10.17.2012

3 for 3

Well, I'm 3 for 3 so far, and I'm not sure it's a good thing.

The first 3 facebook groups I've been a part of, I've left.

I realize it's mostly just my thin skin and needing to get over myself.

I realize that no one means any harm by the posts.

I realize I should probably just speak up and call people's attention to the insensitivity of their comments.

I don't. I can't. I won't.

Partly because I don't want to be all "poor me, I'm IF and what you said hurt me."

Partly because I don't want to become the "IF Poster Child" of the group.

And partly because there is an innocence that I hate to ruin.

So, I leave.

I say nothing and I leave.

Frankly, I probably never should've joined in the first place - groups for Catholic women and NFP users are obviously going to be all about babies.

I think I'll just stick to my football groups...although the fact that someone in that group said Richmond was the capital of West Virginia puts it in jeopardy as well.

I started to hit "publish" here. To let this little temper tantrum stand all on it's own, but just as my mouse hoovered over the button, the question "what exactly do you expect then?" entered my brain.

So, what do I expect?

I'm not sure. I just know that so far the groups haven't worked for me.

I wish I could laugh at conversations about the perfect month to get pregnant, not having any children because I'm a newlywed, or winging it in my charting.

I wish I could be happy when someone is worried they might be pregnant and find out they aren't - even though they knew full well their behavior might create a baby.

I know this is all just normal Catholic woman with normal fertility talk.

And maybe it's more about jealousy than anything else.

So, unfortunately, I don't know what I expect, and I think that is ultimately why I leave.

I don't fit in. And even if I become a mother some day, I won't fit in, not really.

I found the club and the island to which I belong.

I wish not a single one of us were on this island or in this club, but I am grateful that I am not alone.

10 comments:

  1. I had NO qualms about leaving the Mother's of Small Families-Not by Choice group. And I'm proud to say I did it based on principle. I clearly would not be interested in the type of poor grammatical conversations that took place in that group. ;P

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  2. I know exactly what you are talking about...I only recently joined the group again and have trouble reading the threads....so I usually don't. It reminds me of a time when I was more naive when I read what those women have to say, although at the same time I'm glad there's a support group for people who actually have to use NFP to not get pregnant all the time instead of tracking cycles in order just to concieve. Its a cross i will probably never know. I do know though, like you, ill probably never be an active participant like maybe I once could have been.

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  3. I am glad that you are not alone and have a group in which you can take comfort.

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  4. I left many of those groups a long time ago. And I haven't looked back. :) Its ok to not fit into any specific group and just be who God made you to be. You have a beautiful story and you are on a path to heaven. Sometimes I feel bad for those that need charting to realize that the Lord is in charge.

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  5. I had to back out of the NFP group as well (and I'm a crazy NFP lady). It was too much for me. I say don't worry about it! Facebook is supposed to be fun and if something isn't, delete it!

    P.S.
    EMAW! I'll be watching your twitter this weekend. ;-)

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  6. I don't have any experience with Facebook groups, but I certainly do know what's it's like to feel left out. It's the smugness that hurts and the feeling like I'm invisible. It always reminds me to try to not be that way- and I know I am...I would say that a group should lift you up and encourage you and if it doesn't, it's very healthy to GET OUT. Just like you did!!

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  7. I don't blame you at all for leaving those FB groups! This IF journey is about preserving your sanity at all costs -- which is why I have had to step away from blogging and commenting.

    I'm very comfortable on IF island. I wish you didn't have to visit, but at least you won't be lonely there.

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  8. I am an introvert but the feelings of IF make me that much more of an introvert. I found that through the years I put my guard up so quickly. Until I found "blogland" Please know that we understand what you are going through. Protect yourself and your emotions.

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  9. I have been thinking of leaving these groups as well, but I stay to try and remind them, or show them. To make them realize life is not all honeymoon babies and "Oh what the hell! Let's not chart because my body is perfect!"

    There is a real niavete; also, I know one woman who left the group because of her secondary IF and when she left a comment to that effect, they all jumped on her. They just will never.get.it. Never. And it's not like we want them to know what it's like to weep over AF or a BFN, because we don't. But we don't want to do those things either. Prayers friend.

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  10. This loneliness that you're feeling, this is the loneliness of Christ. Offer it up to him.

    When I had secondary infertility, I found conversations with my very good friends painful b/c at one point in every gathering mothers would start worrying if they were going to have 7 or 10 kids (while pregnant with number 2) and I'd try not to cry because we'd tried for 3 years to have number 4--and our pain was invisible. I wanted so much to say "that hyper fertility you are worried about in your 20s, it can vanish in an instant after age 32...."

    I never said anything. Sometimes, I prayed instead.

    Then one of my very good friends suffered from even more intensive infertility and miscarriages, and I hurt her feelings unintentionally too when I said about her youngest "She's ready for a little sister!" when there was a strong possibility that a new baby might never enter her family again.

    So we hurt each other. It's a part of being human and flawed.

    I think you are there as a silent witness--a friend of God. In this horrible culture where we throw babies away on the slightest pretext, infertility is there to remind us ---this is all a gift!

    Yesterday, I went to the adoption of a little one year old in my parish family. He was a Down Syndrome Baby. A lot of my readers had prayed for him to find a Mama. My daughter's Godparents adopted him--their 11th baby. I wanted to write his birth Mom a letter saying how joyful his adoption day was yesterday and I just started crying. I've been pregnant when nurses said so many negative things about doing Down Syndrome tests. I just couldn't even imagine how much pressure there was to just abort any kid out of wedlock, let alone a kid with an intellectual disability--but that would have meant the world would have missed Baby Dylan--who is already a remarkable baby at age 1.

    So prayer matters. Tears matter. In the end all this horrible suffering helps heal the world--and I'm very hopeful that a child will be in your arms soon! God is faithful!

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