3.27.2012

Not Surprised.

Today should be P + 12, but instead it is CD1.

I'm not surprised. It still hurts, but really, it probably shouldn't. Oh, hope, you are a cruel temptress.

Truthfully, it's been a rough month.

Because of my work schedule and general life & marriage stresses, we were only able to use one "good" day, and it wasn't a "best" day, so I didn't really have high hopes for this month Though the hope is always there isn't it? I mean really, people get pregnant on less-than-perfect-days all the time right? Oh yea, they are fertile-mertiles, not IFers.

Then, combined with my piss-poor attitude about only using one "good" day and the whole "no BB and no headaches" last month, I kinda decided that I wanted to see if removing the endo from my ovaries would help with progesterone production and didn't take my P+3 - 12 prometrium this month either.

Still no brown bleeding, but an 11-day luteal phase is exactly what I did before surgery, so obviously that progesterone support is still needed. *sigh*

So yea. It's CD1. I'm not surprised. And yet, somehow a little tiny piece of me died again with the sight of the red on the toilet paper this morning.

I wish I had some sort of beautiful, Lenten reflection to go with this depressing update. I don't.

I feel the anger coming back. And if it weren't for a good conversation with The Man on Sunday night in which we worked out some stresses we'd both been having, I'm pretty sure I'd be in a much worse state than I am. So I am grateful for that.

I'm ready for Holy Week. I'm ready for the dark and sadness of Good Friday. And I sure hope that I find some joy on Easter. There is that whole resurrection thing to look forward to, right?

25 comments:

  1. Stupid AF!!

    Continued prayers for you!!!

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  2. Darnit. I'm so bummed with you. Offering prayers for you for a better day.

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  3. Rebecca, I'm sorry. I never know what to say, but feel like I should say something. Why is that? But anyway...Continued prayers for you, my friend. As an added bonus, I've added you to our Parish Prayer Box (these petitions are taken up on Wednesday nights (our "special" weekly lent Mass to help those of us who can't make it at 7:30 A.M. to get an extra Mass in) and the Mass is offered for all the intentions in the box.

    Love you and praying for you.

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  4. Seriously, Good Friday can't come soon enough!!!

    I'm so sorry :( Big hugs.

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  5. "I'm ready for Holy Week. I'm ready for the dark and sadness of Good Friday. And I sure hope that I find some joy on Easter." Oh, me too, friend. Thank goodness for Easter, right? There is no hope like that which we find in the ressurection of the Lord. And also, at least for me, indulging in Cadburry Eggs after a Lenten season devoid of chocolate. ;) Praying for you.

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  6. sending hugs and prayers your way. I'm ready for Holy Week and Easter, too! Bring on the basket of candy!

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  7. I am sorry, Rebecca. The pain can be so overwhelming. Continue talking with your husband. I will continue to pray.

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  8. I can relate to the sorrow of Good Friday, too. For some reason it is good for my soul.
    Don't forget that the progesterone has a cumulative effect, so please take it each month. It can also help your ovulations be stronger because your luteal phase is stronger.

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  9. So sorry, wrapping you best I can in hugs and prayers. Glad you and 'The Man' were able to talk through some of the stress. April, Holy Week and Easter is coming; remember God is rarely early but He is never late.

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  10. I am so sorry! :(
    Some months are harder-although it's always difficult. I really am sorry you are feeling this way. I'm slowly crawling from my not so happy place and somehow (who am I kidding, it's totally God!!) feeling hopeful again. I really do owe a lot of it to the powerful intercession of St. Gerard-I just started asking for his prayers again, and I am feeling them even more than ever before. I'll be praying for you and I will definitely ask St. Gerard to pray for you and your intentions.

    Hang in there, "it's always darkest before the dawn."

    Praying for you extra today!!

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  11. Hugs to you, my friend. I agree with looking forward to the darkness of Holy Week. Praying for you!

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  12. I'm so sorry Rebecca. I'm not on CD1, but my last hope for this cycle died with ultrasound this morning and seeing my "complex" unruptured follice. Ugh... continued prayers for you, friend! You're not alone.

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  13. Ugh CD1! I am also looking forward to Holy week and having a chance to really embrace the darkness. I think it's good to be in that place sometimes so the rejoicing is that much sweeter! So sorry :( Hope you feel better soon! Praying for you!

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  14. I'm so sorry! Praying for you, friend!

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  15. I am so sorry. CD1's are always the worst but don't give up!

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  16. I'm so sorry, Rebecca. :( Praying Holy Week is very blessed, and you get your "Easter" soon.

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  17. I'm ready for Good Friday too. I wouldn't mind if it was extended a few days. ;)

    You're right--even if you only use one fertile day, the hope is there. I've had regrets about how well we used the fertile days in past cycles, but I find it doesn't help to beat myself up about it after the cycle ends. A new cycle means a fresh start. :) Praying for you!

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  18. Rebecca, I wish I had something meaningful to say too, but I can only offer my prayers and my hugs virtually. I admire so much your willingness to be transparent about this journey, and am inspired by your faithfulness in seeking His face even in the midst of disappointment, anger, and confusion. You are loved, my friend.

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  19. :( I thought about you this morning, and wondered how it was going. I don't know what to say other than that I'm thinking of you, and praying for you.

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  20. Hugs R! We will overcome these dark ashes and rise to great things in Him, it is part of who we are. Prayers for you.

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  21. I'm so sorry that this wasn't the cycle:( Prayers continuing!

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  22. I'm sorry Rebecca! Hope is amazing and awful at the same time, isn't it? What would be do without to keep up going? But when reality crushes hope (as it sometimes does, not always) it hurts like hell!

    "I'm ready for Holy Week. I'm ready for the dark and sadness of Good Friday. And I sure hope that I find some joy on Easter." I love that quote! I feel the same way too!

    Praying for you! Why is it easier to pray for others, than for yourself sometimes?

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  23. I'm so sorry. CD1 is such a cruel thing each month.
    Prayers for you this Holy Week.

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