3.31.2013

Emerging

Happy Easter friends!

I'm dipping my toes back into the water here. I'm not gonna lie, it's a little awkward and uncomfortable while refreshing and "just-what-I-need" all at the same time.

In some ways my Lent went exactly as I wanted, and in other ways it was a complete failure.

My prayer life is better, but not great. I still don't have an answer to my question about what I am supposed to do with our IF, how do I bring Him glory through this pain, yet I am not surprised by this. I failed at my TV part a few times, but really, for the most part, I watch much less TV these days and I'm hoping to keep it that way.

I proved to myself I could survive IF without blogging every minute and sharing it in the FB group. But I also realized I must write and process it, so I have a whole new folder of posts in my google drive. I won't promise they will ever see the light of day and I won't promise that they won't either. I've said before here that I've never been a journal-er and that this place is my journal. But writing just for me was a new experience. One I'm not sure I'm ready to share just yet. I discovered emotions I didn't know I had buried deep deep down on a lot of things.

I was challenged in ways I didn't expect to keep my Lenten Fast. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI's resignation, Pope Francis' election, the Supreme Court cases to name a few of the "hot topics." And while these "hot topics" were tough to stay silent about, it is the personal side of things that made it even harder. Finding out that Gregory (Michelle of Endless Strength's sweet 6th baby) had gone on to heaven before we were able to meet him. A godson that I never got to hold, spoil, or trace the sign of the cross on his forehead. He will have his own post, but he must be mentioned here. Finding out that my BFF, my running buddy, Sara, has breast cancer and will be having a mastectomy later this month. It was these two things that tested my resolve.

And related to IF, as we reach 2 1/2 years TTC this month and near the end of my "18 months" post-surgery, I am just now realizing how heart broken I am. I find myself struggling to live up to "Faith Makes Things Possible"'s quote on my sidebar: Don't let comparison steal your joy. For so long, I've just believed that this journey would end with a child or even, dare I say, children. And now, now I am facing the reality that it may not. And I am finding that facing this reality means letting go of dreams, of big dreams and small dreams, and I find myself clinging to these dreams, desperate to not lose them.

I find myself, 40 days later, with many of the same questions and some new ones, with a deeper awareness of what IF has meant for my life thus far, and with a renewed sense of balance that I want to maintain.

Oh, I also find myself registered to run my first Full Marathon in October! 26.2 miles around Washington, DC in the Marine Corps Marathon.

Practically speaking, I also find myself with a Reader (and WTH Go.ogle? Why is Reader going away?!?!) so full of your posts that I will never catch up fully - not if I am to maintain this balance. I will do my best, but please know I have been praying for you all every day and wondering what you are up to.