It's been a hard few weeks. The baby announcements seem to be giving birth to more baby announcements, and while I'm genuinely happy for those who are expecting, the feeling of being left behind is growing ever stronger. My list of bloggers still waiting is getting shorter. We are blessed, I know it, to see miracles happening right before our eyes because every baby is a miracle.
And as hard as the weeks have been, one of the hardest things has been the lack of emotion I've felt. Instead I've been having such extreme anxiety I've been having physical pains in my chest area. I know it's anxiety related because it only happens when something that would normally make me cry or sad happens. I don't even really feel anxious, it is completely manifest in physical symptoms (and is worse if it's been a couples days since I last went for a run). It's as if, instead of feeling the emotions, a wall is being built around my heart. A hard, thick, tall wall.
On Sunday I head to a weeklong course on the theol.ogy of the bo.dy that is encompassed in a retreat setting. Since I sat in adoration last Friday evening and prayed for God to break my heart, to soften the hardness that is building, to let me feel the emotions I know I am blocking, I have continued praying for the same thing. It is what I will be asking for in prayer all next week, for the hard wall that is forming and causing physical pain to break apart and allow me to feel the emotional pain again.
My first 2 trips to this retreat center have coincided with steps forward on our IF journey, specifically with the scheduling of appointments and testing. (My first retreat also marked my first NaPro appointment and the start of answers. My second retreat marked the scheduling of my surgery 10 days later.) A part of me never dreamed I'd be going back to Black Rock and not be pregnant yet, and this time the doctor's appointment is already scheduled for the following week. This only leaves my emotional state and the spiritual side of things for steps forward. I am praying hard that those steps happen. I need them to happen or else I'm going to end up needing a stress test and I'd rather that not happen.
Without any chance of physical progress (it is also CD1, so there is no hope there) or medical steps forward, I am clinging to the hope that God will answer my prayer. That He will break my heart and allow me to feel. At this point, it is my only hope.