I'm not sure where to start, or if I'm honest, where this will go. I do know it is one of those time where I just have to let it out.

Today marks four years of blogging for me, and I've learned sometimes I just have to write down what comes out.

It is also CD2.

Yep, there will be no positive pregnancy test wrapped up to give The Man as an early gift. There will be no fun gifts letting our parents know they will be grandparents.

Last year I wrote about how angry I was, and while there is still some anger, mostly it is just extreme sadness this year. Christmas was the first holiday to come around when we started TTC, it was the first time I planned how we'd tell our families and the first time I really felt the disappointment of not conceiving. Of course, I was disappointed during the first 2 cycles, but it was the cycle that ended in mid-December that somehow made me realize having a baby wasn't going to be easy for us. And it has surely proven to be anything but easy.

The Man is doing his best to get us both through this Advent and Christmas season. I think he suspects just how hard this is this year. He surprised me with our Christmas tree last weekend and we went to a concert on Sunday when he told me it was time to start creating our own traditions. I agreed, saying, we can't keep waiting for what might never happen. And then, when we got home, I proceeded to pick a fight and then sob myself to sleep before he came up to bed. In the middle of the night I had such bad cramps they woke me up - that never happens. And yesterday, just in time to put a dark cloud over the day my Dad and I had planned, AF showed up first thing in the morning with a vengeance.

If I'm honest, I could care less that Christmas is coming. Lovely, right? If it were truly up to me, I'd not put up a single decoration and I'd just sleep from Dec. 23 until at least New Year's. But it's not up to me, nor is Christmas about me. So, we are hosting Christmas Eve at our home and continuing to start our own traditions rather than waiting until children arrive.

In January we will have to start, once again, making some decisions about what the future will look like. When Dr. S. did my surgery last January, he told me that my tubes were only "guaranteed" to be open for 12 - 18 months. January is 12 months.

There is all of this, and there is my Nan and wondering just how long she will go until the next intestinal blockage and how severe it will be which will affect how much longer she will be with us. And there is my Dad who shared yesterday that his doctor said he could have as little as 2 years left because the melanoma will come back. He is cancer free today, but we don't know how long that will last. It could be 2 years, it could be 20, but we know it will come back. And The Man, who is working so hard his body is fighting back. He is dealing with some shoulder issues that could require him to take some time off work to let it rest and heal, and I see the strain that prospect places on him, even though he won't admit it.

The sadness and fear have settled over me in a way I've never known before. It is all so overwhelming and daunting. My prayers are despearte cries to God to hold me in His grace and begging Him to protect my marriage with the grace of our sacrament (our marriage is doing ok, but I know The Man is bearing the burden of having to give his 100% and most of mine too right now). I am doing my best to offer it up for you prayer buddy, but I feel like I'm failing miserably. So, if whoever is my prayer buddy is reading this, could you please also pray for the person I am praying for as well, I would be extremely grateful because I know what I am offering right now is pathetic.

All I Can Say
{David Crowder Band}
Lord, I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark is creeping in
Creeping up to swallow me
I think I'll stop, rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything.

Lord, did You see me crying?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember where You'd set it down.

And this is all I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now, right now
I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give, yeah, that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that that was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that that was You washing my feat.

And this is all
This is all that I can say right now
Oh, I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah that's my everything
This is all that I can say right now, right now
I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give, yeah, that's my everything
This is all that I can say right now,
Oh I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything...
yeah that's my everything...
yeah, that's my everything...


  1. This post breaks my heart. I am so incredibly sorry that you are feeling such sadness. You have been in my prayers so much recently.

  2. Praying for you so much! We will include you and the Man in a novena we are starting today. Many hugs to you during this difficult time.

  3. I am praying for you, have been praying for you, and will keep praying for you! I so sorry that it's so tough right now, but I'm glad you went ahead and wrote what you were feeling. We're praying anyway, but we'll keep praying for your specific intentions.

  4. I am soo terribly sorry you are feeling this right now. :( I think the holidays are good at bringing up intense emotions whether positive or negative. You have extra prayers coming your way right now! I pray God will hold you and protect you and bring you relief from this sadness.

  5. I'm so sorry, Rebecca.

    This holiday is filling me with dread and sadness, too. Even more than before. I really wish there were a way to sleep through it.

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I know there is nothing. Just know that I am keeping you and your husband in my thoughts.

  6. Rebecca, I am not your prayer buddy, and I don't know how I happened on your blog today, but know that I. am. praying. for. you. Don't give up, don't fight the pain, trust that He is with you, especially when it doesn't feel like it. He loves you so much Rebecca. You are not alone.

  7. Sending lots of extra prayers your way, Rebecca! I will pray particularly that you know Jesus' love for you at Christmas.

