The Most Recent Plan

I had my follow-up with Dr. D. on Thursday. I was very anxious leading up to the appointment, just not knowing what she might say, what could possibly be next, and because I was going by myself. The appointment was scheduled relatively quickly and because of that it was on a day when The Man had a student shadowing him and couldn't reschedule it. I know if I had asked him to he would have found a way, but honestly, we also need the money. With the payroll tax holiday expiring, our insurance premiums going up, The Man now eligible to contribute to a 401K, and having to contribute to a Health Savings Account to cover the deductible that we now have (hmmm, I seem to remember this phrase "those who have insurance will see no changes" ahem), it's just been a rough start to 2013 financially.

So, I was anxious going in.

But, before the appointment:
The not-so-good: the roads were horrible in the mountains! My black Jeep was white by the time I got there, I couldn't even see out my windows. I did make it safely, so I'll just focus on that.

The awesome: I got to meet Lillie!!!!! I took lunch to Ania and her DH and I got to hold sweet Lillie (I totally got the better end of this deal!) Oh, she's so cute!!! And Ania and Chris? Awesome parents!!!

And the appointment:
It went very well. Dr. D. made me feel much better when she said how pleased she was with my cycles and that the meds seemed to be at a good level. She explained that this is the goal, to find a good med combination and then let it work. So, we are to continue with the current protocol for 6 - 9 months. I really feel like I'm living my life in 6 - 9 month intervals. She also took cultures again to check to see if the antibiotics took care of the infections that were present in the fall. Finally, I had a blood drawn to check my estradiol because I was peri-peak. Yep, as she was taking the cultures she said "your cervix is wide open with great mucus" when I told her we hadn't used any day yet b/c we wanted to make sure the test results were as accurate as possible she said "looks like you've got a date night ahead of you." As far as recommendations go, in addition to continuing with the current dosages for meds, P+7 blood draws, and cycle reviews she recommended that we repeat the se.men analysis just to confirm that everything is ok and a follicle maturation series (series of ultrasounds to watch how my follicle develops). If no BFP in 6 - 9 months, revisit the selective HSG and laprascopy.

After the appointment:
I was going to visit my friend C, but her son had strep :( poor kiddo. I don't generally get strep, but I do carry it and The Man gets it. He does not appreciate this, so I had to pass on the visit :(. I think The Man and I need to just plan a fun trip to Harrisburg. I was planning to meet up with Katie for an early dinner, but since my afternoon plans changed, I opted to head home in the daylight. Katie, I promise we'll have dinner my next trip east!

Arriving home:
I was apparently way more stressed than I thought I was because I walked in the door and absolutely laid into The Man. (My points were valid, he agrees, my method, not. ok. not. at. all. :( ). I was yelling and sobbing and I threw my phone. At our hard wood floors. It did not survive. After I finished yelling and collapsed onto the steps in a sobbing heap, and Kali (I love this dog) came over and put her head on my knees and just sent her doggy-love to me, and The Man apologized for those points that I had that were valid and I apologized for my methods, we finally discussed the options and what we are going to do moving forward. After the discussion we did indeed have our "date night," and so now we wait.

Our "Plan" (what's that we hear? God laughing? probably):
  • My surgery "expires" in June. That is 6 months from now, 18 months from the surgery date.
  • From now until June we are going to continue with the current medications and the cycle reviews (including P+7 blood draws).
  • We will not be repeating the se.men analysis. We are content with the first results, we understand results can vary because spe.rm are constantly being created, but we do not feel the need to revisit this.
  • We are "splitting the difference" on the follicle maturation series (FMS) and waiting until the end of 3 cycles. If no BFP by May, I'll be booking my room at the TCIE BB&U (Bed, Breakfast, and Ultrasound).
  • We will not spend the next 6 - 9 months "what if-ing" ourselves and worrying about what comes next. In June, if no BFP, and with the results of the FMS as more information, we will make the next set of decisions.
The Emotional Side of it all:
While the fight I started (I always start them) was not the best way of going about things, it did lead to a very fruitful, honest conversation about how we are both handling this whole IF journey. We have very different temperaments and personality types, so unsurprisingly, we are dealing with this very differently. We finally shared our whys (and not just our whats) and found out we are much more similar in the "big picture" than it appeared when focusing on the details. To say that lifted a huge weight off of our shoulders would be the understatement of the century.
We are both feeling a bit like we have done all we want to do medically, but reconciling that with the fact that we are not yet parents is a bit more challenging. Thus, the plan above. A more conservative approach than recommended but not stopping medical intervention all together. I know it seems like we jumped into medical intervention quickly, having surgery just a couple of months after my first NaPro appointment. However, if Dr. S's had not been retiring, we would have not had the surgery for 6 more months. So, while we started quickly, it was for a reason other than wanting to maximize all medical options. It was Dr. S's reputation as a surgeon that brought us to NaPro, we weren't willing to miss the opportunity for him to do my surgery.
I see how much some of you have gone through medically and I feel like such a wimp. I am being very careful to honestly ask if this is just my flight response kicking in or if it is what I truly feel is best. There will be much prayer over the next 6 months, for clarity, for courage, and, of course, for grace.


