3.02.2012

A Favorite Blanket

Despite knowing that the chances were low, my hopes were so high.

Despite making a few friends crazy with my refusal to POAS, I did get the directions out on P+16 eve just to be sure I'd know what to do this morning. But the need never arose.

I'd said "I'd rather a late-in-the-day arriving AF to tell me I wasn't pregnant than a negative test first thing in the morning." I got my wish.

And Lent has finally arrived in my heart. Until yesterday, I was struggling to get "into" Lent. I didn't feel penitent or prayerful, selfishly all I could feel was the hope I was fighting so hard. But yesterday morning, the promise of P+16, was too much. My hands settled on my abdomen as I showered, I considered the fact that there might actually be another little person in there. I snuggled into the hope like a comfy chair. Then, just after lunch, the darkness of Lent settled around me like a favorite blanket.

It is this dance of hope and darkness that characterizes this journey. this road. Two days ago, I couldn't fathom feeling the way I do today. I tried. I marveled at how hormones and emotions go together and how emotions I knew I would feel seemed so far away. And today, it is reversed and I wonder how it was possible I felt anything other than this darkness. This darkness that I craved; that I chastised myself for not feeling as Lent began; that reminds me my suffering is not in vain. This darkness that is lined with the promise of the light of the resurrection.

I know there is a reason for all of this. I know I may likely never know it this side of heaven. Through the tears, I see the fruits of this. Through the pain, I see the good. I feel the love of God through so many kind words and prayers sent over long and short distances. It is the kind words, the text messages and emails, the reminders that we are thought of and loved that line this blanket of darkness with the brightest Light.

It is in these days, when the comfort of my Lenten blanket overtakes the comfort of my hopeful chair. My heart is broken and embracing the chance to settle in and walk with Jesus towards Good Friday, wrapped in a favorite blanket of darkness lined with the softest love of the Body of Christ, hoping in the Resurrection of Easter.

20 comments:

  1. Oh cycle buddy, how I wish the outcome was so much different for the both of us!

    It's funny, I'm grateful that I was at work when AF arrived. If I was at home like last month I think my reaction would've been so much different. Perhaps it's because my doctor continues to be unfailingly hopeful, I don't know.

    Continued prayers for you!

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  2. This is a beautiful reflection. It comforts me to see someone embrace the blessing of suffering, to unite it to Christ's and to search and be open to the Lord's will. It is difficult, but you seem to be in a special place of grace. My heart cries for yours. I will continue to pray for you, my dear friend.

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  3. How beautifully sad. I'm so sad for you, for us all who still wait for children... and yet there is so much beauty to be found within, at the same time.
    Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  4. Those last few days of a 2WW are so hard sometimes. You explained your emotions and the emotions of so many of us in a beautiful way. Let this blanket provide you comfort this weekend but hang onto that hope. You are in my prayers.

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  5. Such a thoughtful post Rebecca... though I am so sorry for the reason behind it!! For me, Lent has always been the best part of the year as an infertile. It seems easier to carry the cross... I feel more united with our Lord, I guess. You are in my prayers. Hugs, friend! I am still very hopeful for you!!

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  6. Beautifully said! Hugs and prayers!

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  7. Hugs!!! And prayers and lots of love!! My heart broke for you yesterday, if you need anything call!!

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  8. This is so beautiful. I remember the first cycle we were TTC after our miscarriage, and AF arrived in the movie theater bathroom right before we were seeing some movie with DH's family. I don't even remember what movie it was because I was zoned out for the rest of the time. It's a dark curtain falls. You and the man are in our prayers this Lent.

    *big hug!*

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  9. You have such a beautiful soul!

    Hugs (well, virtual...) and prayers coming your way.

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  10. This is so beautiful, though I am sad for you that this cycle didn't work out. :( I love this beautiful reflection on Lent! You are always in my prayers.

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  11. Beautiful post. Big hugs to you.

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  12. How poetically put! You seem to be handling it better than me. I feel like it's been Lent since the beginning of the year. I'm taking my sorry butt to confession tomorrow and am hoping it helps. Sad with you my friend.

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  13. This is so beautiful, but I'm sad to hear that it wasn't this time. Praying for you!

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  14. Thanks for explaining all of the terminology!
    I agree with CM: it was a beautiful post. It WILL happen sometime. I can only imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you go through every month.

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  15. Beautifully expressed and beautifully written! I am sorry this cycle didn't work out. Continued prayers coming your way. And ((hugs))

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  16. Beautiful- there is comfort in the sadness, isn't there? We just have to look for it. Thanks for reminding me of that.

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  17. Hi R, P+16 in sight is so difficult. This is beautifully written. Found you through TCIE and wondering if you want to share your FertilityCare experience on my blog hop? http://www.blessed-and-broken.blogspot.com/2012/02/fertilitycare-blog-hop.html

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