One year ago today I had my surgery.
Stage 2 endo was removed. My blocked tubes were opened. Hope was restored.
(And, that means one year ago tomorrow I met Amy, Ania, Pokadot, and E in person for the first time and The Man got to witness first hand just how awesome this community is.)
Today I am feeling a bit numb. There was always a piece of me that knew there still might not be a little one here, but that piece of me was kept pretty quiet. Sure, as time passed, it seemed to become more and more of a reality. As test results came back positive, I started to realize just how long this road could be. What I keep coming back to is 12 - 18 months. That's how long my tubes are "guaranteed" to be open. Month 13 begins today. I feel like the clock is ticking just a bit louder each day.
I see Dr. D again on the 24th, one week from today. I have no idea what she is going to recommend, say, do. My brain wants to go down the list of all of the potential next steps, scour all of the blogs to see what came next after the one year mark - and yet I also realize most people don't make it to the one year mark without conceiving.
Just one month ago today I declared that I did indeed trust my doctor and began my practice of surrendering. Having no idea what might come next is helping me to do this. I am fighting every urge to research every possibility, to allow myself to get lost in all of the details and not feel the emotions that are just waiting to spill over. I know I must surrender to this, I know it deep down inside me that part of what I must learn is to let go, to truly say "be it done unto me according to Thy word."
(PS Here is the most recent information on Lillie if you are looking for it.)