3.31.2012

Why I Need Your Stories

There has been so much happy pregnancy-and-adoption-related news on the blogs lately. It is to be expected in a world of women posting about TTC and their struggles and their hopes and prayers.

And then Jenny had this to say about why she's been so quiet (I'd been wondering what was going on :)!). And, I think, her honesty and her vulnerability reminds us all why we love this community so much. It is the ONE place we can come and be ourselves. Share how we really feel and receive encouragement and prayers.

But, Jenny is also right. For so many of us (and frankly for so many of you who have been waiting so much longer than me), these posts about babies and pregnancy can hurt. I also agree that very often I look forward to reading about those who have crossed over and their journeys. It is a great source of hope many days. I love reading joy in places where there was hurt and sorrow, it is proof of the resurrection; proof that the cross is not the end.

Other times though, it is just too much. For me, this week, it was all too much. CD1 arrived, a first grandbaby was born to the person in the cube beside me, I gave an interview (general, not personal, but still) about Infertility Awareness Week, lots of baby-joy in blogland, and I realized that no, I will still not be pregnant when I turn 33 in a couple of weeks. It has been one of those weeks where all of the things I want seemed to be so much greater and louder than all of the things I have.

And on Jenny's post, TCIE said it all so beautifully (much better than I could ever dream of), but this part was what said most closely to what I was thinking at the time: "when they know they cannot handle more, they will make the choice not to read." Yes! That is exactly what I do. When I know that I'm at my breaking point, when I can't read or hear one more word about babies or pregnancy or children, I choose not to read. I star the post in my reader and I come back to it, because I know that given a few days, a glass of wine, and some more balanced hormones I will want to read about the joy. I will want to have my hope restored. Most importantly, I will want to celebrate with you; to pray with you; and to remain connected.

So friends, you who have passed over, who are sharing about your journeys, please keep writing. Yes, some days it will be too painful to read, but other days it is the best medicine there is. Please understand that if I don't comment for a few days it has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. If I've learned nothing else on this road, it is that what I feel today will most likely change within a week; that the emotions I can't fathom ever having again (be it joy or sorrow) will come back and the cycle will continue. I need your stories of hope, of joy, of success to encourage me just as badly as I need the stories of sadness, frustration, and fear to let me know I'm not alone.

17 comments:

  1. You are so right about this blogging community. Each time I see a pregnancy announcement & pics of cute blogger babies, it gives me so much hope - a glimpse of what our future will be like one day!

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  2. Beautifully said.
    And let's not forget that we, too, have so much to offer to those who have crossed over. Our support and strength from the trenches helps them daily to be the best mothers they can be.

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  3. I agree with TCIE...we need your stories too. She's absolutely right.

    This post is beautiful, and so are you. You are in my prayers daily!

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  4. Beautiful post Rebecca and I really appreciate it. You have such a beautiful heart and soul to write this even in the midst of your pain. Thank you.

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  5. I just gave up our adoption journey after 2 years, at least temporarily, until we move again. I'm strangely at peace about it (which I would not have been a few months ago when I was still clinging to the hope). I totally know how it feels. I celebrate with those who have become mothers and I still cry and think, "Okay, God, what about me?"

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  6. I find these two quotes from your post really hit home for me:

    'It has been one of those weeks where all of the things I want seemed to be so much greater and louder than all of the things I have.'

    I have been in this place so much lately. Today I prayed a rosary for surrender, thinking of a different image or phrase for each of the 5 decades (clay on the potter's wheel; Mary's response of 'I am the handmaiden of the Lord' Jesus praying 'Nevertheless, let your will and not mine be done' etc. As much as I desire to surrender and rejoice, so often I am stuck in how many things in the life I am given, are difficult or not what I had hoped for.

    'I need your stories of hope, of joy, of success to encourage me just as badly as I need the stories of sadness, frustration, and fear to let me know I'm not alone.'

    Wow - insight into why I blog and read blogs. I suppose it should have been obvious to me before but your way of phrasing it made me realize - blog land can encourage me as well as let me know I am not alone.

    I hope that the pain you are going through now will open the way for that much more poignant a joy to come.

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  7. What a great post! I wish that I could be half as generous as you! :)

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  8. Your last sentence sums everything up perfectly! Not feeling alone and gaining encouragement are exactly the reasons I come to this blog world! I too feel so much joy when an IFer crosses over and I have learned so much reading about their emotions involved with becoming pg after IF. Also, we know that everyone understands when we do have to step back sometimes. No matter what point before or after IF, it certainly seems to come with complex emotions! Still praying that your time is coming very soon!

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  9. I realize how difficult it can be to read about babies when you're struggling to have one of your own. I say a little prayer each time I see a comment from you that one day I will be reading about your babies. Hugs!

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  10. I am in 100% agreement with you. Some days the success stories are just what I need to read. While other days I skip over those posts. Regardless, I am grateful for each and every one of the ladies in this blogging community. I have learned so much about myself and will be forever grateful for the prayers and support. Thank you for sharing, Rebecca. Beautiful post.

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  11. Agree, agree, agree!! Beautiful reflection on why I keep reading....

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  12. What a beautiful, generous post!

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  13. Good for you for knowing when you can't handle reading! There's no need to torture yourself.

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  14. Just beautiful and well said. This is exactly how I feel, but I couldn't have said it as well as you. Sometimes, those of us still waiting and hoping just need to take a break, but I love having the stories of hope to read when I return from my break. :) They really are inspiring and help me keep going.

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  15. It is totally in my nature to do the same thing. You are right, some days are better than others.
    Beautifully said!

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  16. This post and Jenny's linked post really resonated and actually answered a comment I made on an earlier post. I, too, started out like Jenny which is why I even knew of certain communities, books, and the Jones Institute in the first place. Since BFP, the emotions have run the gamut parallel to Jenny's. It was definitely helpful and I bookmarked it. I don't lose site of where it all started, and I'm grateful for sites like this and retreats that I can spread to others.

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