AF arrived bright and early, and in a "don't worry, you won't think I'm just some spotting" kinda way, yesterday morning.
Which makes today CD2. CD2 in a cycle where I am taking Letrozole (Femera). This means I had to do something I've never done this morning - POAS. Of course it was negative. And of course I waited the two minutes and when the alarm on my phone went off rushed into the bathroom hoping that somehow it wouldn't be. Yes, I realize this is absolutely. completely. certifiably. insane. (You would too if you had seen just how strongly AF was making her presence known yesterday and before the pee.)
This morning ranks right up there with my first ultrasound.
I swore I would never POAS unless I was pretty darn sure it would be a BFP.
But, since Dr. D. was firm, kind, but firm, that it was a must AND the first warning on the side of the prescription is "do not take if pregnant" I figured it was a good idea. Even if I was coming to this decision grudgingly while AF was mocking me.
If I hadn't had to give a presentation to the engaged couples at 8:45 this morning, I might still be in bed. Because if I didn't get up, then I didn't have to POAS. (Yes, I'm very mature about these things.)
So, tonight I will take my meds. I decided night time was better since drowsiness and dizziness are possible side effects and I tend to experience all possible side effects. And tomorrow I start synthroid (oops, just realizing I never updated on the rest of my labs - I'll do that soon, but here is your "sneak peak: my thyroid is not cooperating fully). And my medicine cabinet now has more prescription bottles in it than I'm pretty sure it's had in it my whole life combined (perhaps I'm exaggerating just a bit here?). And The Man is living in a house with needles in it - this is a HUGE thing, he hates needles so much he has panic attacks around them. All of the blood drained from his face when I warned him what was in the envelope from Ku.bats and what cabinet I was putting it in until I needed it. Poor man :(.
You are all always so kind, I feel I must tell you there is sarcasm, snark, and bitterness behind these words. And frankly, that scares the you-know-what out of me. At mass today, I thanked God for allowing me to keep it together while I was working, but I also asked Him to make sure that I didn't put walls back up - that I would feel the pain of all of this. I'm not sure if this sarcasm, snark, and bitterness is me feeling or me putting up walls. Only time will tell.
I'm trying hard to lead on God. To remain open, to really believe the words "Thy will be done" when I pray them. For today, I'm relying on the fact that God is big and that He is love and that just maybe, while I'm throwing my temper tantrum and screaming about how it's not fair, maybe He is holding me close and protecting me from worse things.