  8. I am so so so sorry. I remember all those pre AF fights, the dread of Christmas, the unknown future and just feeling down. It.is.so.hard.

    No advice here except to unite your sorrow to Mary's. She knows. She cares. She loves you. Just rest in her mantle of grace.

    Praying for you.

  9. Holding you in prayer and wishing I could take some of the pain with me. So glad your guy is taking good care of you.

  10. My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry the holidays are weighing so heavily on you, and that you are bearing so much that has little to do with IF directly, like your Nan and Dad's illnesses. This is Advent. We are waiting in the dark, together. Prayers that the light breaks through, soon.

  11. I am so sorry honey! I am expecting AF any minute now.. :( The sadness is so hard to deal with sometimes! The roller coaster of emotions each cycle sucks.

    There is a song that brings me comfort: "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. It always makes me cry, but also gives me comfort. I'm glad the Man is being so supportive! Hugs and prayers.

  12. Keep trusting and praying and writing and being honest. He will lead you through this sad time...you are in my prayers daily Rebecca.

  13. Praying for you and your family, Rebecca. Its a tough time of year anyway, without all of those additional things to deal with :( Keep praying and remember that you are not carrying this cross alone.

  14. Oh Rebecca. I remember. I remember like it was yesterday. My heart breaks for you. Please know you are in my prayers.

  15. Oh friend, I am so sorry to read this post - but thank you for sharing it. We all need to know when you are hurting so we can pray more!! You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. A big hug.

  16. I find it interesting that within a few cycles of TTC'ing...you realized that you and your dh were going to have problems conceiving...that is what happened to me. My dh was more optimistic but in my heart...I had a dark feeling. I was mad about it too. I just knew that we might not be parents. Hmmmmm.......

    Advent is a hard time....and it's a hard time to get some not so good news. I've been feeling the same about Christmas...I've been so stressed...it's coming and I'm not preparing. I feel horrible about it too. Ugh.

    And don't mention CD1...ugh...my last cycle was brutal too. I had a cramping...not too painful but it was there for a long time and I just did not feel good at all. I was all out of sorts.

    Praying for you!

  17. I am so sorry, Rebecca. This truly is a vale of tears, isn't it? I wish I could hug you a million times. Please know that so many people love you and are inspired by you!!

  18. On the eve of CD1, I so feel your pain.

    Praying for you!!!!!

  19. I am lifting you up in prayer, and offering the intentions of your prayer buddy, too. I will offer a rosary for you, friend, and enjoin your sorrowful mysteries with those of our Beloved. ((hugs))

  20. Praying! I am so sorry for rhe sadness and yes in answer to your question on my blog - thank goodness for football and our fur babies!

  21. i am so so sorry. :-( Christmas and IF stink big time.

  22. You are not alone! I am praying for you and keeping your intentions in my heart!

  23. It seems there is a lot pressing down on you big time right now. I'm so sorry for all of it...I wish none of it was, especially infertility :( Its such a big, heavy weight of saddness that rots everything in reach sometimes. Praying for you big time, friend.

  24. Rebecca, There will be an end to all of this someday. You may not know what that end will be or where it will take you, but find peace in knowing it will eventually come. Continue working through it and trust in the Lord that he knows how much you can take. God Bless!

  25. I'll just add my prayers to the list. YOu know you're always in my prayers and I'm so sorry you're sad and feeling in such a dark place. (((HUGS)))

  26. Oh, Rebecca! My heart goes out to you & the Man. Continuing to pray for you.

  27. Dear friend, you are carrying so much. I am so sorry and I love you. Rest in the comfort of knowing your friends are helping to carry you and thank you for letting us know where you are.

    "I will hold the Christ-light for you, in the nighttime of your fear. I will hold my hand out to you, speak the peace you long to hear". (I've always loved The Servant Song).

    Please call me if you need anything.

  28. Dear Rebecca, I have shared something of your and The Man's pain through my own infertility, and now have a dear one who is walking the same walk herself - so I can empathise and my heart is full for you. I am sending you love and I will be praying for you. May you feel the love of God especially tenderly in your time of need. Lucy x

  29. Christmastime was always the hardest for me, too :(. Especially those years that I was in so much pain from endo. Every day is hard, but it is definitely magnified at such a family-centered time.
    Offering prayers for you today. ((hugs))

  30. Continuing to pray for you, dear friend!

  31. I noticed that on the side of your blog there are these countdown clocks for marathons. I was wondering if you ran long distance everyday? Not that I am a professional, but my doctor told me to stop my running when trying to get pregnant. She wants me to exercise, but to not get my body temp up too much. I know most ordinary people can do many things wrong and still get pregnant... but it was just a thought. Personally I run here and there and try to walk everyday for a long time. It hasn't worked for me yet... Again I am so sorry... I really feel your pain. You are in my prayers.