5.25.2012

A New Way

I'm not really sure how to categorize my feelings of the past weeks. I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of baby-everything that seems to be surrounding me. FB is becoming even worse of a nightmare than usual and I finally had to turn off the recent titles of posts in my blog roll to the right. I really need to separate them into categories, but that requires time and concentration.

There is a piece of me that is feeling so left behind. So left out. So much more alone than ever before. While I'm so happy for every. single. one. of you who have babies in your bellies or in your arms, I'm finding that coming here and going through my reader just isn't the same. And when I sit down to write, I feel like a broken record, so I'm sure I sound just like one too. Thankful Thursdays have even lost their luster.

And then I realize there are still plenty of others who are still waiting and have been waiting so. much. longer. than me, and I become very aware that I need to get over myself. Yet, this is even different too. Instead of finding hope and inspiration in your stories of perseverence, I'm only seeing the truth of how long this just might go on; of the pain that lies ahead. And I'm so angry that any of us ever had to experience even one moment of this.

I'm lost for words when wanting to comment. I'm lost for tact and perspective when writing here. (If you could only see the draft posts...well, let's just say it's better you can't see them...)

I know I can't give up this place; I know for a fact I might just go crazy if I do that. And yet, I have to find a new way to do this. A way to do this where I feel better rather than worse; where I have hope rather than more doubts; where I find strength not fear.

21 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. I've been praying for you. I really hope everything works out. God will provide!

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  2. R, this just breaks my heart! I feel so terrible that my situation must be hurting yours. Take a break if you need it. I did all the time when new announcements popped up. I care about you a lot and am praying!

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  3. I am angry on your behalf. I hate that you are going through this. :( I know the incredible pain of feeling like peers have passed you by. Don't worry about hurting people's feelings if you need a break... praying for you.

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  4. IF is just so hard. I have found great peace in praying the seven sorrows of Mary, She had it hard, too. Praying for you.

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  5. I always feel scared to comment. I hope that you can shape the blog-space that works best for you.

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  6. Take a break if you need to, Rebecca. We will all understand. I have been there so many times. My feelings lately can only be described as being "numb." I am not sad but I haven't been feeling optimistic either. I pray you get some answers soon.

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  7. Oh Rebecca, this breaks my heart. If you need a break though, we will understand. I just HATE that you are going through this. I am praying SO MUCH for you, dear friend. Wish I could be there in person to give you a big hug...

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  8. R, I'm praying for you every day. We still have to plan when to get together! I can't wait!

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  9. Please dont ever feel like you have to preface a statement with "I'm so happy for you all but.." because we have all been there, not in your exact situation but been waiting like you are and remember those feelings...and ones probably worse than what you're feeling because you are more inately caring and loving than I am. Breaks are good. I got to a point where I took everyone who was pregnant or with babies off my reader because I could go looking for them when I felt up to it, but my default reason for the blog world at that point was comfort and not feeling isolated. Baby blogs didnt provide that. Lastly, someone wise said something to me once that was hard to hear (several years - 4 I think? - infertile and then an adoption/pregnancy combo) because i wanted that miracle, that pregnancy and i wanted it NOW. But all these miracles you see around you aren't signs of your being left behind but signals that your miraculous story is also unfolding as we speak. It may not be the same as the ones you see but its happening and it is a miracle and if you cant see or understand it today, know that doesnt take it away. Love you so much and I pray for you and C daily.

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  10. Praying for you. Praying for you hard.

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  11. Praying for you, please take care, take a break, whatever you need. Always available by email.

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  12. Ditto to everything Alison said--she said it better than I ever could, so just count it double from me.

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  13. What you have written here is exactly what I have been feeling for some time. Each pregnancy/adoption announcement brings out mixed emotions and makes me feel left out of the race. I fear that my life is going to be the same and that I will never get to hold a baby in my arms. I know each person's story is different but how I wish I could fast-forward my life to the point where others have reached. How I long for the day to share some baby pics. Prayers for you and for all those who are waiting for a miracle.

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  14. Oh my gosh...I literally just started writing the same post today.

    I've been avoiding the blogs (including my own) like the plague.

    Wish I could give you a hug.

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  15. I know exactly how you feel, mainly because I've been feeling the same way.

    I'm continuing to pray for you!!!

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  16. You know, Rebecca, I find you so genuine and lovely. You are really a diamond. I love your blog because you're honest...and I love reading because you have a story to share...but more than that, you have a faith that resonates through your posts. The true test of our character is not how we are on our best days, but how we are on our worst...and with such kindness and humbleness, your character shines so beautifully in the face of challenge.

    They say that the greater the risk, the greater the reward. I'm constantly reminding myself when I pray for a husband. So, in some way, the Lord is complimenting us...there has to be a great risk for there to be a great reward. :)

    Pentecost is coming this Sunday! I'm prayerfully asking the Lord to breathe the Holy Spirit upon you, to bless you with His all-consuming Presence, and to answer your prayer.

    P.S. I really believe FB is mostly a lie. Like, last night, I went to a work party. I started talking to a woman I barely know, and the hostess came up for "Pic Time." This morning, On FB, it looks like I'm BFFs with this girl I hardly know. Ha! I'll I can do is laugh and sign out. :)

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  17. I had a comment started and then had to leave the computer...please know you are in my prayers and wow, the support and wisdom of these ladies is amazing! Thank you for being honest and open about where you are in your journey. Your faithfulness is inspiring. I love the image alison referred to- that your miracle is unfolding even if you can't see it right now. Praying you find peace soon. Looking forward to your upcoming posts. Good idea with the blogroll.

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  18. You don't have to get over yourself. IF hurts at every time point, whether it's been one year, two years, five years, etc. I've been feeling left behind a lot lately too. I hope you keep writing about what you're feeling, whether positive or negative. I appreciate it all. Wish I could give you a hug. :)

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  19. I have 148 drafts in my list of posts. No exaggeration. Sometimes, when I just need to write more or less the same thing over and over, I write it, but I don't publish it. I know I still repeat myself a lot on my blog, too, but imagine if I actually published them all! I know what you mean about commenting, too. Sometimes you just find yourself saying the same things over and over again, and it's hard to know what to add. I don't know how to fix it; I feel like my blog is boring from repetition or boring because I write about boring stuff in order to not be repetitious!

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  20. I understand. I separated my list of blogs into infertile, pregnant & blessed with babies ... And for a long time had the pregnant group of bloggers at the wayyyy bottom of my blog. It hurt too much to read them. It's harder to do that with goog.le reader, so I just used my blog home page and opened new windows for each post I wanted to read from my list of infertile blogs on my home page.
    It's totally ok for you to take a break from all things pregnant and babies. We have all done it.
    Alison said it best in her comment above. Know that you are in my prayers always.

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