1.08.2013

Missing Them

Is it too late to say Happy New Year? Since this is my first post of 2013, I'm gonna say it's not too late 'round here, so Happy New Year!

I've had a bit of writer's block and a lot of busy to start the New Year, but something January posted today got me thinking about an experience from last night that I noted at the time, but didn't have words for and would probably have forgotten about.

About a month ago, I shared Laura Bush's comments on infertility.

And today, January posted about that same quote and the song "Call Me, Maybe." She highlighted the specific line of: Before you came into my life I missed you so bad, you should know that I missed you so, so bad.

While Mrs. Bush speaks on infertility and Carly Rae Jepsen sings about finding a husband, it has been noted many times in this blogosphere that the waiting experienced in both can be similar, without any idea of how long it will continue. It is true, there are no words to describe someone who is not there, so we are left with saying we "miss" the child or husband who is not yet in our lives.

When we look to our future, at any time, we all have dreams, hopes, plans, goals. It is our human nature to look forward to what may come. For most of you reading this, and myself, we dreamt of a husband and children. For a long time, those dreams are joyous look-forward-tos; plans for the future; sources of excitement. But then, something happens and time passes, and those dreams start to become reminders of what isn't and may never be, moments of missing the future planned.

So many times in our early marriage when The Man and I would sit down to have dinner, I would picture children and find joy in planning our future. I would smile at the thought of crumbs on the table or a child playing nearby who had finished quickly and been excused from the table.

But last night, as we sat down to dinner, I glanced around and I missed those children. I looked right at the spot where I could picture one playing (a bit too close to the dog's tail), and I looked to the table where I could see the crumbs and chubby fingers full of crackers. It was as if I could see the life, the lives, the people, that I dreamt of, only instead of seeing it as a future and full of joy, I saw it as a shadow of what could be, and I missed it. It was a fleeting moment, a pause in a dinner conversation of laughter, teasing, and silliness; a moment that The Man, if he noticed a change on my face, he didn't say anything about it.

Yes, someone(s) I've never had, never met, I missed. Someone(s) I may never have, may never meet, I missed. I miss them.

16 comments:

  1. :( I do know what you're talking about, but only as an outsider looking in. Continuing to pray for you, my dear friend.

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  2. I know what you mean Rebecca.

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  3. Oh, how my heart aches for you. You are so much in my prayers.

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  4. I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes feel this way when I walk past the office in our house. When we purchased that house, I imagined it would end up being a baby's room within a year or two. This feeling also came around quite a bit during the holidays. When I imagined we'd have kids by now playing by the Christmas tree or making memories baking Christmas cookies. Doing these activities, I missed what I've never had.

    Hopefully, by God's grace, one day this will happen for both of us. Praying for you and your husband!

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    1. Not that I spent a lot of time "playing" by the Christmas tree!! LOL. Just realized how odd that may have seemed.

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  5. this post made me cry. because i feel tje same way. i miss having kids and being pregnant..

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    1. Oops! I was a little quick on the draw there. I miss them all the time, but only briefly here and there at the extent that you mention.

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  7. I see what you are saying but I can say I wouldn't let myself miss something I was not sure I'd ever have....meaning..I've never had a child and most likely won't have one...how could I miss something I'll never have. I think for my own psyche...I try not to think about it too much. It's God's will I have to accept and I don't think HE wants me to miss something that was never in His plans for me in the first place. Just my thoughts and btw most people say "I missed you before you were born" say that after the child has been born. Interesting.

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  8. I know what you mean and still do. I wish I could say I was graceful about accepting how life has played out (because God has been SO good to me, and most of the time I focus on that), but I still know what you mean. Praying your wait is coming to a close.

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    1. p.s. Not that your "missing" is a lack of gracefulness at all. I think it's totally a legitimate response to good, holy dreams of how you wanted life to look by now.

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    2. I agree, God has been so good. Sometimes it is hard to remember all the blessings when we want other things too. I think I go back and forth in being thankful to sad that I struggle with IF.

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  9. I so get this.

    Continued prayers for you!

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  10. Yep. Been there, felt that. Thanks for putting it into words.

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  11. Prayers headed your way. The missing is definitely real and makes a heavy heart.

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  12. I'm sitting on the floor at the airport crying reading this! I so get this and have struggled to find the words. Thank you for putting words to a feeling and experience that is so very real and yet so difficult to articulate.

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