8.17.2012

Break My Heart Lord, Allow Me to Feel

It's been a hard few weeks. The baby announcements seem to be giving birth to more baby announcements, and while I'm genuinely happy for those who are expecting, the feeling of being left behind is growing ever stronger. My list of bloggers still waiting is getting shorter. We are blessed, I know it, to see miracles happening right before our eyes because every baby is a miracle.

And as hard as the weeks have been, one of the hardest things has been the lack of emotion I've felt. Instead I've been having such extreme anxiety I've been having physical pains in my chest area. I know it's anxiety related because it only happens when something that would normally make me cry or sad happens. I don't even really feel anxious, it is completely manifest in physical symptoms (and is worse if it's been a couples days since I last went for a run). It's as if, instead of feeling the emotions, a wall is being built around my heart. A hard, thick, tall wall.

On Sunday I head to a weeklong course on the theol.ogy of the bo.dy that is encompassed in a retreat setting. Since I sat in adoration last Friday evening and prayed for God to break my heart, to soften the hardness that is building, to let me feel the emotions I know I am blocking, I have continued praying for the same thing. It is what I will be asking for in prayer all next week, for the hard wall that is forming and causing physical pain to break apart and allow me to feel the emotional pain again.

My first 2 trips to this retreat center have coincided with steps forward on our IF journey, specifically with the scheduling of appointments and testing. (My first retreat also marked my first NaPro appointment and the start of answers. My second retreat marked the scheduling of my surgery 10 days later.) A part of me never dreamed I'd be going back to Black Rock and not be pregnant yet, and this time the doctor's appointment is already scheduled for the following week. This only leaves my emotional state and the spiritual side of things for steps forward. I am praying hard that those steps happen. I need them to happen or else I'm going to end up needing a stress test and I'd rather that not happen.

Without any chance of physical progress (it is also CD1, so there is no hope there) or medical steps forward, I am clinging to the hope that God will answer my prayer. That He will break my heart and allow me to feel. At this point, it is my only hope.

21 comments:

  1. (((HUGS))) my friend. And I send prayers for a safe journey.

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  2. Your post is breaking my heart. I wish I could do so much more...but know of my prayers!

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  3. Just wanted to let you know I have missed you and your posts - and I am praying for you.

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  4. I'm praying for you -- it's easier to offer up my anxiety for you than to pray for anything else!

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  5. I can't wait to give you a big hug when I see you next week! Prayers as always.

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  6. Praying for you sweet friend SOOO much!!!!

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  7. I know that God will answer your prayer, and while that is blessedly wonderful, I am cringing for you and the outpouring of pain.

    I hope that you get your runs in without fail. :-)

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  8. I so wish there was something I could say to make it better, to help. Please know I am praying for you.

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  9. Praying for you! I am so sorry for all of this...I wish I could rid the world of IF!

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  10. Praying for you. I know how you feel. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant or just gave birth. I hate feeling this way about new little miracles. All I want is a miracle of my own. I know my wants aren't always Gods wants but it doesn't make it any easier. So sorry you are going through this.

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  11. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you have been. I hope the new place is getting to feel more like home and you have all the boxes unpacked. Or most of them. :-)
    I will also be praying that your heart softens. All too often, the hard heart turns to bitterness, which is SO hard to get over. It was easy for me to be bitter. It was harder to pray. ((hugs))

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  12. I am so sorry, my friend. Please know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Big hug.

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  13. I should have checked blogger before emailing you - I am so sorry. I never know what to say to try and make this situation better, but know that you are in my prayers and thoughts! Big giant hugs!!

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  14. What an absolutely beautiful prayer, and absolutely necessary as well. I need to re-open my heart, too. Could you pray for me, too?
    We will see the face of God...

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  15. This verse immediately jumped into my mind: "I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you, taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts" (or "hearts of flesh" in other translations) - Ezekiel 36:26. I remember hearing this verse after a bad breakup and praying the same prayer you're praying, that I wouldn't turn my heart to stone just to avoid the pain. I'll pray that your heart gets bigger with all the suffering you're going through!

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  16. I have missed your updates as well and am looking forward to talking soon hopefully. Prayers for your anxiety and suffering to be relieved...

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  17. Rebecca, you've been on my heart a lot. I have been praying for you and all of the ladies still waiting. I hope your prayers will be answered. I myself have noticed that I am starting to feel a small sense of bitterness creeping back in as the pregnancy announcements keep rolling in while we just keep on trying, and I do not like it. It's hard to plaster a smile on your face and say, "Oh wow. Congrats." to someone who is pregnant for the sixth time in eight years and so obviously doesn't want to be. I just have to keep telling myself....God is in control. <3 to you friend!

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  18. Maybe it's not the same, but I know that dead, dead feeling that is all that's left when you can't feel anymore. Praying for you, friend!

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  19. Hi Rebecca,

    I am tidying up my blog a bit and have added a link to you. Please let me know if you are ok with this. Thanks!

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