12.21.2012

Be Born in Me

Before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees.

Mrs. Fitz introduced me to this song:



While every word of my last 2 posts is true, I feel like they may be giving a bit of a false sense of how well I'm doing, of how "amazing" I am (to use Catholic Mutt's word - I didn't argue with you in your comment, you get a whole post instead ;)). Before Monday, I was truly feeling like I was at the end of my rope, overcome with sadness and truly wondering just how much more I could take. There was a sense of desperation as I walked into my appointment with Fr. D, a sense of "this session needs to be really good because it's gotta get me through Christmas and New Years."

I am completely unworthy of the gift I was given this week, a gift that really was given to me in August, I just wasn't ready to open it yet. I am questioning everything, specifically why I am granted this reprieve, this break from the sadness and a chance to experience joy this Christmas, joy I was sure I wouldn't feel.

My head is fighting my heart on this fiat every step of the way. And my heart is torn in two, one part wants to skip and jump for joy, while at the same time the other part is breaking because I want to share this joy with everyone. I want every. single. one. of. you. who is reading this to get a reprieve from your suffering, whatever the cause. I am so not worthy of this.

And I know that this joy won't last forever. It is merely a rest stop on the road. It is the calm before the storm, I suspect. But it is a much needed rest stop, yet I don't understand why it was given to me and not one of you.

On one hand, my head says that in releasing my vice grip of control, I'm giving up, coping out, taking the easy option, and my heart is on its knees.

On the other hand, my head realizes exactly what this means and insists that I continue to grasp for control, continue to avoid the pain of following Mary's yes, and my heart is on its knees.

Because if I follow Mary's yes, it leads from a stable on a cold winter night to a hill top on a dark Friday afternoon. And my heart is on its knees.

I am keenly, intensely aware of the indescribable grace I have been gifted this week, mostly because I know I am not worthy of it; that I will fail to honor it daily. It should have been one of you who was given this gift of grace, of joy. Why it was me, I will never understand. The only, potential (pathetic, grasping at straws, desperate for a reason) reason that makes sense is this:

I tend to overshare here, this place is truly my journal and there is very little in my private journal (read: unpublished posts) that doesn't get published. In this over-sharing, I have questioned the fact that those of us in the IF blog-world always talk about answered prayers, and in these answered prayers there is always a baby (be it birthed or adopted). Yet, I know there are more prayers that have been answered on this road than just the granting of children. I also know how in the darkness it seems like no prayers are answered and we are left to grasp and fight for control and cry.

So, my sad little answer to my question "why me?" is this: so that when I'm doubting and feeling forsaken I have a place to come back to where I can be reminded that we are never foresaken, and maybe, just maybe, someone, someday will read these words and realize they are not forsaken either.

All I can do is be thankful for the joy, be thankful for the grace that is so clearly a gift we cannot earn, and pray for the grace to remember this gift when the darkness comes back. My heart is on its knees.

I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours.

Be born in me.

14 comments:

  1. So glad you have this gift of joy! You are in my prayers! I am excited for you to get what I sent you in the mail. You should get it sometime next week I think? Merry Christmas!

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  2. I was struck by a thought as I read this: the idea of answered vs. unanswered prayers and why it is that if we get what we pray for, we consider it answered and if we do not get what we pray for, it is unanswered.

    Years ago, this made sense to me. But now...in my aging years (haha, I'm not even 40!!!) I think that all prayers are answered because He hears every one of our prayers -- in fact He knows our prayers before we pray them -- it's just that His ways are not our ways.

    So, I just spoke all cliche all over your combox (sorry!!!!)

    I think the Lord has answered my prayers for you...just not in the way I wish He would have. but I see such beauty and Grace in you and in your life...that I have nothing to believe but that God is working through you in small, yet great ways.

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    1. Catholic cliche!!! I'm completely rambling. I blame it on my preggo-brain. But I do hope you understood what I was getting at.

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  3. See, but you are amazing, and I'm right and you're wrong, and all the posts that you can write won't change that. ;) See, I am good at winning these kinds of arguments. No matter what you say, I will refer you to the above, and I win! (My sisters and I get into these kinds of arguments sometimes. They think they're right, but I know the truth.)

    I am praying that you can truly embrace this joy in this time, and that you can completely let go. Don't forget, though the stable leads to the hill top, the hill top opens the gates of heaven. I will join you in praying for joy for the brokenhearted this Christmas!


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    1. In these sorts of arguments there must be a tie-breaker. AKA *me*!

      I side with... Catholic Mutt! Rebecca, you are amazing. And it is awesome that you can thank God for it and celebrate these moments along the way.

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  4. Don't worry about sharing your heart. In the every day life there are not a lot of people out there willing to talk regularly about the EVERY DAY emotional battle of infertility. ...One day is great, the next is not... I know I am thankful for this community. The road we are all on is much easier if you are not alone.

    I have been praying for everyone to be healed and blessed with babies!

    I really hope you have a wonderful Christmas full of joy, good memories and more!

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  5. I am so glad for your joy! I especially love the part about how more prayers are answered than just prayers for babies...that is so true. It took awhile, but I have come to realize that through IF, God has granted prayers I didn't even know I had asked for, like a stronger marriage and renewed deep passion for my faith. Wishing you the merriest of Christmases, dear friend!

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  6. Beautiful! Simply Beautiful! I am so happy that this song touched your heart too! The lyrics are so powerful. Prays and Happy last friday in Advent!

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  7. That is a beautiful song. Thinking of you this Christmas Season!

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  8. You have such a beautiful soul, Rebecca. And, I am really happy to hear about the joy you've found.

    Thank you for everything over these last few years. Even though I won't be around the blogs after the new year to continue to tell you so, please know that I am thinking of (and hoping for) you!

    --Casey

    aka: "C"

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    1. I wondered who "Casey" was! I pray for you everyday C and I often wonder how you are! I'll miss you and if you'd ever like to keep in touch, please email me (rebeccawvu02 at gmail dot com).

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    2. Thank you so much, Rebecca! I can't tell you how much that means to me. And, YES!, I would love to stay in touch! :-D

      My email is caseysmith@gmail.com

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  9. What a beautiful thought right before Christmas. :)Praying for you this Christmas season.

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  10. Sometimes I feel that way about this precious baby...I want everyone here to have the IF cross lifted.

    Even our Lord needed a Simon, a break of sorts. Glad you have this rest stop along the weary road. We all are graced with breaks, they just look a little different.

    Merry Christmas my friend!

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