  1. oh wow. I just had to take a deep breath for you. This is all just.so.hard. I'm sorry. I really hate how IF can bring out the worst in us.

    this sounds like a good plan, though. We have seen quite a few pregnancies in couples that just keep trudging along.

    Let me know if I can anything besides pray for you. :)

  2. Well, if you're anything like me (tee-hee :) ) a plan is always a more settling thing than no plan at all. I'm sorry you and The Man got i a fight, and for the record...I always start them, too, it's kind of annoying... but if it ultimately helped you both to understand the ways you are dealing with your IF, then it had a positive outcome and that's good.

    Prayers, my friend!

    Can't wait to see you in (gasp) 4=5 weeks!!!! yaya!

    1. I first misread Michelle's comment as saying that she was sorry that "you, and The Man, and I got in a fight" and I thought "wow, and I thought that *I* am inclined to be over-involved!" ;-)

      Anyway, here's to plans, and surviving financially, despite health insurance costs rising dramatically (compared to a year ago, mine is not only up 12%, I have new, higher co-pays for prescriptions... everything other than the free pill, of course).

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Oops there is no "n" after the "i" in the word IN!!! my apologies! :)

      I am just sick about this increase in costs...it's hitting all of us and it's hitting us hard. I have a plan where I cover 100% of my expenses until I hit our family deductible of $4000....I am hitting that WAY fast with my little trip to the ER and having CT scan this past week. I guess it's good that my insurance is going to be covering everything sooner (they cover everything 100% after we hit our deductible) but I figured I wouldn't hit the deductible until the baby was born. Boy was I wrong!!!

  3. Praying for you! Haha, I love the nickname for TCIE B,B&U! I pray for you and the Man often during our family prayers that God continue to make your marriage fruitful and hopefully that will be in the form of a baby soon.

  4. Lillie LOVED meeting you and thanks again for lunch. Wish we had had more time I wanted to hear more about the retreat.

    Glad you have a plan and the FMS helped us quite a but. Praying its not necessary for you though!

  5. I am so glad you have a new plan! Those crazy fights are no fun, but it is definitely a blessing when they bring about good, enlightening conversations! I totally feel like a wimp too some days...you've been through more than me. It's never easy though! Continued prayers!!

  6. Sounds like you have a good plan in place! And hey, if you are a wimp medically, then so am I! Praying for you.

  7. This sounds like a great plan!!! I'll definitely be praying!!!! And oh IF...how it can bring out some not so nice aspects of ourselves! I specially remember too many times that I would get frustrated with my dh because he handled it so differently than me (ie:waaaaaaay less emotional! ;) ) but like you said, after talking it out afterwards it seemed we were more on the same page than I thought.

    Well missy, I really am praying for you and hoping that this plan renders something wonderful! I love that your doctor sounds hopeful and I hope that you keep up that hope and faith as well!

  8. Having a plan is such a comfort, and who cares if it's conservative if you're happy with it.

    Mr JB and I are also different temperaments, and his laidbackedness really bothers me and at other times it's a comfort. Sometimes we just have to let it out and our husbands are in the way.

    Continued prayers!!!

  9. Some of my best conversations with my husband begin with a I fight I accidentally started. I hope and pray that your way forward will be peaceful and fruitful in every way.

  10. I'm glad you have a plan that sounds like it's the right fit for you two right now. I'm sorry it was such a rough day, but not sorry that it turned out to be so good to have things discussed.

