So, I was anxious going in.
But, before the appointment:
The not-so-good: the roads were horrible in the mountains! My black Jeep was white by the time I got there, I couldn't even see out my windows. I did make it safely, so I'll just focus on that.
The awesome: I got to meet Lillie!!!!! I took lunch to Ania and her DH and I got to hold sweet Lillie (I totally got the better end of this deal!) Oh, she's so cute!!! And Ania and Chris? Awesome parents!!!
And the appointment:
It went very well. Dr. D. made me feel much better when she said how pleased she was with my cycles and that the meds seemed to be at a good level. She explained that this is the goal, to find a good med combination and then let it work. So, we are to continue with the current protocol for 6 - 9 months. I really feel like I'm living my life in 6 - 9 month intervals. She also took cultures again to check to see if the antibiotics took care of the infections that were present in the fall. Finally, I had a blood drawn to check my estradiol because I was peri-peak. Yep, as she was taking the cultures she said "your cervix is wide open with great mucus" when I told her we hadn't used any day yet b/c we wanted to make sure the test results were as accurate as possible she said "looks like you've got a date night ahead of you." As far as recommendations go, in addition to continuing with the current dosages for meds, P+7 blood draws, and cycle reviews she recommended that we repeat the se.men analysis just to confirm that everything is ok and a follicle maturation series (series of ultrasounds to watch how my follicle develops). If no BFP in 6 - 9 months, revisit the selective HSG and laprascopy.
After the appointment:
I was going to visit my friend C, but her son had strep :( poor kiddo. I don't generally get strep, but I do carry it and The Man gets it. He does not appreciate this, so I had to pass on the visit :(. I think The Man and I need to just plan a fun trip to Harrisburg. I was planning to meet up with Katie for an early dinner, but since my afternoon plans changed, I opted to head home in the daylight. Katie, I promise we'll have dinner my next trip east!
I was apparently way more stressed than I thought I was because I walked in the door and absolutely laid into The Man. (My points were valid, he agrees, my method, not. ok. not. at. all. :( ). I was yelling and sobbing and I threw my phone. At our hard wood floors. It did not survive. After I finished yelling and collapsed onto the steps in a sobbing heap, and Kali (I love this dog) came over and put her head on my knees and just sent her doggy-love to me, and The Man apologized for those points that I had that were valid and I apologized for my methods, we finally discussed the options and what we are going to do moving forward. After the discussion we did indeed have our "date night," and so now we wait.
Our "Plan" (what's that we hear? God laughing? probably):
- My surgery "expires" in June. That is 6 months from now, 18 months from the surgery date.
- From now until June we are going to continue with the current medications and the cycle reviews (including P+7 blood draws).
- We will not be repeating the se.men analysis. We are content with the first results, we understand results can vary because spe.rm are constantly being created, but we do not feel the need to revisit this.
- We are "splitting the difference" on the follicle maturation series (FMS) and waiting until the end of 3 cycles. If no BFP by May, I'll be booking my room at the TCIE BB&U (Bed, Breakfast, and Ultrasound).
- We will not spend the next 6 - 9 months "what if-ing" ourselves and worrying about what comes next. In June, if no BFP, and with the results of the FMS as more information, we will make the next set of decisions.
While the fight I started (I always start them) was not the best way of going about things, it did lead to a very fruitful, honest conversation about how we are both handling this whole IF journey. We have very different temperaments and personality types, so unsurprisingly, we are dealing with this very differently. We finally shared our whys (and not just our whats) and found out we are much more similar in the "big picture" than it appeared when focusing on the details. To say that lifted a huge weight off of our shoulders would be the understatement of the century.
We are both feeling a bit like we have done all we want to do medically, but reconciling that with the fact that we are not yet parents is a bit more challenging. Thus, the plan above. A more conservative approach than recommended but not stopping medical intervention all together. I know it seems like we jumped into medical intervention quickly, having surgery just a couple of months after my first NaPro appointment. However, if Dr. S's had not been retiring, we would have not had the surgery for 6 more months. So, while we started quickly, it was for a reason other than wanting to maximize all medical options. It was Dr. S's reputation as a surgeon that brought us to NaPro, we weren't willing to miss the opportunity for him to do my surgery.
I see how much some of you have gone through medically and I feel like such a wimp. I am being very careful to honestly ask if this is just my flight response kicking in or if it is what I truly feel is best. There will be much prayer over the next 6 months, for clarity, for courage, and, of course, for grace.