6.03.2012

Missing Out

A few years ago I would have been in heaven. Sitting at our church picnic, holding my goddaughter on my lap while she ate, watching her 2 sisters play, and then watching other mom's with young children bring their children over to play too.  It was what I dreamed of - building a church community, meeting other young couples, and making new friends. And loving on their children with the thought in the back of my head that some day that might be us. It just never happened that way. We have a couple of friends from our church, but not a group/community.

Today, it happened. And it wasn't heaven. It was one of the hardest moments on this road to-date. It started out awesome. My goddaughter on my lap eating, her sisters off with The Man watching the magician and her mom and I chatting. And then another mom came to join us, with her sweet baby. And then another. And then the magician was done and the older siblings all came back. And sitting there, outside in the sunshine, it felt like the air wouldn't fill my lungs. And the tears sat just under the surface.

So, instead of sitting and chatting and building new relationships, I told The Man I was ready to go. And we left. I just couldn't face the possibility of being asked "Do you have children?" I just couldn't do it today.

And it is one more thing I am missing out on because of IF. Missing out on first smiles, and steps, and pregnancy, and childbirth, and all that comes with a son or daughter. On top of all that I am missing out on potential friendships and community as well.

The blessing in all of this is that I had an outlet. After the ice cream I'd eaten settled in my stomach, I grabbed my running shoes and headed out for my first-ever 7 mile run. As my feet hit the pavement, my mind was racing at first, but after about a mile the best thing happens and my brain shuts off. It goes on autopilot and I stop obsessing and I feel free. The music is loud in my ears and my focus is on a steady pace and meeting my goal. While I wish with everything in me that my baby-making parts would work right, I am determined to see the gift that running (and swimming and biking) has become for me. I am determined to be grateful that my body seems to be working right in this area and that it is an outlet where my brain turns off.

As I find myself craving this "turning off", this freedom, I realize the only other time I find this is during Adoration. It's a different sort of "turning off", but the feeling of freedom is the same. I even cry while I run sometimes...and of course during Adoration sometimes. I need to do a better job of making time with Jesus as much of a priority as I've made running. I need to give myself this gift of letting go more often and in more ways - meaning I can't replace exercise with Adoration or vice versa. I have found a way to add the exercise into my days, now I need to find a way to add the Adoration. It is the only way I'm ever going to be able to sit and stay and face "the" question, it is the only way to limit the missing out to that which is out of my control.

21 comments:

  1. Wow! Good job on your 7 mile run! Keep going! I'm glad that you've found something that can help you turn of the IF brain. I'm looking for a way to add more adoration into my life. Prayers that you can add it!

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  2. Continued prayers! Glad you found an outlet or two, continued luck fitting them more and more into your schedule.

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  3. Running is a great outlet and I'm so glad you have it as a hobby. Keep it up!

    I took up running in my final year of grad school when it seemed like everything in my life was going wrong -- I was struggling with really hard school work, I was dead broke, I didn't know what I would do once I gradutated, had no job prospects and tons of debt, all of my dating relationships were miserable failures and I kept going to weddings and baby showers and feeling like that would never be me even though I wanted that life more than anything. I would lay down to sleep at night and my mind would be exhausted from all the studying and all the worrying, but my body would be wide awake. I would literally put on my running shoes at 1 a.m. and just run and run until I couldn't put one foot in front of the other and my tears had all dried up (I liked running during rainstorms best because it washed the tears away). It was the only thing that put me to sleep at night that year and before I knew it, I was running these huge distances. I figured I might as well sign up for a marathon and I did and crossing that finish line was a real turning point in my life. It was my victory over all of the things that were getting me down that year.

    Hang in there friend! Your victory will come, too!!! =)

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  4. You are a rock star. I love distance running!

    I totally need to go to Adoration as well, and I always do it whenever I get the inkling, and sometimes, in my parish, it's not available when I feel like going...so definitely an inspiration there, too, Rebecca.

