Offerring Congratulations

I knew it was coming. A church-friend announced her pregnancy on FB a few weeks ago and I knew I'd see her soon.  (Thanks to my travel schedule and our move last week I had a few weeks to let it sink in).

This is someone I am genuinely happy for and were the announcement made in any other way, I'd have been running over to congratulate her instead of waiting for her to come to me.  She had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and then I reached out to her last fall because I just suspected. We had a nice conversation over tea and I've been praying for her very specifically ever since.

She had surgery to remove a couple polyps just a couple of weeks after I had my surgery. We offered each other private messages of prayers and encouragement on FB before and after. I figured it was just a matter of time for her.

And then came the announcement. On Facebook. Publicly. With no warning, no direct message, no acknowledgement. Nothing.

And it hurt. A lot.

We aren't super close friends, so I don't know why I expected anything different. I don't know why I feel like I had a right to private message. And maybe that's just it - I expected too much and I have no right to anything in regards to how someone else announces a pregnancy.

I hate myself for being less-than-excited for her. For letting something so seemingly small affect my reactions. Yet, when I tell myself all of the things that are probably true - she was just too excited for answered prayers, she didn't know what to say or do, etc. - it really doesn't help.

I know it doesn't help that the BrB has been hanging around for a few days and that AF is on her way. (There is definitely no hope of a BFP this month - you actually have to, you know, have se.x for that to be possible. And apparently packing up all of your belongings during the fertile time only results in 2 exhausted people who collapse into bed and play rock-paper-scissors for has to get back up to put the dogs in their kennels.) While there is no hope - disappointment cycle to experience there is a missed opportunity. And in the past when there was no chance the cycle was actually a bit healing, a chance to take a breather and get back on the horse. Not this time. It is a glaring missed opportunity and a huge question of what might have been. But oh yes, there is all of the irregular bleeding, so who am I kidding?

So I know all of this. And yet it took every. single. ounce. of strength not to cry during mass or when I hugged her and offered my congratulations.

I hate IF. I hate it with every. single. fiber. of my being.


  1. :( I hate it too, and I don't think you were expecting too much. I would think she of all people would understand, and it is sad and disappointing that she didn't message you privately. Maybe she felt bad and just didn't know how to handle it. Praying for you, friend!

  2. I have no words, just sympathy and prayers. IF you suck. Big, fat donkey balls.

  3. Uuugghh that is the worst. I think its because when you are IF together you share something that not a lot of people understand. And when you get pregnant, yes you obviously don't share that but shouldn't you still remember how you would have wanted to find out? When people forget it makes you feel more along than ever :( I'm sorry. This type of thing is one reason I was really hesitant to announce on FB in the first place...what if I had forgotten someone, etc. Good for you for hugging her anyway...thats some serious sanctification going on in you. Praying as always that your sanctification comes soon in sleepless nights and poopy diapers :)

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  5. I so wish and pray this woundn't hurt for yous so much. But it does, terriby. Please know I am praying for you and sending you hugs!

  6. IF does suck. I know sometimes people don't know what to say, but it still stinks when they just don't say anything.

  7. This is just a yucky situation. yes, it would have been nice for her to let you know ahead of time- Especially in this era of easy communication via private messaging via facebook or texting. Praying our Lord heals you quickly. God Bless you.

  8. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I had the hardest "happy congratulations" that I had to give before we found out about Luke. And boy was it hard. Bawling in front of my in-laws. Bawling in front of my co-worker. I felt so foolish ... but then again ... it was freeing and therapeutic. I was just thinking of that a few days ago ... the feeling of learning about my nephew or my friends' twins. It was devastating.
    I wish your friend had PM-d you on FB prior to sending out a message to the whole world. It is just so shocking to be blindsided out of the blue.
    I know exactly what you mean about "burning months" ... the DH and I have had a few of those ... where sleep sounds better than BD-ing. You are not alone.

  9. I'll be honest, from what you've written, it sounds pretty insensitive to me. Sometimes people just don't know how to handle this kind of thing, so they avoid it altogether. Maybe she figured you would rather have some time to process the news before you saw her face to face? I don't know.

    I think when you share a heartache with someone...when you can relate on a very personal level to something so difficult as infertility, and when you've opened up your heart to someone like that, well then, you would expect a little bit back. You expect a simple courtesy. I don't think it's asking too much, Rebecca. I think it's totally understandable that you are hurt. Wish I could make it feel better for you...

  10. I'm new to this blogging-about-infertility thing (my blog is still private, or at least I think it is!) but I have really appreciated reading your reflections over the past few months. I'm sorry that this situation happened to you, and I understand why you would feel hurt. I have a problem with Facebook in general as a place for announcing major life changes. When I got engaged, I made a point to tell as many close friends and family as I could before posting anything on Facebook. I've never experienced the same situation you describe here, but I definitely feel overwhelmed by all the Facebook pregnancy announcements! It's hard not to feel excluded or not part of the "club" anyway, and to not receive the respect of a personal message from someone you shared your personal struggle with is pretty hurtful. Offering prayers for you today!!

  11. Ugh. Hugs, friend. I am so sorry you found out that way. FB really is a horrible way to make announcements. Praying for you so much!

  12. IF REALLY does stink!! Ugh. So sorry you are dealing with this right now. It really is the most bizarre mix of emotions when an IF girl hears of a pg announcement. Joy and extreme sadness all rolled into one. I wish your friend had at least messaged you privately! Sending extra prayers for comfort and that you will get to have YOUR big announcement very soon!

  13. We still haven't announced on FB, for many reasons, but that is one of them. So sorry it was so insensitive.

    On another note though, I've been thinking about and praying for you a lot. It might be annoying, but I'm gonna continue to have crazy hope for you my friend.

  14. I must have been crazy busy with out of town relatives as I missed this post! I'm so sorry this happened. This is one reason why I have a love-hate relationship with FB. For one thing, it is great to share moments and pictures with people who are far away and that is the only way they can partake in your life "in the moment". But then, it's so awkward when some things are announced on FB that should probably be a bit more personal with some folks. When we announced our last one, I made sure I'd contacted everyone that really needed to hear it personally from me. But I'm sure that this is just one of those things where she wasn't thinking about it, even if she should have.

    Here's a great bit virtual hug for you...albeit a bit late. Praying for you, Rebecca.


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