  11. Sorry your phone did not survive the fight but am glad that it provided some clarity and unity for you both.
    Continued hugs and prayers! Looking forward to introducing you to Caitlin next time life brings you this way.

  12. Oh, friend... thank you for being real and true and vulnerable. I'm sorry this road is so hard. I'm glad you have a plan. I pray for you over here in our little valley for God to speak peace into the struggle as you wait on Him.

  13. I have also melted down after appts regarding IF. Sometimes I would leave feeling so excited and by the time I got home...I would be down. Having that last surgery put me and my dh in a strange place. We had accepted our lives and were happy with it...then I have surgery and the game changes. It's okay and we are playing along. It's been five months and I guess I'm healthier in hormones...but still no baby. It's tough to wait and to go through the TWW again and again. IT's draining...there's hope and then a let down. After so many years, I no longer cry or get mad I just say..."Okay Lord, not time yet" and I move on to the next cycle. IF is a hard journey..when to quit, keep going, accept, move on or try something new. One month at a time. That is all you can do...one month at a time. Praying for you!

  14. Must be the weekend for picking fights. A couple different times today, ugh....but I agree, they usually lead to productive conversations and we did have one of our most productive this evening. But I am sorry it got to that point in the first place for you guys.

    I like your plan and like JB said - who cares if it is conservative as long as YOU and C are happy with it! I am continuing to pray for you guys. I ask St. Anne every night to intercede for you!

  15. I'm another one who always starts the fights... Then again, if you asked my husband, he doesn't fight (talk about maddening!). I hope that having a plan continues to be a comfort. Continued prayers!

  16. First of all ... I love the BB&U! :-) And am so excited for you to have met Lillie! <3
    Oh, I've so been there with DH and fighting over what to do. Ugh. It is terrible. But ... I do have to say, by the end, it brings us closer and more united.
    If you have great CM, I will be praying hard for these next 2 weeks ... and also for the next 6 months! You are not far from my thoughts & prayers!

  17. I think it sounds like a great plan! You're not obligated to do every last test or intervention, just what you're both at peace with. IF is just so stressful, isn't it? I'll pray very much for peace for you and the man these next 6 months and that God takes you even deeper in your marriage despite (or because of?) such a heavy cross you carry! Thanks for being so honest -you inspire me!

  18. Yes, you'd better have dinner with me next time, or else we can't be friends ;)

    I'm glad you have a plan, and that you and your husband had such a good discussion. Praying for you, as always.

  19. I always start the fights, too. :) But I feel that we have learned a lot through them and they have gotten more "mature" as we have gone along, so even though I am selfish God can work something out anyway. Your fight sounds like it was "fruitful" and that at least is a good thing. (beauty from ashes!) I will pray for all your plans and decisions...that is a lot to consider, but it sounds like a good plan. There is *nothing* wrong with deciding to draw a line for where you feel called to take things medically. I also think it's good to plan not to think beyond the next step, since in my experience, all that does is make me worry and fret. I am praying!

  20. Why is it we seem to have the best conversations after bad arguements? I'm glad you both were able to get what you needed to out in the open.

    Praying for you, my friend!

  21. Plans are helpful, aren't they?! I'm just praying for you, and hoping that St. Michael the Archangel will defend you and The Man from the devil's workings--it seems like Satan really didn't want you to go on a date!

    I'll be praying for you, dear, and hoping for peace in the time you wait.

  22. I'll be praying for you, as I learn to pray more, and better, for us all. I am truly happy you have some feeling of hope and peace in the process directly ahead, and a doctor team you feel trust in.

    And I am so truly happy you and The Man are having honest and open dialogue off of the shattered phone incident. I know what it is like... the stress you don't even realize you are carrying every. given. moment. Then, BAM, you pick a fight - which is SOOO NOT like me at all - sometimes based on valid points, but suddenly my ability to go about it the right way at all is a huge disaster. It's like, all the tears and fears and anger inside of me that I thought weren't there or weren't affecting me that badly suddenly cannot be contained, and it starts with nothing and then I'm sobbing like a freak.

    Hugs and love to you, my friend, and prayers for you much peace, clarity, guidance, and a baby in your arms when this all comes together.