I really want to write about the awesome weekend that The Man and I had with Michelle and her DH.
Or about the bowl game the Mountaineers are going to.
Or about how I was "that" patient this month for my cycle review.
Or about how we are getting screwed thanks to Obamacare, so much for "those of you with insurance will not see any changes."
But I can't.
I haven't written about it so far because putting it here makes it real. But I have to now, because my Nan really needs the prayers.
A little over a month ago Nan had an intestinal blockage and was admitted to the hospital. This is not necessarily a new occurrence for her as she's had many surgeries to correct this problem that stems from a hernia she has that developed over 35 years ago.
Then she went home. For a week. And went back to the hospital for the same problem. Then home. That was Thursday. She agreed to consider an assisted living facility after Christmas (for lots of reasons, not just the intestinal problems).
Today she went back to the hospital because of a red, warm, sore spot on her side. A spot that was there when they discharged her on Thursday - what are these doctors thinking?
And when my mom calls to tell me, and ask if I can go with her to Pittsburgh tomorrow, she also mentions that a few months ago Nan mentioned a "spot" near her hernia, and her pancreas. The doctor palpated it and it didn't hurt, so they assumed it was related to the hernia. Well, this red spot, that is warm and sore on her side is also in the same area.
Nan's lost a lot of weight despite eating well. And now when they touch this spot, it hurts.
It doesn't look good. Yes, it good be nothing, but it also could be something.
We all agree (my Nan, mom, and my brother) that if it is cancer or something like that, it will not be treated. She can't take another surgery, anesthesia really wrecks her memory and chemo and radiation would just destroy her quality of life. And at 84, it really is about quality.
The only problem is, I'm not ready for this. And the anger at her never getting to be a Big Nan is already boiling up. One of our favorite things to do was take 4-generation photos of my Big Grandma, my Nan, my Mom, and me. I've dreamt of taking another one since I was the 4th generation. It's not fair. And frankly, it's not about me either. I know that. And I hate myself for even thinking about it through the lens of our IF.
I hate it, but it is time to shift my prayers from healing on earth to quality of life, whether it's 10 years or 10 months, my Nan has lived an amazing life and she deserves it. To pray for anything other than quality in her years is selfish.
So, my friends, if I could once again, humbly and with a very heavy heart, ask for your prayers. Prayers for my Nan, for quality of life, for my Mom, who, as an only child is feeling this burden immensely, and for my Nan's 2 sisters who I know can't be ready to see their big sister go, and ultimately, for God's peaceful presence to be with us all as we make decisions and try to do all the right things.