I've said so many many times that I want to walk this road with grace; that I want to honor both my desires for a life of parenting and the life I may be given without children. These are in many ways the most painful aspects of IF, or at least what make the hurts sting that much deeper. I know when I'm sobbing and asking "why?" and feeling sorry for myself, I am not opening myself up to His grace. But it is the other, the finding of balance between what I want and what I have where I feel I stumble the most.
There are days, when I can see our life without children so clearly. And it's OK. It's better than OK, it's beautiful and full of love and laughter.
There are days, when I can see our life with children so clearly. And it is OK. It is better than OK, it's beautiful and full of love and laughter.
Usually, as I picture one, I feel a horrible twinge of guilt to pull me back to reality. If I can picture one option so wonderfully, what does that say about my desire for and willingness to accept the other? Am I betraying my desire for children, when I see a good life without them? Am I dishonoring my marriage and our family of two when I see a good life with more than just us? I can so easily fixate on the daydream of the day, or week, or moment that to consider the other reality becomes almost impossible, temporarily. It is as if instead of an angel and a devil on my shoulders, I have a life with children and a life without them constantly throwing their best at me trying to convince me which one will be better. And the guilt I feel when wanting one over the other - there are no words.
And, then, in a matter of a second, in speaking with a friend, I realized part of the problem.
You see, in this blog world, we talk so much of miracles and answered prayers and God's plan playing out. And when we do, there is always a picture of a baby, or a BFP, or an ultrasound, or talk of a call.
But, sometimes, the miracle doesn't involve a baby, or a BFP, or an ultrasound, or a phone call. Sometimes the miracle is in the life right before our eyes. Sometimes it is in a healed marriage. In being able to celebrate the joy of new life for others. In being there for one another and witnessing to life and love. In physical and spiritual healing. In finding beauty and truth and healing from the Church.
Sometimes the "this" in "this was God's plan all along," isn't a child at all.
And that's OK. Or at least I have decided that it would be OK.
No, this doesn't lessen my desires for parenthood for The Man and myself. No this doesn't make any of this less painful. But it does help to ensure that in 10 years, no matter what our family looks like, it will still be just that, our family.
As we drawer nearer to two years of TTC (later this month), and I continue to face milestone and events that I never dreamed I'd face and I realize that no matter how sad or angry or confused or bitter I get, the milestones will still come. No matter how many times I plan for the baby to be here this time next year, this time next year will come - with or without a baby.
As I write this, lest you think I'm delusional (perhaps I am) or somehow granted some special insight, I must admit that I am sky-high with hope for a BFP this cycle. I don't know why, there is nothing to indicate that this cycle will be any different than the last 2 years, I just know it is part of this road. The hope and the disappointment; the highs and the lows; the joy and the tears.
And for today, I can only hope that some of this perspective; this understanding that life will be OK with or without children; that proof of God's love and His miracles in my life does not hinge on whether or not there is a child that calls me mommy is still around in 2 weeks to help prevent the low from going so low.