5.26.2012

Well that Explains It

As I was feeling myself unraveling on Friday, it never occurred to me that it was going to turn into CD1. It was only P+13 and usually the prometrium gets me to P+15 and my temp hadn't dropped yet. But just a few hours after hitting publish there was some light spotting, and then Saturday morning, there was no doubt.

So, that explains it. A bit.

I started to just brush it off and blame it all on CD1, until I thought about the fact I've been feeling like this for a couple of weeks, so it couldn't just be CD1. So, I've made a few changes and I think this will help. I'm going to share them here, because I know the idea of changing up how I list the blogs came from TCIE's explanation long ago of why blogs are listed on her site the way they are, so maybe what I'm doing will help one of you too.

First, I have to say thank-you for all of your sweet, kind, loving comments on my last post. I really wouldn't have been surprised if you'd all just decided I was mean and you didn't need my negativity in your life. So, thank-you for loving me even when I was being, well, grouchy.

Second, I had already contacted Kelsey about doing a tiny bit of a tweak to the blog layout, so it was a good time to sit down and really think about what this here blog is for and why I come here in the first place. So, if you happen to be reading this in a reader or on your phone, please visit the full site and check out the new header - the only really obvious change. Once again, Kelsey did an awesome job! The cross and quote in the picture are a gift from my friend Kate, the cross was handmade by her. I still haven't been able to tell her in person how much it meant to me, but I've emailed and I hope it's presence front and center here is further proof of my gratitude. That quote - wow. Just. wow.

Third, I did take the time to go through my blog list and make two categories of blogs. I think I'd been putting it off because somehow my anal particular self thought I needed categories for every kind of blogger - ex. infertiles, singles, mommies, general, photo, etc. But I came to the realization that 2 categories would work - one for those still waiting (for either a spouse or a child - including those who have chosen to remain childless) and one for everyone else. Titles of recent posts will be included in the first group "Our Hope is in the Lord" and just the name of the blog and date of most recent post will be included in the second group "Places to go, People to see."

Fourth, I organized my Google Reader into folders - very similar to the categories on the sidebar here. This way, I won't miss any good news or sweet pictures, but at the same time I can choose to look at them when I'm up to it and not end up feeling less than charitable towards people I love when I'm not.

Fifth, as sad as I am to say this, Thankful Thursday will not necessarily be every single week. I started it out of a desire to help keep myself focused on the positive things in my life, to regain my positive outlook. But, sadly, as I'm posting it now I find myself thinking horrible things like "hmmm, someday it would be really nice to say I'm grateful for a BFP, but that won't happen." and also little negative things about all of the positive things I list (see last week's snarky comment about wishing my body would work for evidence of this.)  While I firmly believe an attitude of gratitude is extremely important, I also realize that I can't force it. So, please don't stop your awesome Thankful Thursday posts if you feel like you want to keep doing them every week...and I promise not to stop doing them all together, I just need to remove the pressure of having to do it every single week.

And last, I think I need to stretch myself. I have so many half-started posts both in my drafts and in my head that talk in more depth about faith and my faith experiences with IF. I think I need to work on them and get them out. I need to go down this path of asking why? Of being willing to accept I will probably never get an answer in this life. And of facing what that means for moving forward. This also includes some frank posts about what comes next for The Man and me on this road - what is the next route we take and when do we stop?

Thank-you for being here. For praying for us. And for being patient with me as I figure out what this all looks like.

17 comments:

  1. I really enjoy reading your blog! I love the new two sections. Looks great! Praying for you!

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  2. Just sending you a virtual hug, dear friend. You are such a beautiful person!!

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  3. What an emotional rollercoaster we are on! It's comforting to know we are not alone throughout these ups and downs. We are in good company and being honest with ourselves can be some of the best medicine there is. I continue to pray for you!

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  4. Love, love you tons. So much of what you've written has been extrmely helpful to me. I'm glad you're finding a balance that brings you peace. I hated the "when do we stop" convo. Praying your BFP is close, I have hope for you.

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  5. Looks wonderful (love me some Kathleen Norris), hope the changes brings you improved peace and happiness.

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  6. Glad that you moved quickly to make those changes! Having that folder would still be to much of a reminder for me but I'm glad you've found something that works for you and helps you be where you are. My only comment is having a child or gaining a spouse doesn't mean you hope is no longer in the lord! At least it shouldn't.

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    1. Yea, I was afraid it would give that impression - that I didn't think those of you who've had your prayers answered (in the way you wanted...of course our prayers are always answered, sometimes it's a 'no') still had hope in the Lord...hmmm, gotta work on new titles - but for now, the separation was the main goal.

      I'm also glad you said that about the folders - I should've mentioned I hid the unread counts also - so I really can ignore any folder unless I want to open it - that was the only way to make the separate folders enough for me.

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    2. Oh that's good about hiding it! Yeah its not like your other section is "their hope is no longer in the lord" so, take from my comment what you will and ignore the rest :)

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    3. Maybe call the other section "Have their babies and no longer need God"
      Lol KIDDING!

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  7. I am glad you are finding something new that works for you! Your last post made me sad, but just in a way that my heart hurt for you and all of us waiting on this IF journey. Those not so great days happen to us all and it is your honesty in sharing your feelings that reminds us that we are not alone! Hope you don't ever feel like you have to hide your true feelings just to not be a "broken record" (Most of this I should have written on your last post..sry!) Just wanted to say I enjoy reading your blog and I will keep praying for you!

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  8. I'm glad you've found some ways to reorganize. Personally, I love how you did it!

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  9. Wow. You've given this a lot of thought! I had no idea you could organize google reader into folders! Gonna have to look into that!

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  10. I'm glad you found a way. I feel like the other poster, in that my heart hurts for you, too. I agree that you shouldn't worry about sounding like a "broken record" I am sure I do that with certain musings of my own. The fact of the matter is that when things are important to us and when we have our hopes, we're going to revisit those things. I feel like the things you have written have helped me to get some understanding and grow in compassion for the cross that you bear.

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  11. I'm sorry about Cd1...and that it's been tough recently. You've definitely been ony mind extra and so I've been offering up more prayers for you!

    I need to organize my blog...maybe one day! ;) Good for you though!!

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  12. I have nothing to compare your previous header to, so I like it! ;)

    Thanks for visiting my blog! It's nice to get new readers - especially those who are from #cathsorority!! I just love how that community has grown and fostered one another! So welcome aboard! I look forward to reading more posts and getting to know you better!

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  13. Sometimes in this IF journey one of the most important things we can work on is "self preservation". There are so many battles to be fought that finding ways to deal better with things that get "thrown in our faces" is a smart move. It seems you are doing it well. Great job reorganizing!

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  14. I like the two sections of blogs. Great idea! And the folders in Goo.gle Reader. I didn't know you could do that. Hmmm, I'm always learning.
    I have continued prayers for you. I just wish I could be of more help and comfort, but feel helpless. I always admire your honesty in your posts and thank you for being so real about what you are going through.
    LOVE your new header!

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