4.30.2012

Except.

This past weekend (long weekend really, it all started on Thursday and ended today) was amazing.

13 engaged couples attended their Preparing for Christian Marriage retreat; and 2 signed up for NFP classes with The Man and me!

4 couples were trained and certified as NFP Teachers (with some directed teaching to come)

Much time was spent with dear friends Joe and Cinda.

A baby Moonhead was born!!!

And, even though it happened earlier in the week, Isaiah brought home sweet Caleb!!!

It's been a beautiful, marriage-enriching, life-affirming week.

Except.

Yep. I'm sure you guessed it. AF arrived on Saturday morning. The perfect end to IF Awareness Week.

I had to bury the emotions way down deep this time - there was no time for really letting in what this means during the days: I had to be focused on the 18 other couples who needed me present and willing to share our NFP witness; willing to speak about our IF journey and able to do so without losing it; able to stay focused on the plethora of information being presented to me. And at night, I was frankly too tired to care about anything - a small blessing, I'm sure.

Oh yea, The Man and I taught NFP Class #3 tonight too - you know the one that talks about breastfeeding, the miracle of children, and the pain of infertility. Yep.

And now, as I sit here, tired and contemplating going to bed, I can feel the emotions boiling and rising to the surface. I can feel the pit in my stomach becoming a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. It's time for the next step. The next phone call. The next appointment to be made. No, the actual appointment won't be for a few months, but it's time to make the call.

I know there are graces in this cross. I know my prayer for grace has been answered. But right now, tonight when it's all boiling over I hate it all. I'm selfish and weak and I want my turn. I don't want to call the doctor; I don't want to ask if my recurrent UTIs have anything to do with the IF; I don't want to start checking my thyroid and my vitamin D; I don't want to track my ovulation with ultrasounds. I want to make love with The Man and get pregnant and have a baby. Who knew that was such a large request?

I want to have all of this weekend without an "except" at the end.

16 comments:

  1. Oh, Rebecca, I am so sorry you are going through this. I hate AF. And I so want it to be your turn!!! Hugs, sweet friend. I'm praying for you.

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  2. AF is a big fat jerk. :( It is okay to have those days where you feel selfish and want your turn...it doesn't make you weak, it makes you normal. I agree, it does feel very unfair that some people blink and are pregnant, and some have to chart, have surgery, take this med or that med, this test or that test, and schedule those intimate moments. You are in my prayers daily!!

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  3. I'm with Isaiah, I really want it to be your turn, too! And there are graces, but sometimes you just have to try to survive the moment.

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  4. I've been where you are...more times than I want to admit. Hugs! I'm praying for you too.

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  5. I wish I had encouraging words for you, but after my u/s series I'm hard pressed for positivity. Ugh that wand is so far from anything foreplay related. I also wish I could embrace this cross, but the only grace I've found are the friends I've made like you. Hoping better days are ahead for you my friend. Praying it's soon your turn.

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  6. I'm right there with you. I wish so much that we didn't have to chart, take meds, have surgeries and time everything. I am so done with it all!

    Continued prayers for you, I know that AF isn't too far behind for me as well. I want us to be so much more than cycle buddies!

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  7. I'm so sorry. You are doing amazing work for the Lord and for the pro life movement through NFP. All while carrying your very heavy cross. Amazing. Praying for your turn to come very very soon.

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  8. Continued prayers, and love. Glad the weekend went well 'except' ~ may the good work continue and your turn come very soon!!

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  9. You are amazing. Your witness is definitely being used for good. But I am so sorry you are having to make this phone call and endure these tests... praying for you.

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  10. You are so brave for making it through the weekend after AF's arrival! Especially having to talk about the "hard stuff" in the NFP course. The phone call making, drug taking and ultra sounding all.the.time is draining. I wish and pray that you will get pregnant soon!!! ((((hugs))))

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  11. Oh, I wish I could give you a hug right now. Praying your turn comes soon!

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  12. I also wish I could hug you right now, sweet friend. I want you to have your turn, too. You are such a powerful witness. Continued love and prayers for you.

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  13. I am so sorry :(

    My prayer for you is to recognize that it IS your turn. Right now. It is YOU He is with, YOU He has blessed. No matter what other blessings are in your future... this time is something no one else has. That time right before bed, when the emotions you'd been burying deep that only He could see are coming to the surface. That is JUST about YOU. And Him. A beautiful moment to share that others should be envious of ;)
    Bless your soul. You are doing this so wonderfully.

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