6.22.2012

Frustrated.

And frankly, a little bit angry.

Remember back in February when I got all bold and cocky about no more BB? 

That would be called counting my chickens before the hatched. Or putting the cart before the horse. Or getting my hopes up. Or. or. or.

And now, it's getting, if possible, worse. Or at the very least weirder.

The rest of this post crosses right on over the TMI line. Consider yourself warned (and feel free to leave).

Today is CD1, I knew it was coming because yesterday, on P+13 there was some very light brown spotting. Lovely. I take prometrium until P+12 and the last two cycles I barely make it through P+13 (if at all).

And today. It's not just brown, but black bleeding. Seriously, if there wasn't an option on my charts for that I'd have freaked out. Now, I've had some pretty dark brown before, maybe a touch of black. But all black? With a clump? Yuck. And annoying. And gross.

Henceforth, if a distinction is needed brown bleeding will be BrB and black will be BlB. I just love that I have to make this distinctions.

As if that's not enough, I've also had some lovely BrB on peak and the first couple of days before and after.

I did see my regular doctor, asked for a urinalysis and urine culture - because I'm very prone to UTIs and thought maybe we should check things out when there were no symptoms. The culture was negative. The urinalysis indicated some white blood cells. She thinks maybe a yea.st infection - prescribed diflucan (sp?). Seriously? A yea.st infection in my urinary tract? Gross. Oh and symptoms? I've got none.

I decided to wait on taking the meds until I started this cycle. You know, just in case. Because there's always hope. I'll take it (just one dose) with my breakfast tomorrow...or maybe with my wine tonight. (I'm kidding. Well, about taking the meds with the wine - not about the wine.)

So, it's CD1. I'm beyond frustrated that the BB (all of it) has returned.  (Yes, even the TEBB came back last cycle. I'm sure it will be making an appearance this time next week too.)

I'm angry. Partly at myself for getting my hopes up that the BB was really gone. Partly that I have to deal with this. And partly that I'm not handling it better. As I type this, I can feel my heart pounding, and the adrenaline pumping, I just want to scream.

I scheduled my appointment with Dr. D. (Dr. S.'s partner that he recommended I see.) When I scheduled it, I really hoped I'd get to cancel it. That hope is entirely gone - even though the appointment isn't for 2 more months.)

If our "first try" had been successful, we'd be celebrating a 1st birthday this month. Oh, how silly and stupid I was.

Thank goodness it's cooler than 90 degrees outside, because if I don't get to run outside for a long time tonight, I will crack up.

I'm trying hard to offer this all up, for all of you who are still waiting, especially those who have been waiting for so much longer than me. There has to be, absolutely MUST be, something good that comes of all of this for someone. For one of you. Somehow.

19 comments:

  1. I will be really interested to see if you can crack the BB, because I NEVER had it mid-cycle... then all of a sudden a few years ago, it started coming every cycle. Dr. S didn't seem concerned at first, but then he started looking in to it - right before he retired. So I didn't really get anywhere with it. And now, I can't remember if that was what triggered my ultrasound series scans.

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  2. I am frustrated for you. Run tonight and enjoy that wine. I ran 4 miles this morning and for some reason linked 4 miles up with my 4 years of TTC. Not a good idea. The run didn't go so well.

    I have no insight about the black bleeding.

    I wish we lived closer. I think we both need each other this weekend with regards to this TTC roller coaster. A glass of wine over dinner sounds perfect.

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  3. Hugs, enjoy your run and the wine. Will pray answers are forthcoming if you don't end up having to cancel the appointment.

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  4. I am interested, too, to find out what--if anything--you find out about the BB mid-cycle (on PEAK).

    I have a history of mid-cycle spotting and actual bleeding. My doctor diagnosed hormone imbalance (heavy estrogen) and that is why I take prometrium for 10 days post ovulation. But you're doing that...maybe you need more (how much Prometrium do you take?) ? Not sure. I hope you are able to find out.

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  5. I hope your doctor figures this out. I am curious to see what he/se says. Dr. H had eradicated that for me, or so I thought, and then started having random BB and red spotting the last few cycles before I got pregnant.

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  6. I had similar thoughts to Michelle... mid-cycle bleeding could be hormone imbalance. Are they doing regular cycle reviews with you to see if your meds are the right dosages? BB can also be associated with low-grade infections too. If it helps at all, I've had mid-cycle bleeding too (mine was also associated with high estrogen/meds needing tweaking). Um, yeah, I just HATE this for you. Praying.

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  7. I am beyond frustrated for you. Seriously. This crap needs to come to an end. I've given up for my fertility ever returning (or shall I say, arriving??) but I would like to at least see my friends' fertility improve, dammit!!

    Ughhh. I'm so sorry. I'll join you for wine.

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  8. :( So sorry sweetie. Wish I could say something comforting. I will pray.

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  9. I had trouble with BB post op, my cycles took forever to "normalize" . Hoping Dr. D can help!

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  10. That IS weird! How frustrating. Hopefully the docs can figure it all out. I had to be on diflucan too for some yeast-type infection, but I didn't have any symptoms either. Did they put your DH on it too? We both had to take the meds b/c the infection can be passed back and forth. I think I was on it several times. Praying for ya!

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  11. So strange, so frustrating! And I'm sorry about those dates. They really suck, don't they? I've had so many of those that I've passed, and no matter how much you try not to think about them, you can't not notice them. (How's that for some awesome grammar?) Praying for you, friend!

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  12. From the little bit I know, I agree with the others who say hormonal imbalance could be a cause of this?? If u need anything, CALL!

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  13. So sorry this is happening. I hate having to put weird things like that on my chart. Just a tangible reminder that what is happening in our bodies is real. Praying you find the cause and it goes away.

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  14. UGH!! So very un-fun!! So sorry you are dealing with this!! I used to have more BB but have less now. Hope those docs figure this out soon so you won't have to worry about it anymore! Praying for you!

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  15. In case you read this in a few days when embracing hope is helpful... I know that CrMS puts a lot of stock in figuring out BB and making it go away, but my mother (you know, *crazy* fertile woman) taught me that brown bleeding was just old blood that hadn't been shed completely in the last menstruation and was perfectly normal. That isn't to say that I think she was technically correct, just that BB in itself can be "normal" even for very fertile women. So maybe it is a sign of a problem that needs to be fixed, and hopefully your new doctor will have a solution. But how can we ever know these things?

    Maybe I just like excuses for ignoring CrMS since they can't fix me anyway, but sometimes it is comforting to think that maybe BB is just a sign that my body is being gross, and nothing more.

    You know what would be really good? Mixing wine with running. They do it with beer, why not wine?!

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  16. I don't have anything to add, but I do have lots of prayers for you! Go away BB!!!

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  17. BB is THE DEVIL!!! I've never had black bleeding before, but always have brown bleeding. I've not found a reason for it either. I hope you enjoyed your wine (and your run). It is so very frustrating to take so many steps back, just when you think something is crossed off of the list.
    Keeping you in my prayers!

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  18. I'm, as always, praying for you!

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