3.31.2013

Emerging

Happy Easter friends!

I'm dipping my toes back into the water here. I'm not gonna lie, it's a little awkward and uncomfortable while refreshing and "just-what-I-need" all at the same time.

In some ways my Lent went exactly as I wanted, and in other ways it was a complete failure.

My prayer life is better, but not great. I still don't have an answer to my question about what I am supposed to do with our IF, how do I bring Him glory through this pain, yet I am not surprised by this. I failed at my TV part a few times, but really, for the most part, I watch much less TV these days and I'm hoping to keep it that way.

I proved to myself I could survive IF without blogging every minute and sharing it in the FB group. But I also realized I must write and process it, so I have a whole new folder of posts in my google drive. I won't promise they will ever see the light of day and I won't promise that they won't either. I've said before here that I've never been a journal-er and that this place is my journal. But writing just for me was a new experience. One I'm not sure I'm ready to share just yet. I discovered emotions I didn't know I had buried deep deep down on a lot of things.

I was challenged in ways I didn't expect to keep my Lenten Fast. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI's resignation, Pope Francis' election, the Supreme Court cases to name a few of the "hot topics." And while these "hot topics" were tough to stay silent about, it is the personal side of things that made it even harder. Finding out that Gregory (Michelle of Endless Strength's sweet 6th baby) had gone on to heaven before we were able to meet him. A godson that I never got to hold, spoil, or trace the sign of the cross on his forehead. He will have his own post, but he must be mentioned here. Finding out that my BFF, my running buddy, Sara, has breast cancer and will be having a mastectomy later this month. It was these two things that tested my resolve.

And related to IF, as we reach 2 1/2 years TTC this month and near the end of my "18 months" post-surgery, I am just now realizing how heart broken I am. I find myself struggling to live up to "Faith Makes Things Possible"'s quote on my sidebar: Don't let comparison steal your joy. For so long, I've just believed that this journey would end with a child or even, dare I say, children. And now, now I am facing the reality that it may not. And I am finding that facing this reality means letting go of dreams, of big dreams and small dreams, and I find myself clinging to these dreams, desperate to not lose them.

I find myself, 40 days later, with many of the same questions and some new ones, with a deeper awareness of what IF has meant for my life thus far, and with a renewed sense of balance that I want to maintain.

Oh, I also find myself registered to run my first Full Marathon in October! 26.2 miles around Washington, DC in the Marine Corps Marathon.

Practically speaking, I also find myself with a Reader (and WTH Go.ogle? Why is Reader going away?!?!) so full of your posts that I will never catch up fully - not if I am to maintain this balance. I will do my best, but please know I have been praying for you all every day and wondering what you are up to.

21 comments:

  1. I'm excited for you that you are doing a marathon in October. Craig and I decided to do one together in October, too, (here in KC).

    I've missed your blog, friend. There have been times I have just opened up my reader and stared at posts and known there was nothing I really wanted to read, wishin I had something from you.

    Lent has pounded me this year (as you know) and now I am finding out that I'm not the only one. Of course, I'm not...it never works that way. Prayers for your friend Sara. Prayers for you as you come out of your fast and of course for you and The Man as you continue to work through and figure out what your next steps are.

    I know I don't know what IF is like. But I kind of feel like now, that I have experienced something on the pain scale that could help me truly understand how to pray for you and your IF sisters. (I really hope that didn't sound wrong -- I didn't mean to equate the experience -- just the suffering -- I hope that didn't come off wrong)

    Anyway, Happy Easter, my friend, my sister.

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  2. I stopped blogging for Lent too and I've spent all day reading through 1000+ posts. One that stood out is a pro-life advocate in the UK who has started a new blog that encourages Catholic Women to sign up to the declaration below:

    I am a faithful practicing Roman Catholic woman, who attends Mass at least once a week and who believes in and practices the Church’s teachings, specifically pertaining to matters on sexuality, contraception, abortion, marriage and the ordination of women. I believe that the Roman Catholic Church is sympathetic to and representative of the needs and concerns of women and their children, wherever they may be in the world. I would like to offer our new Pope Francis, my prayers and support and thank him for his continued protection and support of mothers and their unborn children. I fully endorse Church doctrine in relation to women’s issues.

    I thought it might be something you and your readers might add their names to. It's at http://catholicwomenrising.wordpress.com

    Looking forward to reading your posts. The marathon sounds like a great challenge.

    Tonia

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  3. Missed you- glad you're back :) I've been praying for you. Happy Easter!

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  4. I missed you and your blog so much!

    Continued prayers, as always.

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  5. Happy Easter!
    Missed you and your blog, glad you are back but sorry much of the same questions challenge you.
    As always: hugs and prayers! Will also be praying for your friend.

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  6. Happy Easter and welcome back! I missed you.

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  7. I missed you too! I'm just praying the Lord will bring you peace and love in the Easter season. I hope to keep seeing your posts pop up; I've missed reading your reflections.

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  8. Happy Easter to you too...I just have to say..that I too have been counting how many months past surgery and still not the result I was hoping for. I guess I'm "healthier" in my female parts...which is good but I really wanted to be healthier with hopes of conceiving. *sigh* I guess there was an excitement that after this last surgery..it wouldn't take too long. How naive of me.

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  9. Happy Easter! I'm glad you're back to blogging too :) I'm so sorry, again, about Michelle's son / your godson. And about your friend with cancer. I pray for you daily!

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  10. Happy Easter and welcome back! Prayers for your godson and his family, and for your friend Sara too.

    I'm thinking about your struggle to let go of the dream of having children: perhaps this is a kind of death to self, to our expectations of what should be and who we should be. But with God's grace comes the resurrection and life eternal. It's scary, because we have no idea what that will look like or feel like, but in the end, trust in God is the only possible response in the face of death.

    May the resurrection of Christ help us all look forward to our own healing after infertility, and give us faith in the life God wants for us.

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  11. It was so nice to see this come up on my reader...Lord knows I've missed your posts! I know I'm always in for a good read when I click on over :) Maybe I'll get to cheer you on at that marathon...you never know ;)

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  12. I am very glad that you are "back" and I hope that this place will be exactly what you need it to be over these next months. :-)

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  13. You are back, you are back...time to stop stressing out about not getting my RR fix! :) Missed you lots, can't wait to read whatever you decide to publish here!!!

    On a serious note, praying for our friend Sara. Cancer - I hate it. St. Peregrine, pray for us!

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  14. Welcome back! I've missed you and wondered how things are going! Just to give you the highlights (to take care of a couple of posts in your reader): there was nothing to read on my blog. I mean, there are some posts, but I guarantee you're not missing anything to skip them. At least most of them anyway. And it is weird jumping back in. Due to limited screen time, my posts were more brief and generally more generic than usual... And now I'm out of the groove and not sure what to say. I will definitely be praying for your friend Sara, and of course have been praying for Michelle.

    But anyway, glad you're back and can't wait to hear whatever you do decide to share! :)

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  15. Happy you are back, Beautiful! You are a blessing to us all!

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  16. Welcome back, Rebecca! We missed you. I hope this community can continue to provide you the support you need just like you are doing for all of us! Happy Easter!

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  17. Happy Easter! Sounds like your time in Lent was very full, insightful, difficult, and wonderful. And congrats on signing up for the marathon--you're a beast! That's amazing! I would die!!

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  18. Hey ... I'm catching up too! :-) Hit the highlights & jump in where you are. It is what I'm trying to do.
    I am sorry to hear about your friend Sara's cancer & especially the loss of Gregory.

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