To My Knees

And just like that, the comfort of the darkness of Lent washed away and I was brought to my knees with the grief of it all. Yes, I realize that at CD5, I should be feeling better, but I'm a little slow, and thick-headed, sometimes. No, I did not spend the last 5 days thinking I could be pregnant, but I did spend them so busy I barely had time to stop or think.
And then there was my prayer meeting.
And then the drive home.
And then the tears. Again.
I have been brought to tears many times since starting on this road. But this was the first time I felt physically pulled to my knees by the weight of it. Physically. I went into our spare bedroom, the room that is meant for a baby - it has the closet with the afghan made by my great-grandma; the dresser that was my godmothers and then mine; and the rocking chair and bed that belonged to my great-grandma. It even has a child's night-time prayer on the wall and a crucifix suitable for a child's room. It has everything but the baby.
These things have been moving with me since I started college.
They've had their place in another room; in another house.
Even when my words and my surface feelings were ones of not wanting children, all of the plans and signs were there. The dresser was waiting; the rocking chair eagerly accepted; the afghan taken to save for a little girl someday.
And last night, for the first time, I allowed myself to go into that room and see it. Really see it. The dresser waiting to be refinished. The rocking chair waiting for new cushions. The afghan folded neatly on the shelf in the closet. I allowed myself to really see and consider it all. And to realize how badly it hurts that it hasn't happened. That there is no guarantee it will happen.
I have spent many hours in prayer on this journey; on my knees at church, in bed, in the shower, in the car. But today, I was pulled out of the rocking chair and to my knees in the middle of a room-that-isn't.

And I saw/pictured/felt (there just isn't a "right" word) Jesus behind me. Placing a hand on my back and looking upon me with gentle eyes, full of the same hurt that I feel. Reminding me that even when it doesn't feel like it, He is with me.

I was given a journal by Alison a while back. I knew as soon as I saw it what I would use it for: Letters to the baby we are hoping and praying for. I have only written in it twice. But now I know I will write in it more. I will do it in the room that is waiting. And I will tell the story of how the Grace of God and His Beloved Son are carrying me through.

Prayer buddy, I'm offerring this all up for you. Praying that whatever part of your house is waiting is filled soon. And to my prayer buddy, you must be doing some amazing praying because that image was so real and from so outside of me and exactly what I needed...thank-you.


  1. My heart breaks for you Rebecca. We don't have much for our future baby, but I can barely go into the room that is supposed to be our nursery.

    Continued prayers for you!!!!

  2. Days like that are so hard. Praying your room and all the items waiting to be used are put to their purpose very, very soon. May Jesus continue to make His presence felt to you.

  3. I have one of those rooms. I keep the door closed because it is too sad for me. Like you said, everything is there except for the baby. I pray that one day all of us who are still waiting have our beautiful little bundles of joy and are busy posting cute pics all over our blogs! :)

  4. Way to make me cry at work!!

    This is written so well. And I felt my pain, through yours. I envisioned doing the exact same things... that I haven't allowed myself to do in so long.
    There is no greater love than this. None.

  5. I can't imagine this pain you feel and I wish I could remove it, but I am so glad you feel the love of Jesus through it all. This is beautifully written and stirred my heart. Love and prayers...and more love for you.

  6. What a beautiful post. He is with you, Rebecca. He is carrying you through these sad times. I know how badly it hurts and I know that the dark days seem impossible at times. God will continue to lead the way for you. Many prayers for you, Rebecca.

  7. I'm glad Jesus was with you and you could feel Him! So often, although we know He is there, it still feels like we're on this journey alone. I pray that this is the last of your IF journey ... this is the dark before the dawn. It is so hard to wait for the children we cannot have.
    Praying for you!

  8. You wrote your feelings out so well Rebecca. Your pain is so palpable. And your experience with Jesus is so beautiful.

  9. I know He's always there, but I'm so glad you were allowed to feel His presence in the midst of all this. Praying for you, my friend!

  10. My eyes filled with tears as I read this. He is truly with you through it all. I pray your room will be used very soon!

  11. I thank God for the grace you had to feel Jesus there with you - though at the same time, I wish you did not have to go through this pain and suffering. I hope you will soon be able to put the room to the use that you so greatly desire ... in the meantime, you are so in touch with your pain, and using it to help bring you along the path of faith - I find that courageous to do, entering into the suffering instead of finding ways to avoid it.

  12. Such a beautiful reflection.
    I admire your courage to go into that room and let yourself feel the pain and sadness. When I start feeling really down, my instinct is to avoid the pain and distract myself. It sounds like you really are embracing your suffering and God wants you to feel His presence! I am praying that room will be filled very soon!

  13. Sighing. Finally catching up on blogs and am lingering over yours. Reading and re-reading and aching for you. Praying for you. Thankful for the tender moment of Jesus' presence.

  14. Our nursery is a tough place for me too. I've used it as a prayer room but lately it's just been too hard to go in there. I don't keep a journal per se, but I do write letters to my babies on my blog. I feel like I'd like something like that from my Mom and am hoping our kiddos will like it too.