Well, today's the day. The day I wouldn't allow myself to think would really come. The day I joked about with the appointment scheduler when I made the appointment.
But it 's here. I have my first appointment with Dr. D. (Dr. S's partner since he retired in the spring after my surgery and follow-up.)
I am nervous because I do not know exactly what to expect. I do have a bit of an idea thanks to all of you, and I do know that I am going to request a second full-cycle blood work, it's been almost a year since I had my first (and only) one and I've been on metf.ormin and prom.etrium plus had surgery, so I'd like to see if my hormones are any better at all. Other than that, I suspect we are possibly entering into the world of ultrasound series and injectables.
Today the road takes the next turn and this is what I know: every time I think I want to just give up and throw out my charts God speaks to me in the exact language to remind me why I can't. He uses this beautiful sacrament of marriage to remind me how badly I want The Man to be a daddy; to remind me this isn't just about me and my fears and my control issues; to remind me that (please don't hate me) I don't ever dream about a BFP, but rather about telling The Man about the BFP. (I think this is why I'm able to not test every month.) That as much as I want to be a mommy, there is something deeper inside of me that wants The Man to be a daddy. Something that knows if it were possible to sacrifice my motherhood for The Man's fatherhood I would do it, in a heartbeat without hesitation. It is why, of all the days, Father's Day is the hardest. Of all the things that break my heart, hearing The Man hurt is worse; hearing him say things like "it's just not fair, there are babies all around us" breaks my heart in places I didn't know could be broken.
So, while my flight response is wanting to kick in big time (remember, I have no fight response - yes, I am stubborn, but my every instinct is to run), God is reminding me that there is more to this. And today, I begin to discover what that more will look like.
Thank God for good friends, because after my appointment Ania, E., and Christy (her blog is private) and I are meeting for dinner. Christy and I are friends from grad school, E is a friend and my FCP, and Ania is a blog friend turned IRL friend. There will be a couple of kiddos, a baby growing in utero, a couple DHs, and 4 ladies who share the journey of IF, 2 of which who also share the pain of miscarriage, and lots of chit chat, faith, and love. I can't imagine a better way to spend the evening than with these ladies.
And now, I need to finish up because if I don't get packed and ready I'm going to be late and I don't think stressing over being late for 4 hours in the car is a great way to start this appointment.