1.16.2012

Hoping for Hope

I think it was a good thing that my surgery got scheduled so quickly, because I've been so busy that I've barely had time to stress out too much about it and now it's tomorrow and we are on our way to Harrisburg for all of my pre-op appointments.

The few times I've had to stop and think about the surgery, I find myself feeling a little panicky about the surgery itself. I know that it's really not a major surgery, but since this is my first experience with any type of anesthesia I am nervous about that. My control freak self is in full-out mode worrying about it all.

I did buy myself a new pair of sweatpants to wear though. Of course they are WVU.

Ahem.

But when I consider the surgery, what I'm most hopeful for is hope. So far, nothing they've found has been the "ah-ha! that's IT". A very mild case of PCOS, some insulin resistance, low progesterone and some slightly low morphology for The Man. But nothing that says "yep, this is why it's taken 19 cycles and still no pregnancy." While I know that the combination of these factors may be the "ah-ha!" it just doesn't seem that we have the answer yet. And no one has yet said this either. (Maybe they don't ever?)

So for tomorrow, I'm hoping for hope. The kind of hope that will come from Dr. S. saying that everything does look good and that the meds I am on just need some more time to work. But, honestly? I'm scared. Down in that part of my stomach where worry resides and is usually proven to be true, I'm worried. That there is more to this puzzle.

I'm afraid to have actual hope that we will get purely good news. All I can do at this point is to hope for hope.

23 comments:

  1. Praying for good news! Stay calm...sounds like you have an excellent dr.!

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  2. Praying for you!!!! Surgery is so healing and it will answer so many questions.

    Is it strange that I'm excited about your results?

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    1. Thank-you for the prayers. Yes, I do think it's a little strange...but in a good-only-a-fellow-IFer-would-feel-this-way kind of strange :).

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  3. Rebecca...please know that you are in my prayers for a smooth surgery which results in some answers. Surgery is such an emotional (and obviously physical) experience....it is okay to be hoping for hope. You are in great hands. God Bless you and your surgeon tomorrow!!

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  4. This surgery will definitely give you some answers. Praying that you will have peace as you undergo it.

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  5. Praying for you! And yes, excited about your results. I hear you on being nervous about anesthesia... I tend to be a nervous wreck until they start the IV, at which point, I get so relaxed from the meds, it's actually sort of... fun?? Hope it's a very positive experience for you and you get clarity and peace with the results.

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    1. Fun? Hmm, I think you and The Man might get along too well...he keeps saying "I can't wait to see you on Percocet." Apparently he likes to watch me sleep.

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  6. My friend, you are so brave and strong. I would be a heaping mess of worry and fret right now if I were in your shoes. What time is your surgery so I can be sure to pray, pray, pray, pray PRAY!

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    1. My surgery is at 8:00am. Thank-you so much for the prayers.

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  7. Surgery is so healing! I am very hopeful for you. Post an update when you can, I will be anxious to know how it goes. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you!

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    1. Thank-you for the thoughts and prayers. I asked The Man if he would want to update my blog and I got the "why would I do that?' look...so as soon as I can put together a coherent sentence I will.

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  8. Wrapping you in prayer for safety and peace, and joining in the hope that tomorrow brings answers and a path forward.

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  9. I'll be thinking of and praying for you tomorrow. Anesthesia is wonderful. You don't remember anything. Remember you have a wonderful doctor and an army of prayer warriors on your side. :-)

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    1. Thank-you. And you are right, Dr. S. is amazing (2 hours today spent walking us through the surgery tomorrow step by step) and the prayers are so appreciated there are no words to say how much.

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  10. I'm hopelessly behind in my blog-reading! I'll have to go back and read, but please know I am praying for you!

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  11. Praying for peace for you, wisdom for the doctors, and a positive outcome for you tonight! It will all be behind you soon, and hopefully it will make all the difference. Be sure to take it easy in the next couple of weeks.

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  12. Hoping and praying that you get good news!

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  13. Prayers for you. Once you get the Valium and Versad (or if it's for real anesthesia, Propofol) you'll be as cool and collected as they come. Hope everything goes perfectly.

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  14. Prayed for you the whole commute in to work, and keeping up the prayers that you get the answers you need!

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  15. Praying everything goes well and you get the answer you want/need.

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