Despite knowing that the chances were low, my hopes were so high.
Despite making a few friends crazy with my refusal to POAS, I did get the directions out on P+16 eve just to be sure I'd know what to do this morning. But the need never arose.
I'd said "I'd rather a late-in-the-day arriving AF to tell me I wasn't pregnant than a negative test first thing in the morning." I got my wish.
And Lent has finally arrived in my heart. Until yesterday, I was struggling to get "into" Lent. I didn't feel penitent or prayerful, selfishly all I could feel was the hope I was fighting so hard. But yesterday morning, the promise of P+16, was too much. My hands settled on my abdomen as I showered, I considered the fact that there might actually be another little person in there. I snuggled into the hope like a comfy chair. Then, just after lunch, the darkness of Lent settled around me like a favorite blanket.
It is this dance of hope and darkness that characterizes this journey. this road. Two days ago, I couldn't fathom feeling the way I do today. I tried. I marveled at how hormones and emotions go together and how emotions I knew I would feel seemed so far away. And today, it is reversed and I wonder how it was possible I felt anything other than this darkness. This darkness that I craved; that I chastised myself for not feeling as Lent began; that reminds me my suffering is not in vain. This darkness that is lined with the promise of the light of the resurrection.
I know there is a reason for all of this. I know I may likely never know it this side of heaven. Through the tears, I see the fruits of this. Through the pain, I see the good. I feel the love of God through so many kind words and prayers sent over long and short distances. It is the kind words, the text messages and emails, the reminders that we are thought of and loved that line this blanket of darkness with the brightest Light.
It is in these days, when the comfort of my Lenten blanket overtakes the comfort of my hopeful chair. My heart is broken and embracing the chance to settle in and walk with Jesus towards Good Friday, wrapped in a favorite blanket of darkness lined with the softest love of the Body of Christ, hoping in the Resurrection of Easter.