12.28.2011

Reflections on P+5

So often when I come here to share my thoughts, emotions, or reflections from the IF roller coaster it is when I am struggling to see the screen through the tears and know that The Man doesn’t need more of my “stuff” dumped onto his shoulders. As I was driving the other day, I couldn’t help but take note of how “normal” I was feeling, how not crazed and insane by sorrow and sadness and how maybe it would be nice to share some of that here.
I’m sure this feeling will be short lived, the BB will make its appearance in the next day or so and then a week after that CD1 will arrive. But for today, for these few days each cycle the hope creeps in and I start thinking about things like:
• I probably would need to test while I’m out of town next week, what a cool surprise for The Man that would be. Heck, how cool would it be to just actually get to POAS?!?! Unless it’s negative .
• Oh, and I could surprise my dad during our trip next Saturday with good news.
• And oh, would I blog about it right away or wait a while? Probably right away. But not until we told The Man’s parents since finding out about a grandchild on your DIL’s blog is probably not how they would like things to go.
• But what about all of my friends who still wait? How I hate the thought of hurting them and causing them more pain on this already painful enough journey.
• Maybe I just won’t tell anyone for a while, that way no one gets hurt? Right? Maybe not?
• Hmm, happier things, I’d finally get to turn the spare room into a nursery, I bet there are some great New Year’s sales.
• And wait! If this were “the” month, I’d never have to schedule surgery with Dr. S. (yes, yes, I know you want more details on that appointment, patience ;), I’m living in the land of that appointment won’t matter).
• OMG! What if I’m pregnant? I’m not ready to be a mother! What makes me think I can be a good mother! Oh no! I’ll be a horrible parent. *enter horrible feelings of guilt here*
• Why am I getting my hopes up? Why would anything have changed this month?
• But maybe, just maybe…

And so goes the car up the track of hope. Undoubtedly it will fall, but even as I type that, in these days of the ride up, it’s hard to believe that I am the same person who writes of anger and pain. It’s hard to believe that giving up is ever even a faint, distant option. It is these days, of blissful ignorance and hope that are gifts of grace from God; that are the reason we keep trying again, that remind me of what God is calling me toward.

In the days that come, these feelings will feel as far away as the anger and pain do now, but without these days there would be no bearing the others at all.

18 comments:

  1. You know what? I do the same thing! Especially if we've behaved in such a way that conception is possible. I'm praying for you, my friend. I think it's so cool that a thousand miles apart, our cycles are so close.

    And I pray that you get to POAS :)

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  2. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! You read my mind!!! I go through this conversation (minus being out of town to POAS) everyday ... several times a day!!

    Today my mind said... "My FILs birthday is right around the time I would test... wouldn't that be great in a birthday card (happy birthday grandpa!)... and I should buy some baby 'my first christmas' right now b/c of the sales... oh wait, I probably didn't ovulate... but what if I did... Yay!!... oh wait, I'm not ready... I can hardly take care of my dog!!"

    And the cycle goes on and on...

    Now give us some info about that appointment!!!!!!

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  3. Loved this post.
    How I hope for you that you WILL have to make those decisions soon.

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  4. Not a minx - thank-you so much!

    Michelle - I wonder if it has to do with the lunar cycle (that' what ruled women's cycles when there wasn't artificial light around all of the time)? It just seems that many of us are "close" with our cycles! Thank-you for the prayers.

    Jenny - HA! on not being able to take care of the dog - I was almost in tears because mine kept unfolding my laundry that I was folding. What in the heck am I gonna do with a child?!?! Ha!

    Cathy - thank-you!

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  5. I know exactly you feel. Same thoughts here. Thoughts and prayers!

    Cathy

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  6. Hope is such a funny animal. On the days where it is present like this, it's wonderful. On the days where the hope is crushed... again... I am reminded why hope is a (really tough!) virtue and not just a nice feeling. Obviously, my journey's a little different, but the cycle of thoughts has its similarities. Praying that this is the time you have to face all those "what ifs"! :)

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  7. These sound like the exact emotions I felt each cycle too...praying for ya!

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  8. Lol, first you will fold while they coo at you from the bouncy seat, then once they are mobile while they nap ~ and ideally remember to put away before they can unfold once they are up.

    Praying!

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  9. I'll be honest, I REALLY want to empathize---but I have no idea what you are talking about. Too many initials.
    You'll have to give me a class sometime.
    *hugs*

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  10. Cathy M - thank-you.

    CM - oh, good point on Hope being a virtue and not just a good feeling. I need to try to remember that when I'm not feeling it.

    Hebrews - thanks!

    Joy - ha! You make it sound so easy.

    Jamie...well, let's see, in order from the post:
    IF - infertility
    BB - brown bleeding
    CD1 - chart day 1 (start of new cycle)
    POAS - pee on a stick (take a home pregnancy test (HPT))
    DIL - daughter in law
    Dr. S. - Dr. Steg.man, my NaPro (Natural Reproductive Technology) doctor
    OMG - oh my gosh/goodness/God (I'm sure you know this one though, you have a teenager!)

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  11. Praying for you!! Hope you get to do all of these things soon! :)

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  12. I am glad that you posted this! It often feels next to impossible to get a blog to reflect the fullness of life, rather than just how we feel when we need to vent. And three cheers for the virtue of hope!

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  13. I'm glad you are experiencing the goodness of hope! I am praying that it continues and that excellent results will follow :)

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  14. Yes! I do these same things too! :-) I love the land of "what if!" I'd vacation there if I could. I pray that you get to experience these emotions soon. Hang in there. And keep posting all your thoughts, because our happy days don't all align.

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  15. I'm so thankful for your response to Jamie. I was a little lost myself, and I've experienced many of these things! Phew. Feeling stupid for a minute.

    There was a silly book I read once. Okay, I only read part of it. BUT...as silly as the concept seemed, I can't get out of my head one thing - positive thoughts and beliefs (without determining end times or dates) will bring about exactly what you're thinking about. So if a regular cycle cycles through, simply keep believing. I'm somewhat of a skeptic, but I can't help but tell myself...just believe what you think should be, and it shall. :) Makes me have hope, and it's....shockingly....been true a few times since I started thinking like this. The power of belief.

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  16. It's like a mini ping-pong game in your head....if it's actually positive!...holy cow, I could be pg!...oh wow, am I ready for this?! Ooh look, onesies on sale..
    Praying you get to live out those happy ones soon!

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  17. Slowly making my way through your blog for more insight. The point of whether to even announce or not was very salient-why cause more hurt? On the flipside, after reading Silent Sorority a couple times, I noticed that sometimes your IF friends would be hurt if you DIDN'T tell them like everyone else and felt excluded. I found (still find) that a tricky area to navigate. Luckily I have this blog and my books as resources as somewhat of a guide. The June weekend will be wonderful :)

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