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  5. I so get how you were feeling. There are some days where it's all just too much. What a blessing being able to run and take your mind off of it!

    Continued prayers!

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  6. 7 miles? That's awesome! I have definitely never run that far in my life. I hope you're able to make it to adoration this week. I need to do that, too. I never did make it last week, and I really want to make it a weekly thing.

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  7. This is a beautiful reflection. I love the way you open up with us, many of whom have gotten our miracle and you could kick us all out. I wish I could say I dentify with this, but I really don't because during the whole time we were trying for M, I didn't have friends with kids. I didn't have friends. I sat alone in my house every day because I was too sad to live my life. Praise God that you are living and finding grace amid the pain. You are a truly beautiful woman.

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  8. I completely agree, especially about the friendships you are missing out on. It's one thing for mothers to say of course we can be friends, with Christ at the center of our friendship... but when things get so tough for us that literally months and years go by where we are TOO PAINED to even speak to them... what kind of a friendship is that?? Of COURSE we're missing out!! And I can't stand it :(

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  9. I'm so sorry that it was so hard for you yesterday. I wouldn't have been able to handle that situation AT ALL! I would have done the exact same thing. I have done (am still kind-of doing) what Sarah is ... sitting inside, waiting to live my life.
    It's a great thing to be able to tune things out. Sometimes it works for me at Adoration and sometimes it doesn't, but I always try. Too much going on inside that I wish I could just mute sometimes.

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  10. I'm sorry you're struggling. I think about what I'm missing, too because of IF. Sure, baby smiles are great and getting all the wonderful, charming questions from the mouths of babes is priceless. However, you're also not getting screaming tantrums, constant whining, defiance, worrying about the kinds of kids your teenager is hanging out with. This is not to say children are not miracles, they are but no miracle is without struggle and pain, just like IF, ironically.

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  11. It hurts my heart to know that you're hurting. We lost touch with one of CH's cousins because we had children and she didn't. It was a very sad time in our lives; our kids didn't have the privilege of getting to know her.

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  12. I have so been there. Let's just say that as much as I love November, I do not like being around her mom friends and their babies. It reminds me what side of the line I'm really on.

    Your running is so awesome. You've been inspiring me to find more physically challenging things to do! Ok, so playing Wii Resort Sports is not that challenging, but it's a start for this lazy bum!

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  13. I have left too many gatherings to count and skipped out on others all together. What's weird too is the people who come out of the woodwork when you are PG. All of a sudden now we have things in "common" but before we barely talked. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, it's strange.

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    Replies
    1. Ania, Hebrews wrote a really excellent post about this when she was pregnant... something about "Where were you when I was IF?" - you may want to read that, I think you'd agree ;)

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    2. It's interesting you mention this Ania because as I sat there, pretty much invisible to the moms it occurred to me "if I had a child they'd be talking to me too." It was that thought that cause my anxiety to peak and led to me absolutely having to leave.

      And I agree with TCIE - Hebrews post on this topic is great.

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    3. I remember this post now that you mention it. Hebrews did a great job expressing the strangeness.

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  14. You are an amazing woman with a huge heart. I love your honesty, and I admire you for so many abilities and gifts that I do not have!

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  15. Ditto to what Leila said! You are one special lady, and you are always in my prayers. Also, 7 miles is about 5 miles farther than I've ever run. :) Go you!

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  16. I'm sitting here wishing I had some great words of wisdom to give you, but you by far are one of the wisest women I know. I'm so glad that you have an outlet to work off some of the frustrations. It may never take away all of the pain, but at least for a small point in time, it goes away.

    Hugs!

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  17. I'm praying for you Rebecca.

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  18. Thank you. I am just catching up with your blog today (most I've abandoned for the summer) and this is the perfect follow up to my realization yesterday that I just need to make Adoration happen. I'm not sure how, but it needs to happen because running alone is never enough.

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