I didn't to ruin sheets at the retreat center I'm at and be very embarrassed at that.

I wake up. No AF.

That makes today P+16. I've never met P+17. I've never spent all day with P+16, she always has turned in to CD 1, surely today would be no different.

And yet, I hoped. Today is 15 years since The Man and my first date, we usually have wings and beer to celebrate (our first meal). I thought how cool to tell him while we are out celebrating tomorrow (I'm out of town working today), I'll even pretend like I'm ordering pop, I order beer these days, to reinact the entire first date (I wasn't 21 yet) and then I'll surprise him with the news (I ignored the detail that I refuse to test until P+19 because how cool would it be?!) I just couldn't help it, I hoped and planned and dreamed (I admit I was ignoring the obvious, but I did it.)

And that's what I get for hoping.

For ignoring the obvious.

AF is here. For real this time.

I got another warning of spotting.

I prepared.

AF arrived.

P+16, maybe we can try again some day?

And of course it is on the day I'm  running a weekend for engaged couples, when I get to talk all about the beauty of our sexuality and NFP. This has happened before. I'm sure it will happen again. Clearly there is a lesson to be learned, something to be gained from this, perhaps dying to self? Whatever it is, I've not learned it yet because this happens often.

Jelly Belly and I were cycle buddies one cycle. We were close this past cycle.

And now, we start anew together.

I'm waffling between anger - of the can't see straight, want to throw things variety - and defeat. One day next week, when I do not have to be "on" for work, I will feel these emotions. I will let it out. Polkadot, I'm offering it up for you!

For now, all I've got is: AF, you suck.

24 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, my friend. Praying for you, offering up my tears for you and for so many who are hurting right now.

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  2. Sometimes AF likes to play tricks with my mind too. It sucks...it just does. Praying for you!

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  3. My current project with my cycle is to convince myself that I'm not pregnant so that I'm not sad or disappointed when CD 1 arrives. Despite all my efforts, I cannot stop myself from wondering about every ache and twinge, and thinking "Perhaps, this month......"

    I'm so sorry that the news wasn't better, and that you have to go through this all over again.

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  4. Rebecca--I'm so very sorry. So sorry. It TOTALLY sucks. Those roller-coaster cycles wreak havoc on me, too, with all the hopes and plans and "what-if's" springing up like it's the first time and I haven't been consistently disappointed over and over again. (And like you, Sarah, I try to CONVINCE myself that I'm not hopeful but find myself "sneaking" it in large doses!) I hope you get your chance soon to have space for your emotions (and go ahead and throw something if you need to...). Praying for you to feel God's comfort in a special way amidst all the anger, defeat, and sadness.

    But also--happy belated birthday, and congrats on your first-date anniversary!

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  5. Hugs! Enjoy your beer tomorrow and know that I am holding you in prayer and looking forward to the day when P+19 means 4 weeks along/36 to go.

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  6. Oh Rebecca, I am so sorry. I know this is frustrating. We ALL get exactly what you feel. In fact, today is my 11 dpo. This cycle, for some reason, suddenly all my luteal phase chart has looked absolutely bangin. Even though I knew better, I hoped. I thought, "hey, why not?" I felt like today, my temp would still be 97.9, rockin out, and that tomorrow it would, too, and my hopes would get higher. Instead, today, tank. 97.2 and I felt beat. Though I knew better this cycle, but I still feel disappointed. And I know AF is coming. Tonight or in the morning, she'll be here. And still yet, I continue to hope it's an "implantation dip" and that tomorrow, my temp will be in the 98s, and I will be hysterical in knowing that somehow I finally am pregnant... even though I know. :/ This time, for today, I am not angry, but I have been, and another cycle, or maybe even tomorrow, will be again. And I am so sorry. I love you, and you are in my prayers, and one day, like I was today, reading your post and thinking you were about to announce you were pregnant... one day, I'll be reading your post, with my heart racing like it was today, and you WILL be announcing that you are... and until that day, I pray for strength and lessons in your journey FOR when they day DOES come. May God lift you, higher and higher than you ever knew he would pull you.

