And frankly, a little bit angry.
Remember back in February when I got all bold and cocky about no more BB?
That would be called counting my chickens before the hatched. Or putting the cart before the horse. Or getting my hopes up. Or. or. or.
And now, it's getting, if possible, worse. Or at the very least weirder.
The rest of this post crosses right on over the TMI line. Consider yourself warned (and feel free to leave).
Today is CD1, I knew it was coming because yesterday, on P+13 there was some very light brown spotting. Lovely. I take prometrium until P+12 and the last two cycles I barely make it through P+13 (if at all).
And today. It's not just brown, but black bleeding. Seriously, if there wasn't an option on my charts for that I'd have freaked out. Now, I've had some pretty dark brown before, maybe a touch of black. But all black? With a clump? Yuck. And annoying. And gross.
Henceforth, if a distinction is needed brown bleeding will be BrB and black will be BlB. I just love that I have to make this distinctions.
As if that's not enough, I've also had some lovely BrB on peak and the first couple of days before and after.
I did see my regular doctor, asked for a urinalysis and urine culture - because I'm very prone to UTIs and thought maybe we should check things out when there were no symptoms. The culture was negative. The urinalysis indicated some white blood cells. She thinks maybe a yea.st infection - prescribed diflucan (sp?). Seriously? A yea.st infection in my urinary tract? Gross. Oh and symptoms? I've got none.
I decided to wait on taking the meds until I started this cycle. You know, just in case. Because there's always hope. I'll take it (just one dose) with my breakfast tomorrow...or maybe with my wine tonight. (I'm kidding. Well, about taking the meds with the wine - not about the wine.)
So, it's CD1. I'm beyond frustrated that the BB (all of it) has returned. (Yes, even the TEBB came back last cycle. I'm sure it will be making an appearance this time next week too.)
I'm angry. Partly at myself for getting my hopes up that the BB was really gone. Partly that I have to deal with this. And partly that I'm not handling it better. As I type this, I can feel my heart pounding, and the adrenaline pumping, I just want to scream.
I scheduled my appointment with Dr. D. (Dr. S.'s partner that he recommended I see.) When I scheduled it, I really hoped I'd get to cancel it. That hope is entirely gone - even though the appointment isn't for 2 more months.)
If our "first try" had been successful, we'd be celebrating a 1st birthday this month. Oh, how silly and stupid I was.
Thank goodness it's cooler than 90 degrees outside, because if I don't get to run outside for a long time tonight, I will crack up.
I'm trying hard to offer this all up, for all of you who are still waiting, especially those who have been waiting for so much longer than me. There has to be, absolutely MUST be, something good that comes of all of this for someone. For one of you. Somehow.