2.25.2012

So this is what a real 2ww feels like?

A couple of months ago, when I wrote about getting 2 nos every moth, I was really starting to hit the end of my rope with the BB. It started around P+6/7 and went until CD1 every. single. cycle.

But today, I'm on P+10 and all of my post-peak stickers are GREEN! That's right. No. brown. bleeding/spotting. at. all.

Praise God! and thank-you Dr. S.!!!!

It was the one thing I was really frustrated over - no one (even Dr. S.) seemed overly worried about all of this BB, but I knew it wasn't normal and I also was getting pretty sick of my charts being covered in red stickers and all of the practical implications of it.

So this is all great news. Except for my nerves.

It's P+10, and usually on P+10 I've already realized I'm not pregnant and even though the hope is still there, it is much more tempered than pre P+7 because consistent brown spotting is obviously not a good thing. But, today, I'm forcing myself to steer clear of Dr. Google. Especially since I have no "early pregnancy symptoms" to search for and make myself crazy with.

Yet, can I just tell y'all how high my hopes are? I've already planned how I'd tell everyone. I've calculated the due date; I've started picturing our spare bedroom as a nursery (something I haven't done in months) and we'd rearrange the other bedroom; and on and on and on.

And I'm scared.

Last year, the end of February marked one of the lowest points on this journey. Yes, we'd only been trying a little while, but it was the first month that I had truly convinced myself that all of my symptoms were pre-pregnancy symptoms (you know the symptoms I had every. single. month. prior) and that the BB was really just implantation bleeding that was lasting a long time, and, well you get the idea. So, I went out and bought a pack of pregnancy tests (for the first time in my life) and I figured out the day I would get to use one. It would be the morning after we were going out to dinner with my mom, Nan, and stepdad to celebrate Mom's birthday.

That dinner turned into my own personal nightmare with my Nan saying at one point "you can't just decide not to have children. You can't deny The Man being a father, you can't take that away from him."; with me going to the bathroom to find that I couldn't deny myself any longer, that AF had arrived; and with The Man (while I was making said bathroom trip) almost yelling at my Mom and Nan asking them "what do you want from us? Do you want us to tell you when we are trying? When we get a positive pregnancy test? What?!?"; and me returning to the table fighting back tears to an uncomfortable silence and so glad I had ordered a glass of wine to sip on (to avoid questions) because I don't think I'd ever needed a drink so bad in my life.

And here I sit. One year later, almost to the day. Full of hope I truly haven't felt since February last year. Trying to temper the hope. And still, because it is what I do, hoping that CD1 never comes.

Prayer buddy, I'm offering it all up for you!

36 comments:

  1. There is no way that I can comment correctly now, so just know that I prayed for you instead of trying to type out more. :-)

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    1. Prayers are always appreciated! Thank-you :).

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  2. I truly think it takes courage to have your hopes so high, after so many months/years of disappointment.
    I get so angry at myself each time I "allow" myself to hope like that. But in the end, I know it is the easier route to go to ignore the hope and desire which, I still believe, is placed on our hearts by God. For whatever reason, He wants you to hope this month. And to realize that through the ups and downs of infertility, there will come an everlasting hope in Him.
    I, of course, have immense hope for you this cycle. But I also know that no matter what happens, you will benefit from having hope in a baby right now :)

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    1. I had been fighting the hope, fighting it big time, and there is a part of me that is saying "why, please for the love of God, why, are you doing this to yourself?" - but there is the part that agrees with exactly what you've said - that this hope is from God and for some reason I'm supposed to feel it.

      I sure hope I can remember that there is a reason for this in a few days...

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  3. O my goodness, that confrontation with your Nan sounds so stressful! I would have definetely needed a glass of wine too. I really hope that your hopes are real this time, you have been waiting and hoping for so long.

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    1. It was. I love my Nan, but she's got "Italian old lady" down pat - ha! I know what to expect and 99% of the time it all rolls off my back.

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  4. Hoping with you. Sending up prayers.

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  5. So happy for no BB, and so full of hope and prayers for what the future holds for you and 'The Man'.

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    1. No BB - who knew it could bring such joy?!?! (I imagined, but it's so much better than that!).

      Thanks for the hope and prayers!

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  6. I hope and pray that AF stays away cycle buddy!!!!

    ps How great not to have brown spotting!

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    1. For you too!!!! (I sent you an email, but I think it might have been an old address....)

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  7. I felt the exact same way (sky-high hopes) the first cycle we TTC after my surgery a year ago. I am hoping and praying that your CD1 doesn't come!!

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    1. Thank-you for sharing your post-op hope...it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's felt this way.
      Thank-you for the hope and prayers.

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  8. Thank goodness no more bb. I had that problem my whole freaking life, but Dr. H has somehow cured it. Here's to no more bb!!

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    1. Yay Dr. H!!! The Man gets that I'm happy w/ no more BB, but he just doesn't "get it" - one more reason to love this community - others who "get it"!

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  9. Fingers crossed, prayers headed north, and good vibes sent your way. :)

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  10. Thanks for all of your support yesterday....you really helped me make a decision (I'll blog it later). I am so excited you aren't having bb this cycle!! Praying for you.

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    1. Oh wow - I can't wait to read it!

      I'm so glad I was able to be a support to you. I've found so much strength and support from this community, to be able to give back is a huge blessing to me, so thank-you for giving me the opportunity!!

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  11. I'm going to have to look all of this up; I'm not sure what everything means, but I can tell it's a good thing! Continuing the prayers!

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    1. Hmm, let's see if I can decipher some for you Mary:
      BB = brown bleeding
      P = peak day (also most likely day I ovulated)
      P+6/7 (any number) is number of days past peak day
      The stickers are the colors I use on my NFP Chart - red any other time than during the period is not a good thing...the stickers that should be green, are green this cycle!
      2ww - two week wait - two weeks is approximately the amount of time between ovulation and the start of a new cycle or getting a positive pregnancy test - it is also pretty much full of stress, hope, anxiety, and a whole host of other emotions I didn't know it was possible to have every month that the baby-making act was done on fertile days.

      And it is a good thing, and right now, all I can do is wait. Thanks for the prayers!

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  12. Hooray for healing and no more BB!!!!! I remember how torturous those 2ww's were. I think I would've done another laparatomy recovery it if meant I never had to deal with 2ww's!!! Praying hard for you.

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  13. Yeah!! Yippie!! Whohoooo!! Tons of prayers!!!

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  14. So hopeful for you, Rebecca!!! Praying for you!

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  15. Yay for no more BB! Praying for your 2ww.

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    1. Yay for you and your hope! Even after past letdowns, I think it is awesome to have so much hope because you can almost get that glimpse of what life after IF will really be like...and it's so exciting! Praying for you!

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  17. I can't imagine the pain you had last year at this time. Praying and crossing my fingers...

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  18. I am hopeful for you! No more BB is pretty rockin'.

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