2.12.2012

A Mess of Ramblings

There has been so much swirling in my head and heart these days, and usually when this happens something resembling something coherent usually emerges here. But there is so much and nothing seems to be emerging with any clarity, yet I feel like I must get it out. So, please excuse the rambling and the mess that I'm sure is to follow.
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Perhaps someday I will learn to not consult Dr. Google. Perhaps, but not likely. In a frantic search to try to make myself feel somewhat better (that perhaps I did not cause our IF with the pill...because PCOS and insulin resistance can be caused by the pill, and 12 years of it is surely enough to cause some problems, right?) But I figured, surely the pill can't block fallopian tubes, right? And if my fallopian tubes have been blocked this whole time, then my chances of having aborted tiny, newly conceived babies over the past 12 years are probably a whole let less then too, right? Well, I'm glad to say that it does not appear the pill causes blocked tubes but what does cause blocked tubes? PID, STDs, and endometreosis.

Lovely.

Seriously, why do I do this to myself?

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The weight of the HHS controversy feels heavier than ever. I think because it is bringing out the worst on both sides of it all. And I hate the misconceptions about what I believe and what the Catholic Church teaches that are out there. It really is sad. Especially sitting on the experiences that The Man and I have had and being treated like I'm stupid because I don't agree with contraception. No one has said anything directly, it's just that the information that is out there equates to "if you oppose contraception, you must be stupid, brainwashed, and stuck in the 1950's" and, honestly the only word to describe how I feel about that is "heartbroken."

During mass today, I just kept asking why? Why must we be facing this? Why won't God just step in and "fix" it all? And then I remind myself that that is not how God works. He gave us free will. And yet, the burden still feels so heavy. Lord, have mercy.
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Wednesday I see Dr. S. for my follow-up. I've got my list of questions, and The Man and I are going to use the time in the car to decide where our limit is - just how far we will go. As I write those words, I feel the pressure I'm putting on myself because I'm equating "how far we will go" with "how badly do I want children" and there is a part of me that knows that's not how this works, yet it feels like it does. Like if I'm not willing to do x, y, or z I must not really want to be a mom.

Oh yea, and it will probably be the last time I see Dr. S. because of his retirement. So how to proceed is also a huge decision we have to make. Especially if follicular studies are in our future...3 and 1/2 hours for a daily ultrasounds is really unrealistic for us (enter little voice that says if you really wanted to be a mom...).
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Of course there is the new roller coaster ride. The "I"s on the chart corresponding with white baby days and the hope and the fear and all of it. That cycle "off" was kinda nice, but it seems to have made this month all that much more stressful. There is just something wrong about sobbing in the bathroom after making love to your husband...sobbing tears full of fear that there may never be a day that he gets to hear the words "I love you Daddy." 
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I find myself feeling torn between the life I have and the life I want all over again (it never really goes away, sometimes it just gets put on the back burner). I love my job; I'm considering beginning a Master's Degree program. And yet, there is the wonder "how will I possibly work full time, go to grad school, and be a mom" and the fear that I'm being selfish by considering grad school. And the fear that maybe I'm just considering it so that I have a plan "b" something to keep my busy if motherhood is not in my future. Some days, some moments, this is the hardest part, balancing on the thin line between gratitude for what I have and planning for what I want, and frankly, for preparing myself for what happens if I don't get what I want.

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I'm clinging these days. To the promise that all things are possible with God and that for everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. Clinging that it is possible we will emerge from this season, that there is a purpose for our IF, and that He will be glorified because of it. I continue to pray for a baby, but I pray even stronger for the grace to continue this journey. It is truly by grace alone that I keep moving forward and if it is the only prayer He answers, I will be grateful for it.

19 comments:

  1. Rebecca, once again, I feel as though I could have written this myself! I just started a graduate program, and I have the same fears as you. I worry that maybe I'm becoming too "career driven" and that I don't want children "enough" and that maybe, somehow, perhaps children aren't meant for me. At that point, I begin fighting with myself internally, because if that were true, then WHY does my heart break that I cannot seem to have children?? I feel like I am constantly at the crossroads of "how much is enough" (medical intervention) and how far should we really go with this? It's so easy to feel defeated and guilty. It's so easy to feel broken for what we cannot seem to "give" to our husbands.

    I will be praying for you, especially on Wednesday when you visit your doctor. Hugs.

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  2. Sending you hugs. All of this IF journey is so uncertain. I often feel like my life is on hold and that I hesitate to do things because what if I found out I was pregnant?

    I pray that your appointment and your trip up to the appointment bring you answers and newfound resolve.

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  3. Google has nothing on God. Lots of love hugs! I can't wait to see what great things He has in store for you and The Man!

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  4. "During mass today, I just kept asking why? Why must we be facing this? Why won't God just step in and "fix" it all? And then I remind myself that that is not how God works. He gave us free will. And yet, the burden still feels so heavy. Lord, have mercy."

    I have been here myself. And it's so hard to remember...but I try very hard, to remember that God has already defeated sin and death. God sent his son and He conquered in the battle of Good over evil. The battle has already been won. We need only work out our salvation in fear and trembling, as Paul writes.

