12.04.2012

My Nan

I really want to write about the awesome weekend that The Man and I had with Michelle and her DH.

Or about the bowl game the Mountaineers are going to.

Or about how I was "that" patient this month for my cycle review.

Or about how we are getting screwed thanks to Obamacare, so much for "those of you with insurance will not see any changes."

But I can't.

I haven't written about it so far because putting it here makes it real. But I have to now, because my Nan really needs the prayers.

A little over a month ago Nan had an intestinal blockage and was admitted to the hospital. This is not necessarily a new occurrence for her as she's had many surgeries to correct this problem that stems from a hernia she has that developed over 35 years ago.

Then she went home. For a week. And went back to the hospital for the same problem. Then home. That was Thursday. She agreed to consider an assisted living facility after Christmas (for lots of reasons, not just the intestinal problems).

Today she went back to the hospital because of a red, warm, sore spot on her side. A spot that was there when they discharged her on Thursday - what are these doctors thinking?

And when my mom calls to tell me, and ask if I can go with her to Pittsburgh tomorrow, she also mentions that a few months ago Nan mentioned a "spot" near her hernia, and her pancreas. The doctor palpated it and it didn't hurt, so they assumed it was related to the hernia. Well, this red spot, that is warm and sore on her side is also in the same area.

Nan's lost a lot of weight despite eating well. And now when they touch this spot, it hurts.

It doesn't look good. Yes, it good be nothing, but it also could be something.

We all agree (my Nan, mom, and my brother) that if it is cancer or something like that, it will not be treated. She can't take another surgery, anesthesia really wrecks her memory and chemo and radiation would just destroy her quality of life. And at 84, it really is about quality.

The only problem is, I'm not ready for this. And the anger at her never getting to be a Big Nan is already boiling up. One of our favorite things to do was take 4-generation photos of my Big Grandma, my Nan, my Mom, and me. I've dreamt of taking another one since I was the 4th generation. It's not fair. And frankly, it's not about me either. I know that. And I hate myself for even thinking about it through the lens of our IF.

I hate it, but it is time to shift my prayers from healing on earth to quality of life, whether it's 10 years or 10 months, my Nan has lived an amazing life and she deserves it. To pray for anything other than quality in her years is selfish.

So, my friends, if I could once again, humbly and with a very heavy heart, ask for your prayers. Prayers for my Nan, for quality of life, for my Mom, who, as an only child is feeling this burden immensely, and for my Nan's 2 sisters who I know can't be ready to see their big sister go, and ultimately, for God's peaceful presence to be with us all as we make decisions and try to do all the right things.

19 comments:

  1. I am praying, Rebecca. What a beautiful prayer to pray for her quality of life. I am still grieving the loss of my own grandmother, a little over a year ago. I know what you feel. I will ask my grandmother in Heaven to pray for Nan as well.

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  2. Oh Rebecca, I am praying for you and your family! It is so sad when we have to see our loved ones suffer especially when we are used to being taken care of by them. Sending (((hugs))) your way.

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  3. I am so sorry to hear this Rebecca. Definitely praying!!!

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  4. We will be praying for you! Sorry to hear about this...

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  5. I am very sorry. I will add this to my prayers for you.

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  6. I am sorry to learn of this course of events. Prayers. As you know, I lost my grandmother and Aunt Bea last year...both of them would certainly intercede if they are able. I will pray.

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  7. Praying for your Nan and your whole family. May you have God's peace and consolation!

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  8. Oh Rebecca, I'm so sorry to hear this--praying for you, your family, your Nan, and the doctors involved.

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  9. I am so very sorry, Rebecca! I am definitely praying for your Nan's quality of life and for God to send extra graces to your family during this rough time. Seeing loved ones get older is sooo difficult:( Hugs!

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  10. So sorry, will be praying!!

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  11. I will pray for your Nan, Rebecca! When Dan's grandma passed away in November, the thought did cross my mind (more than once) that it was really disappointing to not be able to tell her this side of heaven that she'd have another great-grandchild. I think it's another aspect of mourning her, of missing future moments with her. So don't be too hard on yourself for wanting that 4th generation photo =) I'm sure your Nan wants it too, and I hope so much that you get it!

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  12. Praying for your Nan, and for you.

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  13. I'm praying for your Nan, your family & you. It is so hard to watch your Nan in pain, sick or hurting. I will ask my grandma to watch over you all. Prayers will be coming for sure. ((((hugs)))) Please keep us updated.

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  14. I am so, so sorry to read this. :( You have been through so much lately...I am sending you hugs and prayers!! I will keep her in my intentions for the novena I'm praying right now.

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  15. I'm so very sorry to hear about this. We prayed for strength and peace for you, your Nan, and your family at Mass this morning.

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