1.17.2013

One Year

One year ago today I had my surgery.

Stage 2 endo was removed. My blocked tubes were opened. Hope was restored.

(And, that means one year ago tomorrow I met Amy, Ania, Pokadot, and E in person for the first time and The Man got to witness first hand just how awesome this community is.)

Today I am feeling a bit numb. There was always a piece of me that knew there still might not be a little one here, but that piece of me was kept pretty quiet. Sure, as time passed, it seemed to become more and more of a reality. As test results came back positive, I started to realize just how long this road could be. What I keep coming back to is 12 - 18 months. That's how long my tubes are "guaranteed" to be open. Month 13 begins today. I feel like the clock is ticking just a bit louder each day.

I see Dr. D again on the 24th, one week from today. I have no idea what she is going to recommend, say, do. My brain wants to go down the list of all of the potential next steps, scour all of the blogs to see what came next after the one year mark - and yet I also realize most people don't make it to the one year mark without conceiving.

Just one month ago today I declared that I did indeed trust my doctor and began my practice of surrendering. Having no idea what might come next is helping me to do this. I am fighting every urge to research every possibility, to allow myself to get lost in all of the details and not feel the emotions that are just waiting to spill over. I know I must surrender to this, I know it deep down inside me that  part of what I must learn is to let go, to truly say "be it done unto me according to Thy word."

(PS Here is the most recent information on Lillie if you are looking for it.)

15 comments:

  1. Praying for you today, Rebecca! That can't be a fun anniversary to arrive at =( I hope your dr. appointment goes really well next week and that you get some good direction for possible next steps.

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  2. Oh, dear, it just feels like you are on the verge of tears. I'm just here to say that it's ok to let them spill over.

    Remember when God had promised Abram that he would have a son? And then year after year, for 15 years, he still did not have a son! What heartbreak. But the Lord calls us to look up, to redirect our focus to Him.

    "Abram continued, 'See, you have given me no offspring, and so one of my servants will be my heir.' ...He took him outside and said: "Look up at the sky and count the stars if you can. Just so,' he added, 'shall your descendants be.' Abram put his faith in the Lord, who credited it to him as an act of righteousness."

    I don't mean that we ought to think the Lord will literally make our own descendants as numerous as the stars, like he did for Abram. But the idea is that Abram was downcast, and Lord asked him to look up. And so, if we can do the same, the spiritual fruits of that act of righteousness will number the stars.

    I know it probably seems easy for me to say, from where I stand, but just know that I pray for you, and the Lord sees you. Look to Him.

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  3. I remember thinking the same thing after my surgery something like "ok God you have one year". I know I am pushy with God aren't I! In may it will be 2 years since my surgery and no baby in our arms, so you are not alone. Praying for you Rebecca and sending hugs your way today!

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  4. Praying, Rebecca. These "anniversary dates" are difficult, but God I know plans to show His glory and incomprehensible love for you through it all.

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  5. I agree, hugs and prayers! If you can, go out and have a fun date...see a movie, bumpercars, arcade, dancing, ice skating, anything to take your mind off of it and make a beautiful memory with your husband. I know running from emotions is not always the right answer but days like this you just need to be loved. You are not alone.



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  6. Hugs and prayers tomorrow and always! Hope your appointment bring ideas and a direction for you both.

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  7. Prayers for you Rebecca :( to say this is not a great anniversary would be an understatement. I hope God is giving you that peace lately to deal with today and all the uncertainty that comes with it.

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  8. I had 3 surgeries at PPVI but I will never forget the one year anniversary of the big surgery. Such a tough day. I pray that one day this journey will make perfect sense to you and your husband. Taking it one day at a time is all I can recommend and know that we as a community are lifting you up in prayer.

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  9. There is no time in God's eyes and plans...I keep reminding myself of that. God doesn't go by age or other things...it's all in His plans. Unfortunately us humans are trained to live by time so it's hard to let it all go. Praying for you.

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  10. I remember my own anniversary all too well and I wish I knew something to say that was both wise and comforting.

    Continued prayers!

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  11. Your journey is not over ... your doctor (and God!) have not given up! Anniversaries are so hard, especially when they are IF related and there is no baby in your womb. It will soon be 2.5 years since my big surgery. I remember the disappointment at our 1 year surgery anniversary. It hurts.
    Know that you are being lifted up in prayer by me and the rest of the blogging community! We are sure pleading with God to make this your last disappointment. I don't know that it makes it more bearable, but prayers are coming your way today.

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  12. I wish this was an anniversary you never had to have! It is SO tough to have those days and tell yourself to keep moving forward! I am praying for you and I hope you will keep on surrendering, because God could be waiting to surprise you with your miracle right around the corner! Hugs to you!!

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  13. Prayers for you. I like what "All in His Perfect Timing" said about your journey not being over and your doctor and God not giving up.

    I, too, wish I had advice or something wise to share with you, but I don't. I just pray that the Holy Spirit will bring you the comfort that you need during this sad time.

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  14. Praying for you. I wish I had some new or awesome insight, or some guarantee that I could offer, but I don't. So praying for you is what I'm going to do.

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