    Continued prayers for you. I am so sorry that i haven't called you because you have been on my mind and I keep thinking, "now is not a good time to call, but I will call later" and then later never comes.

    (((HUGS))) my sweet friend, dear sister in Christ. Prayers always.

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  5. This is so honest, and I hung on every word. You are working in a deep level of your soul (or should I say, God is working there), and I am full of admiration for your faith in the midst of such confusion and struggle. Keep going, because you are on a path to sanctity. And, I will pray for you in this gray time…. Hugs!!

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  6. http://articles.businessinsider.com/2012-02-08/politics/31036663_1_sexual-revolution-moral-standards-marriage

    I'm not sure this link will work. If it does, it links to an article that shows not everyone thinks contraception is a good thing.

    Grad school sounds like a good plan to me and in no way selfish.


    God bless

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  7. I have struggled through so much of the same -- and yes, it is stressful to use those "days of fertility!" I'm sure that I'm not the only one imploring the saints in heaven to help us conceive!

    Continued prayers for you!

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  8. I've been wondering the same thing about all this HHS and PP/Komen stuff (why is it happening?) as well as some personal things happening with one of my siblings. All of it is heartbreaking, but what I keep coming back to is what Michelle said -- that God has already won, He has already defeated evil, and if we trust in Him we will see that glorious victory one day. It is a comfort, even if a small one, in times of sadness.

    Praying for you and your husband. Don't despair. Are you familiar with the chaplet of Divine Mercy? It has brought me comfort and peace.

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  9. Prayers and hugs! Keep praying and trusting in the grace that supports and sustains us.

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  10. I hate the little voice in my head ... judging me for not wanting to go the super-extra mile to be "worthy" of being a mom. It talks to me too. :) I've been there, not wanting to have "I" and crying because of how un-romantic it is and how un-romantic I feel and turning off my husband and making him upset. If I had $1 for every time I did that .....
    Don't hold back on going for your Masters Degree! If you love it, do it! God will make a way for it all to work out.
    I love your quote: "For everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven." I'm praying that your time comes soon!

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  11. Rebecca girl, I heart you a lot! Crying after making love (or during it) feels terribly wrong and I think we've all been there. I was just last week but was too ashamed to post. Reading AIHPT's comment makes me realize we've all probably been there. It stinks!

    Ugh the age old question of what to pursue and for how long...I'm right there with ya, but still don't have an answer. We've had limits before, being unsure of if we'd even do Clomid, feeling like we'd never try Femara...now that we're here, the plans have changed. Thankfully the Church puts a limit on it for us. I'll have to admit, if I didn't have that guideline, I'd be tempted to use IVF.

    I'm looking forward to hearing what Dr. S has to say on Wed.

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  12. Praying for you! Oh the anxieties with "the what-ifs" and the "what I wants"...

    But realize that by figuring out what y'all are willing to do, has nothing to do with how badly you want to be a mother. Heck, my dh and I have taken months and months off at a time because even though I know I need progesterone and hcg and all those good things, there are moments I just need to stop and breathe. All that time, the desire was still there.

    Keep that head up and just know that I am praying for you!

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  13. At mass today the priest was talking about HHS and openness to life... and while I was nodding my head in agreement, part of my heart was breaking because it appears that I am NOT!

    And, yes, it can be really, really hard... in the middle of intimacy, the fear that keeps surfacing and the sorrow. At times like that I remind myself it's not just about getting pregnant, there is the unity that comes as well, which is so important. It can sometimes feel as though the unity isn't there because the "life" isn't. I don't know if that makes any sense, at all... but just wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone!

    I can't wait to hear what Dr. S. says too!! :)

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  14. Prayers for you. Plan for it all. Accept it all. We have no control over such things. Live in hope, because what other choice do you have? Whatever happens will be God's best plan for you. (But like the widow who kept after that unjust judge, I will keep asking for that baby for you.) Love is all around you, don't lose hope.

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  15. Your "ramblings" about thinking of a plan b and struggles between the life you want and the life you have really hit home. Despite this being a rambling post, it is still excellent. Keeping you in prayer.. and keep clinging to Christ. ((Hugs))

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  16. NO DOCTOR GOOGLE! Nothing good ever comes from it!! :)

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  17. Couldn't you feasibly take a week to come visit your friend TCIE and get wanded in NJ ;) ;) I know you want to!!!

    Thanks so much for your prayers, btw. You're the best.

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  18. Thank you for sharing so honestly. You are a great encouragement to me.

    I can definitely relate with regards to whether or not it is a good choice to start grad school while trying to have a baby. I started wrestling with this question over two years ago, and decided against going back to school then. Still no baby, but if I had gone back to school, I'd be finishing it up now. Of course hindsight is 20/20, but I wish I'd gone back.

    I have to constantly remind myself not to "put life on hold" until we are blessed with children, either naturally or through adoption. This verse helps me focus on being thankful for where I am now.

    "...rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus."
    (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

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  19. You are in my prayers as always!! I look forward to hearing about your appt with Dr. S (and I agree regarding Dr. Google - STAY AWAY! :)). Regarding the HHS mandate and misconceptions... sigh... heartbroken is probably the most accurate and honest response. I am angry but at the bottom of all this is heartbreak.

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