    *Hugs*

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  7. By the way... I know your birthday week here has been a bit deflated... but I pray that you get a surprise birthday yay, some unexpected celebration and love, very soon... and a year that will rock your socks off, Lady! Much love, many prayers, and happy wishes to you, dear friend~ <3

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  8. ... OK, pardon my ignorance (two and a half years in this journey myself, I feel like I should know this stuff, but I avoid abbreviations AND fertility forums, so...), but what does "bb", "vl" and "P+" mean? All I could guess is "bb" is "bigger boobs"? and the P+ is something like when I write "dpo" (days past ovulation)... but I just am not sure. Though context clues were enough for me to know frustration and pain, and exactly why. Love you, Rebecca.

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    1. Quick reply to answer your questions - more details later :) - BB - is brown bleeding (fun, huh), VL is very light (or creighton-speak for spotting) and P+ is peak day plus the # of days.

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  9. My heart hurts for you. Don't think for a minute that I've forgotten how rotten it feels. I remember every painful day like it was yesterday. It is so hard to see the Lord's plan for us in the midst of such a heavy cross. :( Hugs and love. Do something kind for yourself today.

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  10. Ugh, AF. Were we on the same roller coaster this cycle or what? Praying for you! AF sucks :(

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  11. It's a comfort that I'm not alone. At least we have one another, if it wasn't for you (and so many bloggy friends!) I would've been in the looney bin a LONG time ago!

    Hugs and prayers for you!

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  12. I'm so sorry that it was such a rough ride this week and this cycle. I was wondering why I was having a harder day than normal with stuff (because I can no longer blame PMS), but then I realized that there are a lot of people that I can offer it up for, so know that you are one of those people!

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  13. I am so sorry that this month was rough. It sounds like there are several of us who hit day 1 within a few days of one another. I know women living in close proximity can end up syncing up cycles, but through cyberspace?

    I hope you will be able to enjoy your wings and beer today.

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  14. P+16 is the worst. I've only made it there once or twice. The hope vs. pessimism (realism) rollercoaster is enough to drive you crazy. After three days of spotting, I would have been to the point of pulling my hair out.

    Thanks for your prayers. You're always in mine.

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  15. Man, even reading this I kept thinking, wait, was she...? Is this the weirdest pregnancy announcement ever?! If only :( Hope against hope, and on your birthday week, no less...pure torture. Praying for you and big hugs!

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    1. I even tried to write it so it wouldn't be confusing - sorry! Believe me, if there is ever a BFP announced here, it will be very clear :).

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  16. How miserable! I'm so sorry you didn't get an extra special birthday present this year :( those days toward the end of the cycle (or maybe not?!?) are sooooo emotionally draining! And that's extra tough to be "on" for ministry. I hope you get some good rest during your time off! And I for one am grateful for you on your birthday! !! Sending you a hug and lots of prayers

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  17. I am so sorry. I wish I had words to comfort you. Sending you prayers. I end up taking a test mostly on P+13 to get over it. I just can't handle the suspense of AF.

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    1. I take post-peak HCG, so I can't test before P+16...and I refuse to test before P+19 (or 18 high temperatures, whichever comes first. I hadn't been good about my temps this cycle - which contributed to my confusion). FCPs - especially you, E - just go with it, mkaythanks :).

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  18. I make it to p+16 (at least) every single cycle I am on post-peak supplementation. It sucks hardcore. Today is p+11 for me, but I won't test until p+19 because I literally can't imagine anything worse right now than a false positive.

    Prayers.

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  19. AF likes to kick you when you're down, as I like to say. Not only is it a "not pregnant" but you have to deal with everything that comes with it. It's so awesome that you are involved with teaching engaged couples, but that would definitely make things that much more heart-wrenching this cycle. Prayers!

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