Before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees.
Mrs. Fitz introduced me to this song:
While every word of my last 2 posts is true, I feel like they may be giving a bit of a false sense of how well I'm doing, of how "amazing" I am (to use Catholic Mutt's word - I didn't argue with you in your comment, you get a whole post instead ;)). Before Monday, I was truly feeling like I was at the end of my rope, overcome with sadness and truly wondering just how much more I could take. There was a sense of desperation as I walked into my appointment with Fr. D, a sense of "this session needs to be really good because it's gotta get me through Christmas and New Years."
I am completely unworthy of the gift I was given this week, a gift that really was given to me in August, I just wasn't ready to open it yet. I am questioning everything, specifically why I am granted this reprieve, this break from the sadness and a chance to experience joy this Christmas, joy I was sure I wouldn't feel.
My head is fighting my heart on this fiat every step of the way. And my heart is torn in two, one part wants to skip and jump for joy, while at the same time the other part is breaking because I want to share this joy with everyone. I want every. single. one. of. you. who is reading this to get a reprieve from your suffering, whatever the cause. I am so not worthy of this.
And I know that this joy won't last forever. It is merely a rest stop on the road. It is the calm before the storm, I suspect. But it is a much needed rest stop, yet I don't understand why it was given to me and not one of you.
On one hand, my head says that in releasing my vice grip of control, I'm giving up, coping out, taking the easy option, and my heart is on its knees.
On the other hand, my head realizes exactly what this means and insists that I continue to grasp for control, continue to avoid the pain of following Mary's yes, and my heart is on its knees.
Because if I follow Mary's yes, it leads from a stable on a cold winter night to a hill top on a dark Friday afternoon. And my heart is on its knees.
I am keenly, intensely aware of the indescribable grace I have been gifted this week, mostly because I know I am not worthy of it; that I will fail to honor it daily. It should have been one of you who was given this gift of grace, of joy. Why it was me, I will never understand. The only, potential (pathetic, grasping at straws, desperate for a reason) reason that makes sense is this:
I tend to overshare here, this place is truly my journal and there is very little in my private journal (read: unpublished posts) that doesn't get published. In this over-sharing, I have questioned the fact that those of us in the IF blog-world always talk about answered prayers, and in these answered prayers there is always a baby (be it birthed or adopted). Yet, I know there are more prayers that have been answered on this road than just the granting of children. I also know how in the darkness it seems like no prayers are answered and we are left to grasp and fight for control and cry.
So, my sad little answer to my question "why me?" is this: so that when I'm doubting and feeling forsaken I have a place to come back to where I can be reminded that we are never foresaken, and maybe, just maybe, someone, someday will read these words and realize they are not forsaken either.
All I can do is be thankful for the joy, be thankful for the grace that is so clearly a gift we cannot earn, and pray for the grace to remember this gift when the darkness comes back. My heart is on its knees.
I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
But I am willing, I am Yours.
Be born in me.
Be born in me.