AF arrived bright and early, and in a "don't worry, you won't think I'm just some spotting" kinda way, yesterday morning.

Which makes today CD2. CD2 in a cycle where I am taking Letrozole (Femera). This means I had to do something I've never done this morning - POAS. Of course it was negative. And of course I waited the two minutes and when the alarm on my phone went off rushed into the bathroom hoping that somehow it wouldn't be. Yes, I realize this is absolutely. completely. certifiably. insane. (You would too if you had seen just how strongly AF was making her presence known yesterday and before the pee.)

This morning ranks right up there with my first ultrasound.

I swore I would never POAS unless I was pretty darn sure it would be a BFP.

But, since Dr. D. was firm, kind, but firm, that it was a must AND the first warning on the side of the prescription is "do not take if pregnant" I figured it was a good idea. Even if I was coming to this decision grudgingly while AF was mocking me.

If I hadn't had to give a presentation to the engaged couples at 8:45 this morning, I might still be in bed. Because if I didn't get up, then I didn't have to POAS. (Yes, I'm very mature about these things.)

So, tonight I will take my meds. I decided night time was better since drowsiness and dizziness are possible side effects and I tend to experience all possible side effects. And tomorrow I start synthroid (oops, just realizing I never updated on the rest of my labs - I'll do that soon, but here is your "sneak peak: my thyroid is not cooperating fully). And my medicine cabinet now has more prescription bottles in it than I'm pretty sure it's had in it my whole life combined (perhaps I'm exaggerating just a bit here?). And The Man is living in a house with needles in it - this is a HUGE thing, he hates needles so much he has panic attacks around them. All of the blood drained from his face when I warned him what was in the envelope from Ku.bats and what cabinet I was putting it in until I needed it. Poor man :(.

You are all always so kind, I feel I must tell you there is sarcasm, snark, and bitterness behind these words. And frankly, that scares the you-know-what out of me. At mass today, I thanked God for allowing me to keep it together while I was working, but I also asked Him to make sure that I didn't put walls back up - that I would feel the pain of all of this. I'm not sure if this sarcasm, snark, and bitterness is me feeling or me putting up walls. Only time will tell.

I'm trying hard to lead on God. To remain open, to really believe the words "Thy will be done" when I pray them. For today, I'm relying on the fact that God is big and that He is love and that just maybe, while I'm throwing my temper tantrum and screaming about how it's not fair, maybe He is holding me close and protecting me from worse things.


  1. I am sorry that you had to POAS with AF around! Hoping & praying that Femara helps you this cycle. I took it for 3 cycles and didn't have any ugly side effects but it affected my CM. So better take Mucinex or any CM enhancer. I am on Armour for my thyroid & it has definitely helped.

  2. I am so very sorry.


  3. He is. This is exactly how miracles happen...He holds out for so long just so you know that your blessing is definitely from above. One day closer. Right? I think. Deep breath.

  4. I know what you mean about all the meds. I have never been on so many in my life either. And I wonder if there will ever be a day where I can be normal and just go back to one daily multivitamin and eating whatever I want. Aah. How nice that would be!

  5. I've got to confess that one of my biggest prayers for you since Friday was that you wouldn't have to deal with a cyst, so this counted as an answer to prayer for me. Now you may hate me.

    Here's to embracing grace, even when you can't feel it.

  6. Hugs!! Sorry about having to POAS, there's to the meds helping quickly and without much fuss.

  7. Hang in there! I completely understand why you don't want to POAS. I always have wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure, too...but I often have to POAS even when the chance is so slight because of my luteal phase issue and my progesterone deficiencies. So I get what you're saying. No matter what we are trying to do (avoid or achieve) there is just this level of hope that comes with POAS regardless. So, I say that mainly to express...that I get how you feel on some level, though most likely not exactly on your level.

    Prayers for you.

  8. That's just cruel. But you are brave and strong. I'm on Armour for thyroid too and it has made alllllll the difference. A lot of people don't respond well to synthroid so if you don't see noticeable improvement see if they'll give you Armour. But hoping you don't need it after all :)

  9. Soo sorry you had to POAS even with AF right there in your face. :( I love what you said about God holding you and protecting you from worse things! I just know that He is! I am praying for you sweet friend..

  10. Oh friend, I am so sorry. Urgh! I want to kick things for you. I'm praying next month's stick gives you a different result!

  11. I haven't POAS in a long, long time too. I was told NOT to while doing HCG since I could get a false positive...so if my cycle makes p16..then I'll have to go in and get a blood test...I think I'd rather POAS. Geesh..the wait is not as long.

    GOod luck with your meds. My dh can't watch me give myself a shot either. He could pass out. Haaaa.....

  12. I am so sorry for you having to POAS. Ugh. And I expect that positive line every time. And I try and judge "my line" saying "well maybe ..." or "in a few more minutes, it will change ..." and never does. Ahhh, hope. Heartbreaking every time.
    I have high hopes for your thyroid med!! Sometimes, I think it is overlooked but makes all the difference. I'm not glad you have another pull, but am glad it can help.
    You are a brave, brave gal. Thinking of you this month for shots. (((hugs))). You remain in my prayers.

  13. It's so not right or fair. Ultrasounds and POAS shouldnt have to be endured with such disappointment. I am sorry. I've been and will continue to hold you close in prayer.

  14. I am praying for you, Rebecca. I hope that POAS will someday bring intense joy. I hate IF.

  15. This sucks! This sucky day is a bridge to a more beautiful day in your life like the "Annunciation".

    Did I tell you about how I found out about my daughter Tess. I had secondary IF for almost three years. It seemed that my period came each and every time before my monthly Women of Prayer meeting. I can't tell you how many times I cried during those meetings. After a few years, I stopped testing because I hated all the negatives.

    Then one Jan 1, I was in Mass with my family. I prayed the same prayer "Lord give us another child". This quiet voice said "that prayer's been granted, go take a pregnancy test today." So of course, I forgot all about it after church. Hours later, my husband starts asking me about taking a pregnancy test--which was highly unusual for him to remember my cycle dates.

    I was so scared, I made him go check the test after 3 minutes. I knelt down to pray and said "Lord, it's okay if you don't give me a baby this month... I'm still going to believe...(I was so scared to be disappointed again)"

    Then my husband nudged me, and handed me the stick it said YES!

    You are also going to have a beautiful story like that to share someday. God is not going to waste a heart as beautiful as yours--you were made for spiritual motherhood!

  16. I'm with Second Chances...that is a special kind of cruelty. Ugh. POAS is torture. Because no matter the situation there will always be a tiny part of you that hopes it's positive even when you know it couldn't be...I used to always hope, when they did the pre-surgery POAS test, that it would magically be positive even though we'd been avoiding since AF came. Once, AF showed up while I was waiting those 3 mins to see what the test showed. Ugh.

    Don't feel too bad about having the occasional temper tantrum. You're only human. I had them all the time...I was the poster child for how not to deal with IF. I say, if you don't kill anybody or light anything on fire, you're doing okay. "Regular" people just don't understand how difficult it can be to simply get through the day sometimes. I've always thought IFers deserved medals just for keepin' on!!

  17. Your words are so beautiful and encouraging. I have no doubt that from your pain, there is good happening for people. I don't know if that helps or not, but I hope it does a tiny bit. *hugs*

  18. You are doing all of this right. God Bless you Rebecca! Prayers going out to you over the miles!